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Do You Have a People Pleaser on the Executive Team?

March 11, 2020 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

Do you have a people pleaser on the executive team? Someone who might change opinions depending on which way the wind blows?

If so, you have a major trust leak in the team.

How can you tell if you have a people pleaser? And what can you do if you identify one?

Your people pleaser means well. In fact, this is his or her main driving force in life. But because they are busy making sure they fit in, people pleasers can’t support a particular idea or direction with integrity.

Sandy was a newly appointed executive in a large software tech company. One of the chief reasons she had interviewed well was that she exhibited a great deal of empathy.

“We needed more empathy on the executive team,” said Anna, the CEO. “In our world, tech can tend to come before people, and we were making an effort to infuse leadership with more human connection and understanding.”

“You are right to keep that in mind,” I answered. “We are losing human connection in the workplace. And empathy as one of the emotional intelligence traits is key in leadership.”

“She also brought a wealth of technical knowledge, so I felt it was a great combo,” Anna continued. “But I’m noticing that she can’t tether to a decision she makes. And she actually looks at other people to see what they are going to say before she offers an opinion.”

“This is serious,” I said. “It sounds like you have someone on the team who is stuck in what we call ‘the socialized mind.’”

“Well, whatever you call it, the team has started to distrust her. They don’t know how to take what she says or presents with any kind of certainty. She pretends to agree with everyone and seems to try to act like the people around her. A real chameleon. And she is constantly asking for feedback – seems to need praise to feel good. It’s exhausting.”

“Those are hallmarks of a socialized mind,” I responded. “This means she relies on the external world to tell her who she is and what value she brings.”

“It’s just not working,” Anna said. “I need someone who can contribute by bringing her own perspective and expertise to the mix. Someone who isn’t afraid to counter an opinion, but who can also negotiate to a great solution. When I tried to talk with her about this the other day, she just kept apologizing and started crying. I need your help.”

I met with Sandy, who was, of course, eager to please. It was clear she needed to show me that she understood and agreed with me, no matter what I shared. Not surprising, as we are all creatures of comfort who need to feel that we are accepted and safe. We took some time to become acquainted so that I could develop trust with her. I asked her what she felt was the challenge from her perspective.

“I just want to do the right thing,” she said. “Hearing what is needed is important to me. And I want to make sure I align with others’ thinking so I get it right.”

This showed me clearly that she was ready for growth. There were several things we did over the course of eight months that helped Sandy move from this people-pleasing state to one that was more tethered to her values and beliefs, even in the face of conflict.

A first phase in coaching Sandy was to help her recognize where she was trying to please others instead of standing true to herself as she negotiated solutions with the team. We began by doing some personal values work to solidify her sense of self and to use as a litmus when forming opinions.

At the same time, we identified her fears around carrying different opinions than her team members and tested out of this mindset trap in small ways so that she could become accustomed to disagreeing with others as it felt comfortable.

As her confidence grew, we explored key issues in her company and identifying multiple perspectives on how to solve these. Becoming comfortable with the complex and various ways to resolve such can be threatening to someone who needs to be right in others’ eyes. Working with real-time challenges with which she was familiar helped her to become more comfortable with weighing various options and seeing that more than one might be right.

Later, developing Sandy’s comfort and lens on seeing things as systems was important. The world is complex, and this can be overwhelming for anyone. A person of socialized mind can feel threatened by such complexity. Learning to first see complexity as a system and to become comfortable with the pieces in order to make decisions is key for today’s leadership.

Sandy’s team members rallied, seeing integrity in how she showed up and contributed. She felt the positive results and worked on developing closer relationships with each to strengthen her credibility.

The end result of our coaching? Sandy became a trusted contributor at the leadership level and the company benefited greatly, as well.

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© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Identity Mindtrap #2: Black and White Thinking

March 4, 2020 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

Do you have an executive who sees everything in black and white? If you have someone on your team like this, you and your team probably experience tension as you seek to make decisions together.

This personality and their inability to work with the complex can slow down process and hold the organization hostage.

How can you spot a “black and white” thinker? And what can you do about it?

A few years ago, I was asked to work with an executive named Mark who was described as disruptive and divisive.

“Mark is one of those managers who was promoted because of his tenure,” his CEO Susan laughed. “I’ve inherited a basketful of talent on the team, and some conundrums. Mark is one of the latter. He actually impedes a lot of progress I think we could be making.”

“How does Mark impede the team’s progress?” I asked.

“Well, put it this way,” Susan responded, “everything is either white or black, good or bad, beautiful or ugly. There’s no in between with Mark. This means when we are faced with a complex problem (and when are problems not complex, these days?!), Mark will swing right or left and refuse to consider any perspectives in between.”

“That’s difficult,” I said. “The world presents a lot of challenges that live in the grey area.”

“No kidding,” Susan replied. “Especially in the business world. Volatility and complexity are the new normal.”

“I’m guessing that Mark has problems with relationships on the team, as well, then?” I prodded.

“Absolutely,” Susan answered. “When he takes a stance, he doesn’t consider the impact his decisions have on others.”

“It sounds like Mark suffers from polarized or “black and white” thinking. And it can certainly slow progress. So why are you calling me, now? It sounds like you’ve been limping along with this for the past three years.”

“You are right to ask,” Susan replied. “I should have done something about this long ago. Here’s what caused me to reach out to you: We have the opportunity to expand our market into South America, and this would really boost our ability to serve around the world. But Mark’s area is required to play a major role. His rigidity has caused us to come to a grinding halt with our negotiations. He can’t see how to compromise on things that don’t really matter, or to weigh other options besides his own option ‘A’ and option ‘B.’”

“In short, Mark is hurting the enterprise’s ability to grow,” I said.

“Yes,” Susan said. “And I hope we can salvage this deal with South America. It’s the chance of a lifetime for us.”

Susan agreed during our conversation that she would meet with Mark and share her desire for his growth, what she felt was standing in the way, and that she had hired an executive coach to support his development so that he could be even more effective.

Then, I met Mark.

“I’m not sure I need a coach,” he said. “There are two kinds of people in this world – those that can make things happen – and those who can’t. I’ve always made things happen. Look where I am,” he gestured around him. “I’m on the executive team. So, no problem, really.”

“Well, Mark,” I said, “I work with executives who have already experienced a good deal of success, and you fit that description.”

“Explain to me, again, then, why we are to work together,” he asked.

“It’s like this, Mark: picture that you are an Olympic athlete and you have already won that first gold medal. Can you see that?”

“Yes, Patti, I can imagine that,” Mark responded.

“So, picture that you want to go after that second gold medal. And in order to do so, you need to become stronger and even more agile in order to win it. With me so far?”

“Yes, I’m with you,” he said.

“Great,” I said. “Here’s the deal: what has served you thus far to get here will not get you where you need to go next. It’s as if there is a new edition of the textbook for leadership. We have more information. Information that will help you to remain relevant and able to meet new challenges.”

“Patti, I hear you,” Mark said. “I’m not sure I agree with the fact that we need to approach things differently, but evidently, my boss and the entire team think I need some help. And although I don’t see it, I’m willing to listen.”

“That’s all I ask, Mark,” I said. We shook hands and agreed to meet the following week.

As we began our work together, it was clear that he found it difficult to acknowledge shades of grey. He idealized or devalued relationships and situations depending on what was occurring at the moment with them. In other words, a colleague was either an angel or a demon. A situation was either all good or all bad. And these judgments shifted back and forth.

Mark used words like always, never, impossible, ruined, perfect. He saw his team members as not good enough, and it was difficult for him to receive any advice from others.

I touched base with Susan to alert her.

“Susan, shifting this mindset will require time and Mark’s commitment,” I said. “He has to understand that he has a challenge with his thinking in order to recognize the importance of working on it.”

“In that case, let’s move quickly on it – and I’ll tell Mark I will simply need to be the spokesperson for South American negotiations until further notice,” she answered.

And so our work began. I asked Mark to try and find the grey in at least one situation daily. And I also asked him to track his thoughts and notice when he used absolutes such as always, never, horrible, perfect, etc.

Over the course of the next few weeks, we worked on expanding his ability to take on different perspectives. I asked him to consider that choices may have more than two options, and to stretch to identify possible “third good options” in his decision-making.

Mark put his learning to work as he attended the regular executive team meetings. He was tasked to respond to ideas with questions first, and opinions later. Specifically, he was to use questions such as, “How might that work?” or “Tell me more,” and pausing to consider these for a few moments before responded with his own perspective.

Mark had some relationship-mending to do, and he needed to rebuild credibility with some key stakeholders both inside and outside the organization. As we worked on this bridging, he paused one day to remark, “You know, Patti, I realized something today. I have carried so much stress from trying to be perfect. And I’m not. No one is. Neither am I a demon – and neither is anyone else. I’m feeling more relaxed living in an imperfect world with good people.”

“I think you are on your way, Mark,” I smiled.

Susan and the rest of the team concurred. Mark received great feedback from them in several instances, and he began to be included in greater and deeper conversations with them.

It’s wonderful to stay in touch with clients long after we have completed our work, and to follow how the company is doing. I’m happy to report that today, Mark carries the title of CEO for the same company where we worked together. When Susan announced her retirement, the board and Mark’s colleagues concluded that there was no one better suited than he.

—

Read about Identity Mindtrap #1.

Identity Mind Trap #1: When Your Manager Always Needs to Be Right — Image Credit: Shutterstock

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Identity Mind Trap #1: When Your Manager Always Needs to Be Right

February 19, 2020 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

Do you have a manager who suffers from “rightness”? One who, when he believes he is right, stops listening and ignores data that might prove him wrong?

Identify the Issue

Nick was such a manager and his “rightness” was keeping his team from making critical decisions.

Here’s what happened – and how we helped him move past this crippling behavior.

When the CFO called, she had reached her wit’s end. “I can’t have one more conversation with him,” she said. “Whether he offers an opinion, or he responds to feedback, Nick always has a quick answer. And his way is always right. There’s no room for a different perspective or the chance that he might not have considered everything. If someone shares evidence that there is something else to consider, he won’t listen.”

“Nick is a victim of his own identity,” I responded. “His ego demands that he be seen as an expert. And if something doesn’t feel right to him, he will refuse to consider it. You are probably losing a lot of valuable time and forward motion just because of this. What does Nick bring to the executive team that prompted you to call me?”

“We need Nick,” the CFO responded. “He is extremely talented and fills a particular niche that would be hard to fill right now. Can you help?”

Accept the Challenge

Nick and I were introduced, and of course, as a self-proclaimed expert, he was convinced he did not need coaching.

“I’m not sure why you are here,” he said to me. “I’ve taken leadership bootcamps and read a lot of leadership books,” he said.

“Nick, even the best leaders have a coach. As human beings, we are capable of continuous development throughout our entire lives,” I countered. “And it appears that there is something that is holding you back from that next level of development. Let’s talk.”

It was difficult to share. Someone who is always right cannot easily see how he might benefit from growth.

However, after I shared feedback from the executive team and gave examples from some of his decisions that had gone awry, he had to admit there might be something there. It was then that we decided on a development plan.

Focus on Growth

Over the next few months, Nick, and I met on a regular basis. We first focused on understanding how one’s identity is formed and how it might get in the way of growth, and then experimented with developing a taste for considering new perspectives to expand and enlarge thinking and decision-making. He asked for feedback from colleagues and exercised restraint as he considered their opinions. The deeper work was helping him to reshape his identity to become a learner in the world. He was up to the challenge.

Rebuild Trust

Additionally, we had some damage repair to do – Nick had alienated everyone on the executive team, and it was a process for him to learn how to re-enter and build trust. This paid off.

Enjoy New Levels of Success

I’m pleased that working with Nick resulted in success for him and the team. The CFO called just recently, and shares that he is being considered for promotion.

“He has become one of our most trusted assets,” she said. “I’m excited for his future – and for ours.”

Do you have someone on your team who has found him or herself in an ego trap such as “rightness”? How has it affected the rest of your team? And how would your company be able to move forward if this was resolved?

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Can You Be Angry and Still Lead Well?

January 15, 2020 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

Can you lead well when you feel angry?

A corporate executive described himself as “useless” when he experienced upset.

When he felt angry, he found it difficult to make simple decisions and get regular work done.

Both his team and his family agreed that something needed to change.

The leader’s inability to manage his anger crippled his business, as decision-making and execution are critical to outcomes.

“How do you deal with anger and still lead well?”

That’s the question he asked when he first called for help.

“I’m in the middle of an expansion, Patti. Operating at my best is critical. How do I work around this thing?”

I responded, “You can’t work around it. In fact, the key idea here is to manage your emotions well. When you learn to do this, your decision-making and your ability to get work done will be much stronger than it ever has been.”

“I’m listening,” he said. “But it doesn’t sit well with me. When I am upset, I shut down. I actually feel numb, and it’s hard to think at all.”

He and I met to continue our conversation. He described himself as steady, even keeled in most all situations, and one who shied away from confrontations.

“I’m really pretty easy to get along with,” he said. “But I admit to having some hot buttons. It really gets me going when people are unreliable or untrustworthy. But that’s pretty normal, right?”

“Absolutely,” I said. “Those are some of my hot buttons, as well. How do you handle it when these things come up?”

“That’s where it gets difficult,” he explained. “I tend to stuff my irritation and ignore the problem. You can guess how that winds up. In fact, I hate to tell on myself, but I’ve allowed some pretty bad behavior on my team. As it worsens, I get angry. And then I just withdraw and shut down. When I’m hot under the collar, I can’t think. And then, with this expansion, I need everyone to just get on board and stop the nonsense. But they don’t. And that makes me angrier. And at a certain point, when my blood pressure can’t take it anymore, I simply numb out.”

“What’s worse is that when I go home, I think I can switch gears and shut the office out of my head. But my wife says this definitely doesn’t work. She says I don’t connect with the family – no conversation, just a low-hum heavy feeling in the air. I told her I was meeting with you to help me deal with this. She says to thank you in advance on behalf of the entire family. I had no idea it was affecting things that much.”

“So, here’s what I’m hearing,” I said. “You’ve just outlined what may be the chief reason for your company’s productivity loss, your executive team’s in-fighting, your lost deadlines holding back expansion – and your family life at home. That’s huge. You need more emotional agility, and you need it quickly.

“Emotional agility is the ability to navigate challenges by managing your inner game – your thoughts, feelings, and emotions.”

He stared at me with his mouth open. “I’ll do just about anything. I am seeing damage all around me from this. How do I turn this around? How do I get more emotional agility so that I can get things back on track?”

Over the next few months, he and I worked together on making friends with anger.

It sounds odd, but it isn’t. Emotions are powerful, and most of us simply don’t know how to harness this power. Emotions are simply a signal that alerts us when something affects us or our experience. Paying attention to these signals can sharpen our critical thinking and our execution.

But creating awareness around the emotions we are feeling and making friends with them as mere signals is just the first step.

The next step is crucial – managing your emotions.

And this step was indeed more challenging. Once he recognized that anger would help alert him to pay attention to something, he then needed to decide how to address the situation that was causing it.

As he and I identified biggest potential wins through managing his anger, confrontation was first. There was a key area within the executive team that had been left to fester.

He had to decide what he would expect of the two execs causing the trouble, to share it with them, and then to stand by this to enforce accountability.

Then, he needed to recognize how to make decisions, even in a “hot state.”

This meant recognizing and validating the emotion so that he could self-regulate (simmer down) and make decisions based on his values and not be driven by emotion.

Over the following months, the business began to respond positively at both individual and team levels, and the culture shift had significant impact on the company’s ability to expand and do it well.

He single-handedly turned the business around by managing his own leadership.

In confronting his own growth area, he created impact throughout the organization.

What one thing in your leadership could make a critical impact to your business or area of responsibility?

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Are You Suffering from Performance Anxiety?

December 18, 2019 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

If you lead a group of people, you most certainly carry the chronic stress that accompanies this. It’s a privilege and a responsibility to lead, and this can weigh heavy.

How do you stay on an even keel and avoid the burnout that can otherwise sneak up on you with this responsibility?

Let’s look at three common false beliefs that CEOs and other leaders carry, which create undue stress and additional problems.

1. I need to know more than my executive team.

This is naïve and unrealistic. The world is in a constant state of change and complexity. The smart thing to do is for the CEO to surround himself or herself with experts. They should concentrate on sharpening their systems, thinking, and emotional intelligence for influence and impact. Challenges that accompany the rise to the top require such.

2. I need to make all important decisions.

Fully 50% of all decisions executives make are wrong. Various factors play into this, but chief among them is that executives make these decisions without the benefit of brain trust. Know when you must make an executive decision – and when it’s best to include others for various perspectives to challenge best thinking.

HOW MUCH

DO OTHERS REALLY TRUST YOU?

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3. I can count on my great performers being great leaders.

Many a CEO has promoted an excellent performer to a leadership position because of his stellar performance, and this has backfired. In fact, the skills and attributes of a great performer are not what will make him a great leader, as leading people requires a different skillset. What the organization is left with is an underperforming leader, which causes problems and more work for those who lead.

If you find as top leader that you are carrying undue chronic stress, chances are that you are not tapping into the full potential of your executive team to take more ownership. Sharing this with them will not only relieve performance anxiety for you, it will also flex the executive team’s ability to stand into greater responsibility and succeed.

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.