Patti Cotton

Executive Coach & Career Strategist

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Asking for a Favor Can be a Powerful Tool

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Asking for a Favor Can be a Powerful Tool
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Do you hesitate to ask for a favor when you know you already need a bigger one from that same person?

You’d be surprised that this is indeed the best time to ask!

And it’s especially helpful as you seek to influence that person toward a larger, more important goal.

Does that feel counter-intuitive? Many say it does.

Yet, Benjamin Franklin proved that when you ask someone for a favor, this person will be actually more predisposed to do another one for you!

To quote Mr. Franklin, “He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.’’

And he proved this by successfully testing out the theory to earn favor among high-ranking members of Philadelphia’s General Assembly.

Specifically, the story is told that while Franklin was running for reappointment as Clerk of the Assembly, a new, influential member ardently argued for a different candidate. Franklin saw this passion and wanted it for his own advocacy, instead.

So when he learned that this new member had a rare book collection, Franklin approached him and asked to borrow one of the most valuable books. The member agreed, Franklin quickly read the book and returned it.

The next time the two gentlemen met, the new member initiated a conversation with Franklin and offered his help on anything Franklin might need in the future. Guess what Franklin asked of him? You guessed it. And he got it. The new member not only advocated for Franklin, but they developed a influential relationship from there that lasted until the second gentleman’s death.

In social psychology, we now call this the “Ben Franklin Effect.” It’s a powerful tool to develop supportive relationships and to curry influence.

In the workforce, we see the Ben Franklin Effect work successfully in many situations.

First, if you are seeking a position, asking for an informational interview to learn more about the field, asking questions about trends in the industry, or seeking other advice usually results in the other person wanting to help you find a job.

In sales, you may want to ask the potential client about where they think the market is headed, or what product benefits they find most powerful or valuable.

And certainly, Frank could have used this with John (see the first article of this series where Frank blows the entire multi-million dollar deal with John because of his poor approach – click here).

With whom do you need more influence at this time? What favor can you ask of them in order to develop a closer, more fruitful relationship that can serve you both in future?

What impact are you having in life and business?
Click below to take the complimentary Impact Assessment.

TAKE THE IMPACT ASSESSMENThttp://inspireinfluenceimpactquiz.com/

Influence as a Full Contact Sport

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Influence as a Full Contact Sport
Image Credit: Shutterstock

Do you remember making a giant cannonball in the deep end of the pool? That hot sun hitting your face as you ran fast to leap into the air as high as you could?

And that beautiful reward! That magic moment when you, as a human cannonball, hit that icy water to make that huge and glorious splash!

Ahhh….

That’s what I call “full contact”! Just like soccer or basketball, cannonballs require that you use your mind, spirit, and body to make big things happen.

What in the world do cannonballs and “full contact” sports have to do with increasing your influence?

Influence is also a full-contact sport.

Influence is not achieved by just relating well or being popular. And it isn’t accomplished if you only use the right words or focus on making your case the “right one.”

We previously talked about the importance of first making an emotional connection with others as you seek to influence. (If you missed it, click here).

As you make your emotional connection, you want to be “full on,” using your body as part of making your case. This means using appropriate body and eye contact.

Let’s talk eye contact, first.

Here are some types of eye contact “blunderers” who defeat their own case before they present it:

  1. The Wanderer, or, “I am looking for my point somewhere in the room.” You’ve probably encountered someone like this. While talking, their eyes and head travel around the room as though looking for an answer of some kind, or as though they are trying to locate the point they actually want to make with you. Distracting! And it says, “I am not sure about what I am presenting, here.”
  2. The Mad Hatter, or, “I’m late and preoccupied with everything but you.” This doesn’t need much explanation. I once had a boss that fiddled with his texts, looked at his computer screen, and answered the phone – all while talking to me. Message? “I’m not with you – and I’m not with anyone else. Just keep talking and I’ll keep ignoring you.” Ineffective, to say the least, and “rude” is the word that really comes to mind.
  3. The Auger, or, “I may become a hypnotist in my next chapter.” This person seems to want to see through your head, when in fact, they have probably just read an article that tells them to maintain eye contact. Maintaining eye contact is not obsessively staring into someone’s eyes.
  4. The Obsessed, or, “That imaginary spot on your shirt is fascinating.” I have been present when some people have said to others, “Hey, my eyes are up here!” Staring at something on a person’s head, shirt, or anywhere else besides their eyes is disconcerting.
  5. The Selfie Artist, or, “I love to hear myself talking.” Here, the person is staring off into space while dominating the conversation. It’s as if she loves to hear the sound of her own voice and doesn’t need anyone else in the room. Frustrating – and off-putting.

You can probably think of more ineffective eye contact styles!

Here are some basic rules of thumb for good eye contact, which tells your listener that you are engaged, present, and interested:

  • Establish eye contact right away.

This sends the message that you are fully present with the other person, and not preoccupied with other things. There’s nothing more counter-productive in a conversation – especially one destined to influence – than looking all around or continually glancing at your phone or watch, which says, “I really don’t want to be here.”

  • Hold eye contact for 4-5 seconds at a time while conversing.

Riveting your eyes on the other person, no matter what is happening, can look and feel artificial and uncomfortable. You can break a “stare” by occasionally looking down or over from your conversation partner and then resume eye contact.

  • Soften a potential stare.

Feel strange looking straight into the other person’s eyes? Try this trick: look at the outer edge of one of your conversation partner’s eye’s iris. This can help you to be more at ease and will still have the appearance of direct eye contact without staring.

And now, a word about the rest of the body language!

Here’s a very brief checklist for success:

  1. Is your body turned toward and leaning in slightly toward the other person? This says, “I’m interested and engaged.”
  2. Are your arms open and hands uncurled (as opposed to crossed arms and tightened fists!)?
  3. Standing? Stand with feet aligned under shoulders.
  4. Sitting? Feet on the floor, and not tucked under your chair. Hands and forearms loosely apart on the table in front of you, or if no table, hands lightly resting on the armrests or just above your knees.
  5. Head and eyes to the horizon! A downward-cast head angle says, “I’m not confident or sure.” An upward-swing of the head that shows the underside of your chin says, “I’m hot stuff – and I’m not sure you are!”

Again, there are more refinements for best body language, but the 5 points above should get you headed in the right direction.

In sum, if you want to have more influence with others, tell them at every interaction that you are eager, interested, and engaged with them as human beings. Make this genuine, and make it a practice – it will pay off!

In our next “chapterette” about how to gain more influence, we will be talking about asking for favors. This may seem counter-intuitive, but asking for a favor can actually predispose others to want to help you more.

Stay tuned!

What impact are you having in life and business?
Click below to take the complimentary Impact Assessment.

TAKE THE IMPACT ASSESSMENThttp://inspireinfluenceimpactquiz.com/

Building Influence – Making Emotional Connections

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Building Influence – Making Emotional Connections
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Have you ever been in a situation where you wish you had greater persuasive powers?

A situation on a flight reminded me about some of the critical steps we need to take to enjoy more influence with others.

I took an early plane to the Northwest to spend time with family on the Puget Sound. Looking forward to a quiet flight, I encountered, instead, two co-workers across the aisle who were in a heated exchange.

One gentleman, Frank, was insistent that the other “take a look at the numbers – the numbers speak for themselves!” But this was not having the desired effect on his seatmate, who sounded frazzled.

“How do I get through to you, John?” Frank finally blurted out. “It’s like talking to a brick wall!”

Have you ever felt like you were talking to a brick wall?

How do you begin to get through?

As it happens, Frank didn’t have a chance.

In fact, John turned to him and said, “Your conversation is wearing me out, Frank. I can’t listen anymore. End of story.”

I wish I could have taken Frank aside, and said this:

Frank, here’s where you could have turned this around.

You should have made an emotional connection with John to tip the scales.

Get the dopamine flowing.

Making an emotional connection is the conduit of “warm and fuzzy.” This helps people feel good and predisposed to listening, to being open to more conversation.

Instead, Frank began his conversation with, “John, I need to get you on board with this new strategy. What’s it going to take?” Diving into a selfish stance of “I need…from you” staged the failure.

Frank could have paved the way to a successful conversation by something like, “John, how was your weekend? Do anything special with the family?” or, “John, what project are you working on right now that is especially rewarding?”

When you connect in this way, it stimulates the pleasure-reward area of the brain – the “feel good” area. You are showing people you care about them in a genuine and personal way.

When you do this, people feel you are interested, and they feel heard as you listen. They tend to want to reciprocate, and will ask you some personal things, as well. This sets the stage as common ground.

It changes the other person’s attitude from one of “what do you want from me,” to “what are we looking at together?”

If you want to influence people, you need to make and strengthen that emotional connection, not only throughout the conversation, but in your relationship in general.

With whom do you have an important relationship that needs more emotional connection?

What impact are you having in life and business?
Click below to take the complimentary Impact Assessment.

TAKE THE IMPACT ASSESSMENThttp://inspireinfluenceimpactquiz.com/

When Leadership Abdicates the Throne

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When Leadership Abdicates the Throne

Most know the romantic short version of the story of King Edward VIII and American socialite divorcée Wallis “Wally” Simpson. The young king gave up the throne so that he could marry and spend the rest of his life with his love.

The longer version of this story is seldom discussed, and it’s not quite as romantic. In fact, the situation was fraught with tangled and tawdry conflicts up from the time they met until the end of the couple’s lives.

The history books recount Edward publicly showering Wally with jewels and lavish vacations, and upon becoming king, continuing to consort with the still-married Wally, creating scandal and confusion touching not only his own family, but also the government and the United Kingdom. Even after abdicating the throne, Edward and Wally continued to flirt and fraternize with risky and dangerous relationships and situations, including heavy indicators that they supported Adolf Hitler and his efforts.

What does this wild situation have to do with leadership in the workplace?

Whether Edward should have left the throne for the woman he loved is not in judgment. Rather, it is the way he went about things – poor focus, direction, and execution. This resulted in a loss of trust and support by his inner circle and his country, and a challenging life after leaving the throne.

It’s when you’ve lost the trust and support of your people that it’s “game over.”

What does leadership abdication look like in the workplace?

It may be more subtle than stepping down from a royal throne, but it’s just as damaging.

Here are some styles of those at the top who may or may not be physically present, but who abdicate their responsibility as leaders.

Through poor behaviors and approaches, these hurt the morale, and productivity of those around them. Teams silo. Key talent leaves. Confusion reigns. The bottom line suffers. Do you or anyone you know have a boss like one of these? Or, as a leader, do you identify with any of these traits in your own leadership or in that of your team?

  • Jan, the Benevolent Dictator.

The Benevolent Dictator is the proverbial maternal/paternal figure, who keeps a tight rein on everyone. As a report, you aren’t always sure what you are supposed to do until you get directives from Jan – what to do, how to do them – and then Jan will check with you frequently to make sure you are doing what she told you to do. Sometimes she will even change her mind about what she tells you to do so that you have to change direction in the middle of a process. In short, the micro-manager extraordinaire, Jan may have you in her office several times weekly to tell you when to turn right or left. Is it any surprise that Jan doesn’t have her team operate from an action plan that empowers them and allows them to move forward on their own? In addition, chances are, your job description is “in the pile to update,” and so is your raise. Good luck with that.

  • Sam, the Disappearing Act.

Sam likes for you to take over while he disappears. In the beginning, it was pretty exciting to have so much leeway with what and how you run your area of responsibility. But then, you began to catch on – Sam reappears at the oddest times, parachuting into the middle of your projects and decisions. He questions what and why you are doing what you are doing. He changes things. It’s pretty frustrating, and you can lose credibility with others when he does this. Feel like a yo-yo?  You are. You’ve probably been promised a promotion for some time, and it’s overdue. If you could just get some time with Sam to discuss – but then, everyone else is lining up with questions, too. Because there are some critical, time-sensitive decisions that have been waiting for his endorsement – and he hasn’t been around to answer them until right now. Catch him quickly! Because, when you least expect it, Sam will be out the door, again.

  • Julia, the Decision-Adverse Boss.

Julia is famous for bringing enough of her homemade strawberry pie into the office for everyone to have a slice. She knows the names of all your kids and pets. She plans the best staff retreats. But it never seems like the right time to get a decision on critical items from Julia. “Let me mull this over,” and “That’s a great idea – let’s put it on our list,” are two of her favorite responses to your queries. Face it – you just can’t move forward with some of your initiatives without her help. You get the feeling that she cares about some things – just not about getting the work done. So forget your goals. Have another slice of pie. P.S. You’d better hope that when evaluation time comes around, she doesn’t blame you for poor performance.

  • Jim, the Easter Bunny.

Jim loves everyone, and everyone (seems?) to love him. He thrives on being liked, and it’s because of this that he refuses to do the right thing. Jim doesn’t want anyone to think he is playing favorites. Consequently, he hands projects and opportunities out like candy, and when one person gets a raise, everyone gets one. You can imagine with this kind of distribution that the remuneration is modest. You’ll hear things like, “Well, let’s see, you say you are doing twice the work that old Bernie is, and that you have twice as many reports, and twice as much revenue to generate as he does. But, you know, Bernie has been with us for 25 years, now. We wouldn’t want him to get the wrong impression, would we? So let’s just hold that promotion idea until we can come up with something for him, too. Maybe we can take it up with the team tomorrow.”  Just a word, here, but you’ve probably already guessed it:  Tomorrow never comes.

  • Mark, the Candy Man.

Who’s a good girl or boy? I’ll tell you who – it’s whoever is favored at the moment. Feel like you are favored? Try as you might, you won’t find out why you are loved at the moment, so you just hope you keep doing whatever it is keeps you on the boss’ good side. On the other hand, do you feel like the boss is spanking you for something and you don’t know why? Chances are you won’t find that out, either. You may not have done anything wrong, but the boss will deny any unfair treatment when you ask about it. Meanwhile, you feel like you are continually shut down – your ideas, the way you do things. Tired of playing with crazy? Time to think about alternatives.

There are so many ways of abdicating one’s responsibility in leadership. But no matter what style or behavior it is that holds someone back from leading, it always winds up damaging self, others, and the enterprise.

What poor style of leadership have you witnessed or heard about in the past?

Curious about your strengths in leadership?
Click below to take the Impact Assessment.

TAKE THE IMPACT ASSESSMENT

Patti Cotton is a CEO and former foreign diplomat. A sixth generation business owner, Patti not only coaches leaders – she has extensive experience in actually being one. Her experience, record of unprecedented success, and extensive training and certifications make her uniquely qualified to bring value to you and your team in the areas of leading self, leading others, and leading the enterprise.

Patti’s areas of focus include leadership and talent development, with specialization in leadership behavior and communication, conflict management, executive presence, succession planning, and strategic personal, leadership, and organizational growth.

With over 25 years of proven leadership experience, Patti works with individuals, teams, and organizations across diverse industries. As an executive coach, trainer, and Fortune 500 speaker, she will inspire, influence, and impact your organizational leaders to reach new heights of success in their personal and professional growth, and to improve performance across your organization.

For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

How to Bring a Dream to Fruition in 3 Critical Steps

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Last week, I shared how my father lost one million dollars and was forced to bankrupt his corporation – all due to the absence of one critical conversation.

If you haven’t seen that part of the story, click here.

Of course, that chapter is a just a snippet of a much larger success story, because the devastation of the loss of funds and ensuing fire sale of Dan Cotton’s business is not the end of this tale.

In fact, my father has always a knack not only for landing on his feet (sometimes literally!), but also for creating abundance that has made a significant impact in the world.

At age 32, he developed the beginnings of a healthcare empire by applying three critical components to create the system that thrives, today.

Most people apply one or two to generate some success, but rarely does someone pull off all three to actually create a legacy of great impact.

Vision, strategy, and execution.

Sound simple? Think, again.

Vision

Dan Cotton started with a vision. He envisioned a retirement and convalescent home that would provide not only healthcare, but the love and warm feeling of family. He had always appreciated and respected the elderly, and saw an opportunity to support them with dignity and care.

It is here that a majority of professionals in leadership positions fall short. In fact, many company CEOs do not lead; they are secretly glorified project managers. Their focus is inward and they get stuck in minutia – a state which is ultimately fatal to business health. Leaders, on the other hand, are outward-thinking. They watch for trends, anticipating needs and making powerful connections in order to keep the business vibrant and sustainable. Yet, keeping the vision in front while managing the daily requisites of business is no small feat.

What is your vision for your business? How does your healthy, thriving business make an impact and contribute to the world?

Strategy

Try to get funding at age 32 to develop such a healthcare complex – to manage builders and permits, recruit physicians and staff, market for clients, learn about compliance, and about a million other things!  Dad had been a university theology professor prior to this endeavor. So he had to perform diligent research, lay out all the pieces and assemble them into some kind of plan, network, exert influence to get things done, and find funding without a firm business track record.

At any point, the enormity of this project could have pressured him to fold and return to the university, where his future was safe and sound. But my father is a calculated risk-taker and full of drive. Combined with his strategic eye, he hung in there; and because of this, he met with success – and it paid off.

How is your “strategy quotient?”

This is your ability to see all the pieces that need to come into place, and how to place them so the plan works. Are you relying on others to come up with strategies and direction? What needs to change?

Execution

Here is where the rubber meets the road. Many business leaders are stuck in visioning and planning, and successful execution eludes them. Dad knew how to orchestrate the complex pieces that were required to develop and operate the healthcare system. There were many nights when he dragged home wearily, yet he would continue to work in his study before falling to sleep for a short time, only to do it, again. Perseverance, tenacity, grit – this was him. And it paid off. In a world where most new businesses fail, he pushed through. And succeeded on a major scale.

How high is your “execution quotient?”

This is your ability to get things done. Are you making effective decisions and taking timely actions? Is any part of your business lagging or waiting on you, due to inaction on your part? What needs to change?

In sum, there are just three simple steps to creating a legacy of impact: vision, strategy, and execution.

Where are you in this process?

And what do you need next in order to succeed?

Patti Cotton helps executives optimize their effectiveness in leading self, others, and the enterprise. Her areas of focus include confidence, leadership style, executive presence, effective communication, succession planning, and masterful execution. With over 25 years of leadership experience, both stateside and abroad, Patti works with individuals, teams, and organizations across industries, providing executive coaching, leadership development, succession planning, change, and conflict management. She is also a Fortune 500 speaker. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.