Patti Cotton

Executive Coach & Career Strategist

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How to Botch a Critical Conversation: A Brief Checklist

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How to Botch a Critical Conversation: A Brief Checklist
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All of us have walked away at least once in our lives from a conversation, saying, “Boy, I really blew that one!”

But a lot of times, we do it without realizing it.

What should you watch for, so that you can head off disaster?

If you find yourself in a conversation with any of the following thoughts or behaviors…think again!

  1. They can’t tell you anything you don’t already know.

    You have crowned yourself the Knowledge Expert on this topic. You are comfortable allowing the other person to speak, although you may find you want to interrupt frequently. After all, once they receive the wealth of information you hold, they will see the light. Right?

  2. Assume you know best.

    This is somewhat different than #1 – you may not have all the information, but you consider yourself a wise individual who will gather the information from your conversation partner, and then decide what should be done with it, tell the other person what to do. Hmmm…

  3. This is a chance to get your personal agenda passed.

    You get excited, realizing you can work this particular conversation around to something you need personally. It may be a decision, a favor, or something else – but you are ready to be a willing listener and supporter so that you can work this around to your own goal. It’s okay if the conversation goes a bit off topic if it leads to yours.

  4. Don’t ask questions.

    Assume you have enough information from your conversation partner, during the first round in the discussion, to make an informed decision. Further, you can guess what they are going to say, and you are busy formulating your answer while they are still speaking. Ugh.

  5. Ask too many questions.

    Here, you’ve determined you know what the topic is, and you zero in on the details “rapid-fire” style while the other person is still attempting to share. You figure you appear interested, so you continue your interrogation. Do you wonder why people abandon their conversations with you before finishing? Hmmm…

Do you or someone you know identify with any of these? If so, it’s time to do some “deep listening.” Conversation is much more enjoyable when you realize that you not only don’t know all there is to know about a subject, but that your conversation partner can bring valuable, new things to the table that can widen your perspective and open up new vistas for you.

Want to know more about deep listening?

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How to Raise Your Influence in Less Than 5 Seconds

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How to Raise Your Influence in Less Than 5 Seconds

You can raise your “influence quotient” with someone in just five seconds.

This may sound unbelievable, but it’s true.

In the past three articles, we have focused on raising your ability to influence others. Although these tips have focused on sending the right “outer signals” – making an emotional connection, using appropriate verbal and non-verbal language, and asking for a favor – it is important to remember that these “outer signals” must come from the right “inner motives”.

In the best of worlds, influence should be used for good – it should be borne out of genuine passion for something you believe will make the world (or at least your world) a better place.

These tips I’ve been sharing are really about being able to marry the “outer to the inner,” to show the other person that you care about them as a human being and that you are willing to be vulnerable and real with them. In reality, many people really care, but they simply don’t know how to show it.

There’s one shift that requires the inner and outer parts of a person to work together, that really brings congruency to your motives and outer behaviors, and that is listening.

Deep listening.

There is a big difference between hearing and listening. And it is listening that will cause you to become more influential.

Pauline Oliveros, an American composer, actually devoted her life’s work to deep listening, and coined the term after descending 14 feet into an underground cistern to make a recording. She then designed a like setting to inspire both trained and untrained performers to practice the art of listening and responding to environmental conditions in solo and ensemble situations. What she was after was the deep and empathic understanding that comes of truly connecting at the visceral level.

Oliveros instructed her listeners to “walk so silently until the bottoms of your feet become ears.”

Oliveros went on to form the “Deep Listening Band,” to allow new and experienced musicians to practice this art of deep listening, “integrating principles of improvisation, electronic music, ritual, teaching and meditation” (Wikipedia).

Extrapolating from this, one might say that we should still our personal agenda to truly connect to understand. This is deep listening.

Without listening, we cannot communicate. Listening requires at least two people because there will be an exchange of information, a synthesis of that information, and feedback. True communication is a continuous loop of these processes. How we listen determines the extent to which we can connect to make great things happen.

How does this relate to increasing your influence? Think for a moment.

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In the coaching world, we say there are five levels of listening.

Here they are adapted from Stephen R. Covey‘s “Listening Continuum,” in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Level 1: Ignoring, or Not Listening

The Ignorer does not appear to be listening. They may not hear you or, if willfully ignoring, are sending the message that they do not want to acknowledge you. There is no exchange of information, much less communication. Their personal agenda is clearly something else! This can be very irritating to the speaker because he knows the listener is not paying attention to anything but is merely thinking of what he will say when he gets a chance to talk.

This means the conversation follows the listener’s (or non-listener in this case!) agenda, not the speaker’s agenda. An example might be when you are talking about a business matter, and when you finish your thought, the listener speaks up and asks how you enjoyed the party last weekend.

Level 2: Pretend Listening (Patronizing)

The Patronizing Listener may occasionally nod their head or make a gesture in your direction, but they also show you they are paying attention to other things or allowing distractions to become their focus instead of you. Their personal agenda is to judge whether or not they need to pay attention to your message.

Level 3: Selective Listening

The Selective Listener will indicate they are listening at times, but hearing only part of your message. They will often pay attention to only those parts of your message with which they agree, and may often interrupt you or cut you off to ask, “So what’s your point?” Their personal agenda is to hear your story so they can respond with theirs.

For instance, you might be saying that your son really enjoyed soccer camp this summer and the listener responds by saying that her son went last year, and he didn’t like it much.

Level 4: Attentive Listening

The Attentive Listener wants to hear you, but will use their frame of reference to communicate with you. They will often respond by offering advice. Their personal agenda is to hear you, to apply any information they glean from your message, and to see if it is appropriate to apply within their own frame of reference.

Now we are getting into real listening. In this case you might be saying that you have had some difficulty getting your manager to buy into your ideas about something and the listener asks you to tell her more about it.

Level 5: Empathetic Listening (Mirroring or Active Listening)

The Empathic Listener seeks to listen beyond your words, to put themselves in your shoes to the heart and feelings that lie behind the words. This requires stepping out of their own frame of reference, values, personal story, and tendency to judge. This means that the listener has left their personal agenda and bias behind to seek to understand you. It is at this level that a true empathic exchange occurs, building trust, safe space, and an arena where true change and resolution can occur.

With the first four levels, the listener hears while operating from their own frame of reference. The fifth level of listening requires that the listener leave this personal agenda to truly connect empathically.

Here you might be saying that you’d better not go out for drinks after work, and the listener asks if you are worried about your kids being home alone. He hit the nail on the head, and you admit that you really are worried about that and would rather go right home.

How many people in your life can you identify at each of these levels?

It’s rather easy to think of people who exhibit levels 1-4, but it’s rare to know people who reflect level 5.

Why?

Because listening at level 5 means putting one’s own agenda completely aside to become neutral and caring. When we do encounter these people who listen at level 5, we fall in love with them.

Why is that?

It is because we feel heard. We feel understood and acknowledged as a human being.

Developing such a high level of listening takes time, patience, a willing heart, and a whole lot more that is quite another article! But if you are with someone else and you truly want to connect to become more influential in their lives, then this is what you must strive for. Because in the end, even if you seek to influence someone else toward your own agenda, true listening in the process may bring to light something you didn’t realize – and which may turn your own agenda on its head.

How do you increase your influence with someone in just five seconds?

It is with a shift in thinking: putting your own agenda aside for just a brief moment.

I’ve outlined a conversation to follow this shift that will truly acknowledge both you and the other person. The results from such a conversation can be not only rewarding, but relationship-changing for you both. (This outline assumes you’ve proposed your agenda, and you have made the 5-second shift to put this aside, now, to listen to the other person):

  1. Remain silent while the other person speaks. Tell yourself that whatever you are thinking right now can wait to be said, and really try to hear what they are saying.
  2. When they pause, you can say something like, “Tell me more,” or “What’s behind that?” And listen. Listen with the soles of your feet – put yourself in this person’s shoes and try to see through his eyes, from his perspective.
  3. Once the person is done talking, instead of rebutting, or giving advice, mirror back what he has just said as you show you are seeking to understand and acknowledge his point of view. “Here’s what I hear you saying, John…you are really worried about taking this course of action because it may place you in a position of vulnerability with your current project. Is that right?”
  4. As John acknowledges or edifies what you have just mirrored back, keep listening – go deeper into a mental space that is like Oliveros’ 14-foot cavern. Try not to formulate what you want to say – just listen. Reflect back what you have heard, again.
  5. Then finally, after you feel you have really listened to John, you can say something like, “John, I really hear what you are saying, and I don’t want to put you in a vulnerable position. Is there a way that we can solve this larger problem we are addressing together? What might that look like?

I challenge you to try this conversation out with a colleague or loved one. If you can do this, and begin to develop the art of deep listening, the results for you will be life-changing.

Building Influence – Making Emotional Connections

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Building Influence – Making Emotional Connections
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Have you ever been in a situation where you wish you had greater persuasive powers?

A situation on a flight reminded me about some of the critical steps we need to take to enjoy more influence with others.

I took an early plane to the Northwest to spend time with family on the Puget Sound. Looking forward to a quiet flight, I encountered, instead, two co-workers across the aisle who were in a heated exchange.

One gentleman, Frank, was insistent that the other “take a look at the numbers – the numbers speak for themselves!” But this was not having the desired effect on his seatmate, who sounded frazzled.

“How do I get through to you, John?” Frank finally blurted out. “It’s like talking to a brick wall!”

Have you ever felt like you were talking to a brick wall?

How do you begin to get through?

As it happens, Frank didn’t have a chance.

In fact, John turned to him and said, “Your conversation is wearing me out, Frank. I can’t listen anymore. End of story.”

I wish I could have taken Frank aside, and said this:

Frank, here’s where you could have turned this around.

You should have made an emotional connection with John to tip the scales.

Get the dopamine flowing.

Making an emotional connection is the conduit of “warm and fuzzy.” This helps people feel good and predisposed to listening, to being open to more conversation.

Instead, Frank began his conversation with, “John, I need to get you on board with this new strategy. What’s it going to take?” Diving into a selfish stance of “I need…from you” staged the failure.

Frank could have paved the way to a successful conversation by something like, “John, how was your weekend? Do anything special with the family?” or, “John, what project are you working on right now that is especially rewarding?”

When you connect in this way, it stimulates the pleasure-reward area of the brain – the “feel good” area. You are showing people you care about them in a genuine and personal way.

When you do this, people feel you are interested, and they feel heard as you listen. They tend to want to reciprocate, and will ask you some personal things, as well. This sets the stage as common ground.

It changes the other person’s attitude from one of “what do you want from me,” to “what are we looking at together?”

If you want to influence people, you need to make and strengthen that emotional connection, not only throughout the conversation, but in your relationship in general.

With whom do you have an important relationship that needs more emotional connection?

What impact are you having in life and business?
Click below to take the complimentary Impact Assessment.

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5 Tips to Mentor Your First-Time Manager

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How to Help Your New Manager Show Who is Boss

Mentoring Others to Take Charge

Your new manager is a talented individual. If they were not, you would not have hired them. Even though a new manager has excelled in their previous position, they may not yet have acquired the skills of managing people to meet success in the new role.

If you don’t jump in to provide mentoring and guidance, you’ll be losing much more than face. Around 60% of new managers fail. And you’ll recall that when a new manager does not work out, you will lose an average of 6-9 months of their salary in replacing them (recruitment, training, team productivity, and more), as well as a lot of time and energy. This means that if your person is making $40,000 per year, you will lose between $20,000-$30,000 in the process.

This is a much bigger ticket than investing in some sound managerial training for new managers, which usually costs around $2,000.00.

I have heard from many who tell me of their bad experiences with supervising new promotions. One of the top concerns you’ve expressed is how to help new managers adjust to managing people by displaying authority in an effective way.

How do you help your new manager learn to show how to lead – the right way?

Leaders have reported seeing some pretty sad and frustrating behaviors as the new manager attempts to assert their role – all the way from apologetic language and cloudy directives to arrogance and micro-managerial tones and approaches. Many new promotions want to assure their team members that they are still friends. Others feel they need to divorce themselves from the pack to lead. Neither is right. And the fallout from either approach is severe.

Learning to manage people takes time and experience.

Here is a 5-step checklist you can use to help your new manager to begin, and to reflect a healthier way of showing authority:

1. Teach them to set clear expectations.

As the leader, you have no doubt drawn up an action plan for the department with goals, measurables, and key milestones. Ask your new manager to review this, and to define expectations for their reports. Have them work with you to do this a few times so that they receive the benefit of your coaching. Helping a new manager go through this exercise will flex their ability to see the large picture and the moving pieces that help to compose it. It will also give you a sense of where they will need additional support as they gain greater understanding.

2. Teach them to be proactive.

Talk to them about setting up regular meetings with each of their reports to review expectations and to set up a system for each to report back to them on a regular basis. This one move will help to minimize the tendency for the new manager to micromanage since they will know when to expect the reports, and will also allow a private forum in which they can explore with team members what motivates each, how they can best lead, and to answer any concerns or questions.

3. Teach them to deal with conflict in a timely manner.

Conflict should not be allowed to take over, or it will decimate the department. It must be addressed in a timely manner, and your new manager needs to learn to handle it well by separating out emotions, stories, and issues. Further, what seems to be an issue may really be a symptom. For more on how to get to the real issue and help them develop their problem-solving skills, see the article “Taking Your Problem-Solving from Good to Great: The Missing Step.”

4. Teach them to be even-handed.

Help them to be fair in the way they deal with requests such as raises, bonuses, additional resources, and other perks. Show them how to evaluate requests by leaning on policy, procedure, and performance. This will help them to avoid team members who beg favoritism based on past relationships or future promises. It will also help them to support their decisions as they provide these opportunities to those who merit them.

5. Teach them to role model leadership.

They may not know it yet, but everyone is watching. Your new manager got the promotion, and others are curious to see whether they deserve it. They are wondering whether they can trust following them based on what they see in their decisions and actions. Is your new manager coming in late because they are now salaried and feel they have a license? When they have their lunch with the same team members on most days, does this send the wrong message to others? These are things we as leaders know will inhibit our ability to be trusted. A new manager should have that judgment, but some still need the guidance.

Think back to your earlier days when you were a new manager. What was the best advice you received that helped you establish success?

What impact are you having in life and business?
Click below to take the complimentary Impact Assessment.

TAKE THE IMPACT ASSESSMENThttp://inspireinfluenceimpactquiz.com/

Patti Cotton helps executives optimize their effectiveness in leading self, others, and the enterprise. Her areas of focus include confidence, leadership style, executive presence, effective communication, succession planning, and masterful execution. With over 25 years of leadership experience, both stateside and abroad, Patti works with individuals, teams, and organizations across industries, providing executive coaching, leadership development, succession planning, change, and conflict management. She is also a Fortune 500 speaker. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

When Leadership Abdicates the Throne

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When Leadership Abdicates the Throne

Most know the romantic short version of the story of King Edward VIII and American socialite divorcée Wallis “Wally” Simpson. The young king gave up the throne so that he could marry and spend the rest of his life with his love.

The longer version of this story is seldom discussed, and it’s not quite as romantic. In fact, the situation was fraught with tangled and tawdry conflicts up from the time they met until the end of the couple’s lives.

The history books recount Edward publicly showering Wally with jewels and lavish vacations, and upon becoming king, continuing to consort with the still-married Wally, creating scandal and confusion touching not only his own family, but also the government and the United Kingdom. Even after abdicating the throne, Edward and Wally continued to flirt and fraternize with risky and dangerous relationships and situations, including heavy indicators that they supported Adolf Hitler and his efforts.

What does this wild situation have to do with leadership in the workplace?

Whether Edward should have left the throne for the woman he loved is not in judgment. Rather, it is the way he went about things – poor focus, direction, and execution. This resulted in a loss of trust and support by his inner circle and his country, and a challenging life after leaving the throne.

It’s when you’ve lost the trust and support of your people that it’s “game over.”

What does leadership abdication look like in the workplace?

It may be more subtle than stepping down from a royal throne, but it’s just as damaging.

Here are some styles of those at the top who may or may not be physically present, but who abdicate their responsibility as leaders.

Through poor behaviors and approaches, these hurt the morale, and productivity of those around them. Teams silo. Key talent leaves. Confusion reigns. The bottom line suffers. Do you or anyone you know have a boss like one of these? Or, as a leader, do you identify with any of these traits in your own leadership or in that of your team?

  • Jan, the Benevolent Dictator.

The Benevolent Dictator is the proverbial maternal/paternal figure, who keeps a tight rein on everyone. As a report, you aren’t always sure what you are supposed to do until you get directives from Jan – what to do, how to do them – and then Jan will check with you frequently to make sure you are doing what she told you to do. Sometimes she will even change her mind about what she tells you to do so that you have to change direction in the middle of a process. In short, the micro-manager extraordinaire, Jan may have you in her office several times weekly to tell you when to turn right or left. Is it any surprise that Jan doesn’t have her team operate from an action plan that empowers them and allows them to move forward on their own? In addition, chances are, your job description is “in the pile to update,” and so is your raise. Good luck with that.

  • Sam, the Disappearing Act.

Sam likes for you to take over while he disappears. In the beginning, it was pretty exciting to have so much leeway with what and how you run your area of responsibility. But then, you began to catch on – Sam reappears at the oddest times, parachuting into the middle of your projects and decisions. He questions what and why you are doing what you are doing. He changes things. It’s pretty frustrating, and you can lose credibility with others when he does this. Feel like a yo-yo?  You are. You’ve probably been promised a promotion for some time, and it’s overdue. If you could just get some time with Sam to discuss – but then, everyone else is lining up with questions, too. Because there are some critical, time-sensitive decisions that have been waiting for his endorsement – and he hasn’t been around to answer them until right now. Catch him quickly! Because, when you least expect it, Sam will be out the door, again.

  • Julia, the Decision-Adverse Boss.

Julia is famous for bringing enough of her homemade strawberry pie into the office for everyone to have a slice. She knows the names of all your kids and pets. She plans the best staff retreats. But it never seems like the right time to get a decision on critical items from Julia. “Let me mull this over,” and “That’s a great idea – let’s put it on our list,” are two of her favorite responses to your queries. Face it – you just can’t move forward with some of your initiatives without her help. You get the feeling that she cares about some things – just not about getting the work done. So forget your goals. Have another slice of pie. P.S. You’d better hope that when evaluation time comes around, she doesn’t blame you for poor performance.

  • Jim, the Easter Bunny.

Jim loves everyone, and everyone (seems?) to love him. He thrives on being liked, and it’s because of this that he refuses to do the right thing. Jim doesn’t want anyone to think he is playing favorites. Consequently, he hands projects and opportunities out like candy, and when one person gets a raise, everyone gets one. You can imagine with this kind of distribution that the remuneration is modest. You’ll hear things like, “Well, let’s see, you say you are doing twice the work that old Bernie is, and that you have twice as many reports, and twice as much revenue to generate as he does. But, you know, Bernie has been with us for 25 years, now. We wouldn’t want him to get the wrong impression, would we? So let’s just hold that promotion idea until we can come up with something for him, too. Maybe we can take it up with the team tomorrow.”  Just a word, here, but you’ve probably already guessed it:  Tomorrow never comes.

  • Mark, the Candy Man.

Who’s a good girl or boy? I’ll tell you who – it’s whoever is favored at the moment. Feel like you are favored? Try as you might, you won’t find out why you are loved at the moment, so you just hope you keep doing whatever it is keeps you on the boss’ good side. On the other hand, do you feel like the boss is spanking you for something and you don’t know why? Chances are you won’t find that out, either. You may not have done anything wrong, but the boss will deny any unfair treatment when you ask about it. Meanwhile, you feel like you are continually shut down – your ideas, the way you do things. Tired of playing with crazy? Time to think about alternatives.

There are so many ways of abdicating one’s responsibility in leadership. But no matter what style or behavior it is that holds someone back from leading, it always winds up damaging self, others, and the enterprise.

What poor style of leadership have you witnessed or heard about in the past?

Curious about your strengths in leadership?
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Patti Cotton is a CEO and former foreign diplomat. A sixth generation business owner, Patti not only coaches leaders – she has extensive experience in actually being one. Her experience, record of unprecedented success, and extensive training and certifications make her uniquely qualified to bring value to you and your team in the areas of leading self, leading others, and leading the enterprise.

Patti’s areas of focus include leadership and talent development, with specialization in leadership behavior and communication, conflict management, executive presence, succession planning, and strategic personal, leadership, and organizational growth.

With over 25 years of proven leadership experience, Patti works with individuals, teams, and organizations across diverse industries. As an executive coach, trainer, and Fortune 500 speaker, she will inspire, influence, and impact your organizational leaders to reach new heights of success in their personal and professional growth, and to improve performance across your organization.

For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.