Patti Cotton

Identity Mindtrap #2: Black and White Thinking

March 4, 2020 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

Do you have an executive who sees everything in black and white? If you have someone on your team like this, you and your team probably experience tension as you seek to make decisions together.

This personality and their inability to work with the complex can slow down process and hold the organization hostage.

How can you spot a “black and white” thinker? And what can you do about it?

A few years ago, I was asked to work with an executive named Mark who was described as disruptive and divisive.

“Mark is one of those managers who was promoted because of his tenure,” his CEO Susan laughed. “I’ve inherited a basketful of talent on the team, and some conundrums. Mark is one of the latter. He actually impedes a lot of progress I think we could be making.”

“How does Mark impede the team’s progress?” I asked.

“Well, put it this way,” Susan responded, “everything is either white or black, good or bad, beautiful or ugly. There’s no in between with Mark. This means when we are faced with a complex problem (and when are problems not complex, these days?!), Mark will swing right or left and refuse to consider any perspectives in between.”

“That’s difficult,” I said. “The world presents a lot of challenges that live in the grey area.”

“No kidding,” Susan replied. “Especially in the business world. Volatility and complexity are the new normal.”

“I’m guessing that Mark has problems with relationships on the team, as well, then?” I prodded.

“Absolutely,” Susan answered. “When he takes a stance, he doesn’t consider the impact his decisions have on others.”

“It sounds like Mark suffers from polarized or “black and white” thinking. And it can certainly slow progress. So why are you calling me, now? It sounds like you’ve been limping along with this for the past three years.”

“You are right to ask,” Susan replied. “I should have done something about this long ago. Here’s what caused me to reach out to you: We have the opportunity to expand our market into South America, and this would really boost our ability to serve around the world. But Mark’s area is required to play a major role. His rigidity has caused us to come to a grinding halt with our negotiations. He can’t see how to compromise on things that don’t really matter, or to weigh other options besides his own option ‘A’ and option ‘B.’”

“In short, Mark is hurting the enterprise’s ability to grow,” I said.

“Yes,” Susan said. “And I hope we can salvage this deal with South America. It’s the chance of a lifetime for us.”

Susan agreed during our conversation that she would meet with Mark and share her desire for his growth, what she felt was standing in the way, and that she had hired an executive coach to support his development so that he could be even more effective.

Then, I met Mark.

“I’m not sure I need a coach,” he said. “There are two kinds of people in this world – those that can make things happen – and those who can’t. I’ve always made things happen. Look where I am,” he gestured around him. “I’m on the executive team. So, no problem, really.”

“Well, Mark,” I said, “I work with executives who have already experienced a good deal of success, and you fit that description.”

“Explain to me, again, then, why we are to work together,” he asked.

“It’s like this, Mark: picture that you are an Olympic athlete and you have already won that first gold medal. Can you see that?”

“Yes, Patti, I can imagine that,” Mark responded.

“So, picture that you want to go after that second gold medal. And in order to do so, you need to become stronger and even more agile in order to win it. With me so far?”

“Yes, I’m with you,” he said.

“Great,” I said. “Here’s the deal: what has served you thus far to get here will not get you where you need to go next. It’s as if there is a new edition of the textbook for leadership. We have more information. Information that will help you to remain relevant and able to meet new challenges.”

“Patti, I hear you,” Mark said. “I’m not sure I agree with the fact that we need to approach things differently, but evidently, my boss and the entire team think I need some help. And although I don’t see it, I’m willing to listen.”

“That’s all I ask, Mark,” I said. We shook hands and agreed to meet the following week.

As we began our work together, it was clear that he found it difficult to acknowledge shades of grey. He idealized or devalued relationships and situations depending on what was occurring at the moment with them. In other words, a colleague was either an angel or a demon. A situation was either all good or all bad. And these judgments shifted back and forth.

Mark used words like always, never, impossible, ruined, perfect. He saw his team members as not good enough, and it was difficult for him to receive any advice from others.

I touched base with Susan to alert her.

“Susan, shifting this mindset will require time and Mark’s commitment,” I said. “He has to understand that he has a challenge with his thinking in order to recognize the importance of working on it.”

“In that case, let’s move quickly on it – and I’ll tell Mark I will simply need to be the spokesperson for South American negotiations until further notice,” she answered.

And so our work began. I asked Mark to try and find the grey in at least one situation daily. And I also asked him to track his thoughts and notice when he used absolutes such as always, never, horrible, perfect, etc.

Over the course of the next few weeks, we worked on expanding his ability to take on different perspectives. I asked him to consider that choices may have more than two options, and to stretch to identify possible “third good options” in his decision-making.

Mark put his learning to work as he attended the regular executive team meetings. He was tasked to respond to ideas with questions first, and opinions later. Specifically, he was to use questions such as, “How might that work?” or “Tell me more,” and pausing to consider these for a few moments before responded with his own perspective.

Mark had some relationship-mending to do, and he needed to rebuild credibility with some key stakeholders both inside and outside the organization. As we worked on this bridging, he paused one day to remark, “You know, Patti, I realized something today. I have carried so much stress from trying to be perfect. And I’m not. No one is. Neither am I a demon – and neither is anyone else. I’m feeling more relaxed living in an imperfect world with good people.”

“I think you are on your way, Mark,” I smiled.

Susan and the rest of the team concurred. Mark received great feedback from them in several instances, and he began to be included in greater and deeper conversations with them.

It’s wonderful to stay in touch with clients long after we have completed our work, and to follow how the company is doing. I’m happy to report that today, Mark carries the title of CEO for the same company where we worked together. When Susan announced her retirement, the board and Mark’s colleagues concluded that there was no one better suited than he.

—

Read about Identity Mindtrap #1.

Identity Mind Trap #1: When Your Manager Always Needs to Be Right — Image Credit: Shutterstock

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Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Identity Mind Trap #1: When Your Manager Always Needs to Be Right

February 19, 2020 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

Do you have a manager who suffers from “rightness”? One who, when he believes he is right, stops listening and ignores data that might prove him wrong?

Identify the Issue

Nick was such a manager and his “rightness” was keeping his team from making critical decisions.

Here’s what happened – and how we helped him move past this crippling behavior.

When the CFO called, she had reached her wit’s end. “I can’t have one more conversation with him,” she said. “Whether he offers an opinion, or he responds to feedback, Nick always has a quick answer. And his way is always right. There’s no room for a different perspective or the chance that he might not have considered everything. If someone shares evidence that there is something else to consider, he won’t listen.”

“Nick is a victim of his own identity,” I responded. “His ego demands that he be seen as an expert. And if something doesn’t feel right to him, he will refuse to consider it. You are probably losing a lot of valuable time and forward motion just because of this. What does Nick bring to the executive team that prompted you to call me?”

“We need Nick,” the CFO responded. “He is extremely talented and fills a particular niche that would be hard to fill right now. Can you help?”

Accept the Challenge

Nick and I were introduced, and of course, as a self-proclaimed expert, he was convinced he did not need coaching.

“I’m not sure why you are here,” he said to me. “I’ve taken leadership bootcamps and read a lot of leadership books,” he said.

“Nick, even the best leaders have a coach. As human beings, we are capable of continuous development throughout our entire lives,” I countered. “And it appears that there is something that is holding you back from that next level of development. Let’s talk.”

It was difficult to share. Someone who is always right cannot easily see how he might benefit from growth.

However, after I shared feedback from the executive team and gave examples from some of his decisions that had gone awry, he had to admit there might be something there. It was then that we decided on a development plan.

Focus on Growth

Over the next few months, Nick, and I met on a regular basis. We first focused on understanding how one’s identity is formed and how it might get in the way of growth, and then experimented with developing a taste for considering new perspectives to expand and enlarge thinking and decision-making. He asked for feedback from colleagues and exercised restraint as he considered their opinions. The deeper work was helping him to reshape his identity to become a learner in the world. He was up to the challenge.

Rebuild Trust

Additionally, we had some damage repair to do – Nick had alienated everyone on the executive team, and it was a process for him to learn how to re-enter and build trust. This paid off.

Enjoy New Levels of Success

I’m pleased that working with Nick resulted in success for him and the team. The CFO called just recently, and shares that he is being considered for promotion.

“He has become one of our most trusted assets,” she said. “I’m excited for his future – and for ours.”

Do you have someone on your team who has found him or herself in an ego trap such as “rightness”? How has it affected the rest of your team? And how would your company be able to move forward if this was resolved?

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Three Steps Necessary to Success

January 29, 2020 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

Most of my work is helping executives and their teams make the shifts they need to make in order to successfully meet bigger goals. It is no easy task. Getting a group of people on the same page to make change sometimes means overcoming several personal agendas before the team can agree to shared goals.

Therein lies the challenge!

Making a change, whether individually or in a group, requires more than commitment to a goal and just “going for it.”

A study conducted at a nationally recognized health clinic revealed that only one in seven people will make the changes they know will make a difference to their quality of life or life itself. This has little to do with commitment and everything to do with the personal ability to make the leap necessary to succeed.

Making change means overcoming deeply engrained habits that feed emotional needs.

Such a shift requires that

You are energetically committed to your goal.
Your plan has the right steps to help you move forward.
You have the right kind of support.

Goal

Let’s say you want to become a better listener, and this is the goal you set.

These would be the requirements.

1. Commitment

First, you would need to assess your commitment to becoming a better listener. On a scale of one to five, do you rate your desire at a four or above?

If not, you will not succeed in your efforts.

If you find you are lukewarm about a goal, your energy around change will not be enough to help make the change. Perhaps a coworker or family member is after you to make this shift, or it just sounds good to be a better listener. But this is not enough. The goal you set must reflect your agenda, and it must be a strong priority for you.

2. Micro Shifts

Second, your plan must reflect micro shifts toward the goal. Too often, the gap between a vision and where one currently is leaves too vast a gap in order to move forward. In other words, we may have a clear picture of what success looks like, and a good understanding of the gap between where we are and where we want to be. We may even have incremental milestones we want to reach that will tell us that our efforts are succeeding. But these are not yet adequate for a sound plan.

A change journey must be broken down into bite-sized moves forward so the brain recognizes success and is encouraged to keep going. In the example of wanting to be a better listener, it may be too big a jump for you at first to leave your personal agenda aside when listening to others.

Perhaps a first micro shift would be to pause five seconds after the other person finishes talking before you jump in.

Or maybe you decide that you must ask one question about what they are saying before assuming you know what they are talking about.

Bite-sized pieces allow you to feel that you are succeeding, and it is a carrot to the brain to move forward instead of retreating to comfortable old habits.

3. Support

Finally, the right kind of support is needed in order to feel one is reaching success. This can come in many forms. You can hire a coach, and/or ask two or three trusted friends or colleagues to encourage and hold you accountable. For some, it is enough to surround yourself with positive people who believe in you and your efforts. Whatever means of support you seek; you must make sure you remove negative roadblocks in the form of people who don’t want you to change.

This may sound odd. However, we are all creatures of habit, and if someone in our circle begins to behave differently, we will subconsciously feel the difference and attempt to calm the disruption. So be careful of those in your circle of influence who may subtly attempt to sabotage your efforts.

In the example of becoming a better listener, you may have someone who makes fun of you wanting to change. Or they may be someone who possesses a closed mindset, and this is reflected in something like, “Oh, give it up. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Be careful of these underground currents that can push you back, and avoid or eliminate them.

If you will give careful thought to these three steps, you can reach goals you never thought possible. Every time you replace a poor habit with a better one, or you shift a behavior that allows you to operate at a higher capacity, this elevates you to a new altitude, allowing you to see greater vistas and opportunities that were once not visible to you.

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Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Does Your Lack of Authority Make You Anxious?

January 22, 2020 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

Does the thought of using your authority make you anxious?

This can really get in the way of moving the business forward.

Susan was the CEO of a small company, who found it challenging to manage her people with authority. And it was costing her considerably.

I first met Susan at a CEO forum. She was instantly likeable – people flocked around her to laugh and joke with her, and it was clear that she made friends easily.

Later, when she called me to work with her, I found that her employees also enjoyed her humor and engaging manner.

“Susan is a great listening ear,” one of her executives said. “And she’s always good for a lift in spirits.”

“Yes,” I said. “Everyone seems to appreciate her.”

“Appreciate her? Not as a leader. They like her,” the executive responded. “But as a leader, she could do with some spine. She needs to stop letting her executive team push her around.”

Although I didn’t let on, this was exactly why Susan had invited me to meet with her.

“I’m noticing that the executive team is making key decisions without me,” Susan shared later. “And I have to confess that I feel some frustration when we hold our team meetings. I feel like people are riding all over me.”

“What do you think is happening?” I asked.

Susan looked blank. “I’m not sure. But, Patti, I’m scared. How did I get here? Maybe I’m not fit to lead. Can you help?”

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to attend one of your executive team meetings,” I said. “Perhaps I can glean some insights that might help. Let’s talk afterward.”

When they next met, I was present. Susan introduced me as her new executive leadership coach. “If I expect all of you and the organization to grow, I need to grow first,” she laughed.

The meeting adjourned two hours later, and we met back in her office. I shared what I had observed.

The team was not aligned in any of the discussion, and they fought for personal agendas. Further, when Susan gave a recommendation on an item, two of the other team members argued her down. Finally, one of the team members seemed to dominate the entire meeting with his ideas about how things ought to run. Susan finally sat back and remained silent.

“So, I can see why you are frustrated, Susan,” I said. “It was pretty chaotic in there, and you didn’t move any one of your agenda items forward.”

“Things are just out of control,” she said. “Where do I start?”

“Pretty simple, really,” I responded. “When did you first become uncomfortable with your authority?”

During the rest of our meeting, Susan shared how she transitioned from a competitor to become CEO of her current company. When she first onboarded, the outgoing CEO warned her to play small and allow the team to acclimate to her. It seems one of the executive team members had interviewed for the CEO position and lost. Over the next few months, Susan fell into allowing the team to decide by consensus. She became anxious each time she thought about asserting her authority and backed off.

“I became a fly on the wall and became frozen, Patti,” Susan told me. “I didn’t used to be a highly anxious person. But I am, now. And the stress is overwhelming.”

Susan had taken the path of least resistance, and it had backfired.

People on the team started making key decisions without her.
She felt she was losing footing.
She became vague and unclear whenever she provided direction.
Other executives pushed back, and she backed down again.

“The anxiety has become overwhelming,” she told me. ”And I’ll do whatever it takes to remove the stress.”

“Well, get ready for more anxiety, then,” I countered. “But this time, it will be worth it.”

I shared that, whether you make a change or not, when you are not comfortable with where you are (and in Susan’s case, with exerting her authority), you will experience anxiety.

“Right now, you are experiencing chronic anxiety. Chronic anxiety comes from putting up with a situation that is stressful rather than taking the painful steps to resolve it. So that’s where you are, because you find yourself frozen and unsure as to how to move out from this space. Yet, should you choose to confront and make the change you need to make, that also creates anxiety. This kind of anxiety is acute. And we don’t like the thought of more anxiety. We put up with the chronic anxiety of inaction, so we don’t have to go through the acute anxiety.”

“That’s sounds crazy,” Susan said.

“It is, in a way,” I said. “Any attempt to change is going to make us feel the disruption of the familiar. A mentor coach of mine once explained it to me with the following example: chronic anxiety would be if you walked around with a pebble in your shoe and you just kept walking with it because it’s too much effort to take off the shoe. You don’t want to face the challenge. Acute anxiety would be if you are in a 10k race, and you have a pebble in your shoe. You realize that, if you stop to take it out, you will go a lot faster. But you will also lose time. And you will now have to face compensating to win the race. But you choose to do so; and, thus, face the challenge.”

“So, in order to get peace and reclaim my effectiveness, I will need to get off the path of least resistance, and face this. Stand up. Take back my authority.”

“Yes,” I answered. “But it’s easier said than done. There are a lot of people out there who know they need to face change, but they won’t. They need a thought partner to help strategize and implement, someone who can support them through the acute stress. The difference between them and you is that you are willing to take action on those needs.”

“Makes total sense,” said Susan. “When and where do we start?”

Susan and I worked over the next six months to help her reclaim her authority in a respectful, yet firm manner. There were some eruptions along the way, but Susan dealt with them well, which made room for the team to come together and begin to build cohesion and trust.

A year later, she called me.

“You wouldn’t recognize us,” she said. “We are moving forward together on all cylinders. Our conversations are different, and we are getting things done. I’m feeling comfortable leading, and the team is taking great pride in each of their areas of responsibility. Thank you.”

“You did the work, Susan,” I responded. “You decided a bit of acute anxiety was worth the prize. Congratulations!”

Are you identifying with Susan’s dilemma in this story?

Where in your own leadership are you feeling chronic anxiety?
How much is it costing you, your team, and the company?
And the most important question: Are you willing to go through the acute anxiety needed to take back your authority?

—

This article is part of a series of real-life scenarios that leaders face in today’s business world. The names and details are modified to preserve confidentiality and may represent multiple occurrences.

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Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Can You Be Angry and Still Lead Well?

January 15, 2020 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

Can you lead well when you feel angry?

A corporate executive described himself as “useless” when he experienced upset.

When he felt angry, he found it difficult to make simple decisions and get regular work done.

Both his team and his family agreed that something needed to change.

The leader’s inability to manage his anger crippled his business, as decision-making and execution are critical to outcomes.

“How do you deal with anger and still lead well?”

That’s the question he asked when he first called for help.

“I’m in the middle of an expansion, Patti. Operating at my best is critical. How do I work around this thing?”

I responded, “You can’t work around it. In fact, the key idea here is to manage your emotions well. When you learn to do this, your decision-making and your ability to get work done will be much stronger than it ever has been.”

“I’m listening,” he said. “But it doesn’t sit well with me. When I am upset, I shut down. I actually feel numb, and it’s hard to think at all.”

He and I met to continue our conversation. He described himself as steady, even keeled in most all situations, and one who shied away from confrontations.

“I’m really pretty easy to get along with,” he said. “But I admit to having some hot buttons. It really gets me going when people are unreliable or untrustworthy. But that’s pretty normal, right?”

“Absolutely,” I said. “Those are some of my hot buttons, as well. How do you handle it when these things come up?”

“That’s where it gets difficult,” he explained. “I tend to stuff my irritation and ignore the problem. You can guess how that winds up. In fact, I hate to tell on myself, but I’ve allowed some pretty bad behavior on my team. As it worsens, I get angry. And then I just withdraw and shut down. When I’m hot under the collar, I can’t think. And then, with this expansion, I need everyone to just get on board and stop the nonsense. But they don’t. And that makes me angrier. And at a certain point, when my blood pressure can’t take it anymore, I simply numb out.”

“What’s worse is that when I go home, I think I can switch gears and shut the office out of my head. But my wife says this definitely doesn’t work. She says I don’t connect with the family – no conversation, just a low-hum heavy feeling in the air. I told her I was meeting with you to help me deal with this. She says to thank you in advance on behalf of the entire family. I had no idea it was affecting things that much.”

“So, here’s what I’m hearing,” I said. “You’ve just outlined what may be the chief reason for your company’s productivity loss, your executive team’s in-fighting, your lost deadlines holding back expansion – and your family life at home. That’s huge. You need more emotional agility, and you need it quickly.

“Emotional agility is the ability to navigate challenges by managing your inner game – your thoughts, feelings, and emotions.”

He stared at me with his mouth open. “I’ll do just about anything. I am seeing damage all around me from this. How do I turn this around? How do I get more emotional agility so that I can get things back on track?”

Over the next few months, he and I worked together on making friends with anger.

It sounds odd, but it isn’t. Emotions are powerful, and most of us simply don’t know how to harness this power. Emotions are simply a signal that alerts us when something affects us or our experience. Paying attention to these signals can sharpen our critical thinking and our execution.

But creating awareness around the emotions we are feeling and making friends with them as mere signals is just the first step.

The next step is crucial – managing your emotions.

And this step was indeed more challenging. Once he recognized that anger would help alert him to pay attention to something, he then needed to decide how to address the situation that was causing it.

As he and I identified biggest potential wins through managing his anger, confrontation was first. There was a key area within the executive team that had been left to fester.

He had to decide what he would expect of the two execs causing the trouble, to share it with them, and then to stand by this to enforce accountability.

Then, he needed to recognize how to make decisions, even in a “hot state.”

This meant recognizing and validating the emotion so that he could self-regulate (simmer down) and make decisions based on his values and not be driven by emotion.

Over the following months, the business began to respond positively at both individual and team levels, and the culture shift had significant impact on the company’s ability to expand and do it well.

He single-handedly turned the business around by managing his own leadership.

In confronting his own growth area, he created impact throughout the organization.

What one thing in your leadership could make a critical impact to your business or area of responsibility?

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.