Patti Cotton

Executive Coach & Career Strategist

Patti Cotton

Building Your Influence: Trust Before Credibility

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Building Your Influence: Trust Before Credibility

“My presentations are powerful, and I think they are incredibly convincing…but I’m not getting the buy-in I need from the executive council, and I don’t feel I’m recognized as a part of it. In fact, yesterday, it was just ‘crickets’ when I shared an idea on something that would have saved us a great deal of money. What am I doing wrong?”

Jan was ready to up-level her leadership abilities and had hired me to help her develop more influence. Her talent was unquestionable – but she recognized that something was lacking. Sitting on the executive council – something she felt would help position her for greater leadership – had turned out to be a negative and frustrating experience.

“It’s like I’m invisible when it comes to contributing ideas,” she said. “I make sure I have all kinds of stats and evidence to support what I am going to say before I open my mouth. But I might as well be invisible. What gives?”

“Describe the executive council meeting to me, Jan, from the time you walked in.”

“Okay,” she answered. “Well, I got there early to set up my PowerPoint presentation. I like to make sure I come across as professional and ‘together.’ So I was ready and in my seat when the others started to file in. When it came my turn to present, I felt confident in my material and was poised and professional.  But at the end, when I expected a great response, I got absolutely nothing but a couple of nods, and the president quickly moved on to the next agenda item.”

“Jan, I am suspecting you aren’t building the trust with your council and colleagues to exert any influence with them. So, as highly credible as you are, you aren’t going to get anywhere without it.”

Building trust takes precedent over credibility. In other words, people are not going to listen to you – believe you – unless they first trust you. If you are a person of integrity like Jan, this can be a simpler fix than you think.

Judith Glaser, author, researcher and organizational anthropologist, outlines trust as the building block to successful communications and healthy relationships.  Even before the words we use, that first warm neural connection with others – reaching out, making eye contact, expressing interest in how they are – is key.

Without this step, those attending your presentations and meetings operate from the “fight or flight” part of the brain, and subconsciously ask themselves if they can trust you.

But by connecting warmly with others before you present, you help them leave that “fight or flight” part of the brain, and move to a higher state of trust so that they can receive you more easily and acknowledge your credibility.

I asked Jan to begin greeting each of the individual council members as the next meeting started to assemble, and to make sure she made eye contact, smiled, and asked them about plans for their weekend, or about their family. Her report back was encouraging.

“One of them actually asked me to lunch and wants to talk about my latest cost-saving proposal,” she said. “I’m thrilled! And I am starting to do this in my staff meetings – this could be the teambuilding piece I’m missing.”

How’s your trust quotient with others? If you are a person of integrity, and on upon whom others can rely, are you also making those important neural connections before you give feedback, present, or dive into business?

I’d love to hear about your experience, and how this might be making a difference for you.

Ref.  Glaser, Judith E.  Conversational Intelligence.” Bibliomotion, 2014.

 

When Your Values Collide

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It’s going to happen sooner or later.  Even though you are thoughtful about your values and look to live them with integrity, two or more values will most certainly collide.

Why does this happen? There are a couple of reasons.

1. Values can conflict when roles and outside demands clash

A client I will call Nanette once engaged me to help her fast-track to senior leadership in her firm.

“I want that vice-presidential role. I’ve worked hard to position myself, and I deserve the recognition. Besides, that salary increase will enable me to do all the things that the kids and I have been dreaming about.”

After working with Nanette on defining her top values, however, I asked her to share how we might approach two that conflicted.

“Nanette, your top values include family time and professional achievement – both of which are important to you. You have shared that the senior executive role will demand even more hours of work from you. How do you see this reconciling with your desire to have ample family time?”

Nanette’s career and self-growth values were clashing with her values as a parent.

“Having multiple roles in life (as we all do!) means that there are many demands on us. These demands may not always mesh. It doesn’t mean you forsake one goal for another – it simply means we have some work to do to see how we navigate this desire for promotion so that it doesn’t eclipse your desire for family time.”

“I’m relieved,” said Nanette.  “I thought for a moment that I would need to give up one or the other.”

She’s not alone.  Many abandon their goals and dreams, falsely thinking they have to choose between two paths – when in fact, it may be a question of becoming creative and carving out a situation that responds to both priorities.

2. The second reason values can collide is when other people may want you to go in a direction that conflicts with your values.

You may cherish your vacation time, and you love spending it with family in the out-of-doors. Your yearly family trip has always been that prized trek to Yosemite National Forest, and this next time cannot come soon enough for you. You have purchased a new camera for nature shots, and have already mapped out some hiking trails.

However, your teenagers have just informed you that they are tired of Yosemite, and that this year, they would like for the family to go to Disneyland and stay in one of the resort hotels. Further, they would each like to bring a friend, meaning less family and more “crowd.”

How do you choose?

Flexibility is key in both cases – Nanette’s and the Yosemite trip. Understanding that circumstances change with time, and that it is important to learn how to flex because of this, here are a couple of options to resolve the conflict.

First, you may order or re-order your values according to the relative importance of the conflicting values.

For example, how important is an out-of-doors vacation to you this year, compared to spending time with the kids?

Another way to deal with such a values collision is that you may decide to play a balancing act.

Nanette chose to apply for the promotion, and she received it. However, she also worked out an agreement with her company to work one day from home, and to take the kids out to lunch once weekly to have extra family time. She also engaged a housekeeper so her home workload was lighter. This allowed her to be more present for her kids when they were together at home.

“I know that circumstances will change over time, and I will need to make more shifts as this occurs,” says Nanette.  “However, knowing this is not a static situation also helps me to more easily play a balancing act, knowing that both of these things – family and career – are important to me.”

What values seem to be colliding for you at this time? How can you prioritize what matters most without feeling as though you are forfeiting what is important to you?

 

3 Keys to Creating Your Leadership Legacy

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“If this were my last day, would I still be willing to do what I am about to do?” – Steve Jobs

One of the most important moments in your life may be when you decide to move from seeking ambition to meaning. The ambition to succeed turns out to be a never-ending pursuit to a destination that is just beyond the horizon.

On the other hand, meaning (or significance) is focused on filling a need that is larger than you. It’s about creating a leadership legacy through selfless service so that you make impact now, and far after you are gone – through bettering the lives of others in whatever you undertake.

Many professionals long for more meaning in their work and life and to create a leadership legacy, but fear letting go of the pursuit of success, thinking they will lose their aspired financial goals. The irony is that living your leadership legacy risks nothing more than a mindset shift to how you approach your life and work. This can often result in greater financial gain because you elevate to optimal levels the way you engage with others.

As you think about creating your own leadership legacy, keep in mind the following three points:

Get your purpose on, and follow its trail.

Do you know the difference between your purpose and your present role?  If you don’t, you may headed for deep disappointment, and even a loss of identity at some point. One of my clients, whom we will call Anne, first reached out for help when a political shift at the top of her company caused her to lose her position.

“I stayed too long,” Anne opined. “I was ready to leave three years ago, but I just didn’t know who I was without this role. And now I don’t know what my purpose is anymore.”

The problem was that Anne was confusing her purpose with her role at the company. Your purpose reflects your values and specific ways you feel called to make an impact, and your position is simply where you live out your purpose at this time. Should you lose a position tomorrow, or decide that the passion is gone from what you are doing and want to move on, you take your purpose with you. It simply takes different shapes as you take on different roles.

What is your purpose?

Anyone can make a huge impact – so bloom where you are planted before you consider a different flowerpot.

It’s not about how large a position you hold, but about the way you approach your work and life, that creates your leadership legacy. Leadership is all about making life better for others – filling a need.

Recently, I was talking with Sylvia, a well-respected executive in the insurance services industry.

“Dad was a man who mentored people before the term became popular,” she said. “We kids knew that if he spoke, we should listen. And he was known for shepherding others in the community. His advice was always solid, because his motives were to help others be better people. That was his leadership legacy.” She admitted that this influence has greatly affected her success today, and she has begun mentoring others in her workplace in the same way.

Did Sylvia’s dad hold a prestigious position in the world? Not by most people’s standards. He was a modest farmer who decided that he wanted to help others become more of who they could be, starting with his own children. But, what a tremendous legacy he gifted the world through affecting his family and community.

Are you called to bloom where you are planted, or is it time to move? What working and life conditions do you need in order to create and live your leadership legacy?

Nourish your purpose in mind, spirit, and body.

You may have a mindset that has moved from success to significance, and your spirit may be willing, but are you living a life of balance that reflects and nourishes purpose?  What are those activities and distractors that need to be eliminated?  This may sound harsh, but we can allow many “good” things to get on our calendar, only to find that these keep us from the “great.” A client I will call Mary formed an initiative to help young women reintegrate into society after having served prison time.

“This is my purpose,” Mary shared. “I want to help young women reunite with their families and get back on their feet so they can become meaningful contributors to society.”

The problem was that after Mary inspired community leaders about the initiative, she did not follow through on their counsel and connections. She was provided with many offers to fund and help get her initiative underway, but she always had an excuse as to why she could not do the work involved. When she called me, she had burned many bridges, and she needed help. What we discovered as we talked was this:  Mary would have the time to follow through if she let go of some activities crowding her calendar. These activities were simply things that sounded interesting to her, but in fact, were a convenient way not to move forward. At the bottom of this was Mary’s fear of failure. We regrouped to form a plan that would yield results, focusing on the right activities and endeavors, eliminating those that did not serve…and she got underway.

What do you need to let go of in order to make room for your leadership legacy?

I’d love to hear where you are in the process of your own leadership legacy. What excites you? What scares you? What do you need in order to move forward?

 

Three Tips for De-stressing On the Go…

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Whenever I engage with a new client, one of the first gifts they receive from me is David Allen’s book, Getting Things Done.  This is because when you have decided claim more of your potential, greater personal discipline is required of you.

 

If you don’t harness the power of personal discipline as you undertake adopting a new mindset and actions, you can experience a lot of stress and overwhelm.

 

David’s book teaches you how to go about accomplishing your projects and activities in the most productive and rewarding way, addressing both mindset and organized actions. His system in itself can avoid a lot of stress when it comes to the actual work you must do to produce.

 

One of the philosophies he teaches is to develop a “mind like water.”  

David writes:

 

“Imagine throwing a pebble into a still pond.  How does the water respond?  The answer is, totally appropriately to the force and mass of the input; then it returns to calm.  It doesn’t overreact or underreact.  Water is what it is, and does what it does.  It can overwhelm, but it’s not overwhelmed.  It can be still, but it is not impatient.  It can be forced to change course, but it is not frustrated.  Get it?” (p. 12)

 

But David’s method is just part of what we need to restructure how we undertake initiatives, and to learn to approach life and work in a way that is less stressful and more fulfilling and at ease.

 

The way you start out your morning is very important to how you shape and create the rest of your day.  If you haven’t yet received my training on “Your Morning Success Routine:  3 Steps for More Clarity, Focus, and Productivity,” click here.

 

But you also need tools to de-stress “on the go” for those times when you weren’t able to go through your morning routine, or you hit a particularly tough situation.

 

Here are 3 steps that, when followed, serve well as a booster shot of “calm, cool, and collected” to help you work through those stressful moments:

 

1. Stop.  When faced with a stressful situation, your immediate impulse is probably to react. Instead, begin to consider this type of condition as a signal that you need to pause for a moment to collect your personal resources.  If the building isn’t on fire, you can stop for a moment.

 

2. Breathe.  In your moment of pause, take 3 deep cleansing breaths.  In through the nose, softly out through the mouth.  Try to feel your intake breath travel up through your nostrils, down your throat, into your chest and deeper lungs, release slowly and evenly.  This has a great calming effect on your body, and prepares you to take better control of the situation.

 

3. Think.  Instead of reacting, respond.  This means to think carefully before you reply to the situation.  What is the ultimate outcome you desire?  How can you get this?  Who are the key players, resources, tools you need?  This approach will take you from triggered to in control as you work through steps to resolve the source of stress.

 

If you find that you continue to face the same stress on a regular basis, then you know deep inside that it is time for a change.  The stress isn’t worth your health or happiness – and the world needs the gifts you can contribute when you are no longer leashed to those things that keep you playing it small.

 

Finishing Strong: The Importance of Pacing to Reach Your Goal

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Molly Huddle and Emily Infeld, American professional runners, have taught us some important lessons on following through and never giving up. Huddle and Infeld recently ran the 10,000 meter race at the World Athletic Championships in Beijing.

In the last leg of the race, Huddle showed herself to be a strong contender to win the bronze medal.  As she approached the finish line, she threw up her hands in front of her as a victory sign, and slowed down to cross.

What she didn’t see?  Infeld right behind her, kicking it into high gear to pass Huddle and take the prize.

So, what’s the lesson, here?  It’s follow-through.  

Because whether you are personally confident about impending outcomes, or you are uncertain you will meet your goals in a timely fashion, you can’t anticipate with absolute certainty that you have won – until you cross the finish line.

If you are about to get a promotion or close a new deal, you need to make sure all is signed on the dotted line before you schedule the party.  Taking success for granted when you haven’t brought it home, yet, is risky.  Be diligent, push through until you have a negotiated agreement in hand.

Conversely, if you are plugging along, feeling the tension of that white space before closing, or the pressure of silence that precedes a large “ask,” then you must not give up.  Achieving those goals, closing those deals, is always a possibility.  Expect success and don’t slow down.

Runner’s World’s Cathy Dennehey reports that just six months ago, “Infeld was at rock bottom, having not run a step in two months due to a stress fracture at the base of her spine. Since then she has recovered her fitness well, training alongside Flanagan on a daily basis, honing the speed that she used to such good effect on the final lap Monday.

Dennehey reports that Infeld did not think a medal was possible.

“My coach was telling us he really thought we could, and I wanted to put myself in it, but I didn’t know if I had this in me. I have the best teammates, I’m so grateful to them.”

See Huddle and Infeld seconds before the finish line, here:

https://youtu.be/u7KKySANnxQ

To your success!