building influence

Asking for a Favor Can be a Powerful Tool

July 19, 2017 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

Do you hesitate to ask for a favor when you know you already need a bigger one from that same person?

You’d be surprised that this is indeed the best time to ask!

And it’s especially helpful as you seek to influence that person toward a larger, more important goal.

Does that feel counter-intuitive? Many say it does.

Yet, Benjamin Franklin proved that when you ask someone for a favor, this person will be actually more predisposed to do another one for you!

To quote Mr. Franklin, “He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.’’

And he proved this by successfully testing out the theory to earn favor among high-ranking members of Philadelphia’s General Assembly.

Specifically, the story is told that while Franklin was running for reappointment as Clerk of the Assembly, a new, influential member ardently argued for a different candidate. Franklin saw this passion and wanted it for his own advocacy, instead.

So when he learned that this new member had a rare book collection, Franklin approached him and asked to borrow one of the most valuable books. The member agreed, Franklin quickly read the book and returned it.

The next time the two gentlemen met, the new member initiated a conversation with Franklin and offered his help on anything Franklin might need in the future. Guess what Franklin asked of him? You guessed it. And he got it. The new member not only advocated for Franklin, but they developed a influential relationship from there that lasted until the second gentleman’s death.

In social psychology, we now call this the “Ben Franklin Effect.” It’s a powerful tool to develop supportive relationships and to curry influence.

In the workforce, we see the Ben Franklin Effect work successfully in many situations.

First, if you are seeking a position, asking for an informational interview to learn more about the field, asking questions about trends in the industry, or seeking other advice usually results in the other person wanting to help you find a job.

In sales, you may want to ask the potential client about where they think the market is headed, or what product benefits they find most powerful or valuable.

And certainly, Frank could have used this with John (see the first article of this series where Frank blows the entire multi-million dollar deal with John because of his poor approach – click here).

With whom do you need more influence at this time? What favor can you ask of them in order to develop a closer, more fruitful relationship that can serve you both in future?

What impact are you having in life and business?
Click below to take the complimentary Impact Assessment.

http://inspireinfluenceimpactquiz.com/

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Influence as a Full Contact Sport

July 12, 2017 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

Do you remember making a giant cannonball in the deep end of the pool? That hot sun hitting your face as you ran fast to leap into the air as high as you could?

And that beautiful reward! That magic moment when you, as a human cannonball, hit that icy water to make that huge and glorious splash!

Ahhh….

That’s what I call “full contact”! Just like soccer or basketball, cannonballs require that you use your mind, spirit, and body to make big things happen.

What in the world do cannonballs and “full contact” sports have to do with increasing your influence?

Influence is also a full-contact sport.

Influence is not achieved by just relating well or being popular. And it isn’t accomplished if you only use the right words or focus on making your case the “right one.”

We previously talked about the importance of first making an emotional connection with others as you seek to influence. (If you missed it, click here).

As you make your emotional connection, you want to be “full on,” using your body as part of making your case. This means using appropriate body and eye contact.

Let’s talk eye contact, first.

Here are some types of eye contact “blunderers” who defeat their own case before they present it:

The Wanderer, or, “I am looking for my point somewhere in the room.” You’ve probably encountered someone like this. While talking, their eyes and head travel around the room as though looking for an answer of some kind, or as though they are trying to locate the point they actually want to make with you. Distracting! And it says, “I am not sure about what I am presenting, here.”
The Mad Hatter, or, “I’m late and preoccupied with everything but you.” This doesn’t need much explanation. I once had a boss that fiddled with his texts, looked at his computer screen, and answered the phone – all while talking to me. Message? “I’m not with you – and I’m not with anyone else. Just keep talking and I’ll keep ignoring you.” Ineffective, to say the least, and “rude” is the word that really comes to mind.
The Auger, or, “I may become a hypnotist in my next chapter.” This person seems to want to see through your head, when in fact, they have probably just read an article that tells them to maintain eye contact. Maintaining eye contact is not obsessively staring into someone’s eyes.
The Obsessed, or, “That imaginary spot on your shirt is fascinating.” I have been present when some people have said to others, “Hey, my eyes are up here!” Staring at something on a person’s head, shirt, or anywhere else besides their eyes is disconcerting.
The Selfie Artist, or, “I love to hear myself talking.” Here, the person is staring off into space while dominating the conversation. It’s as if she loves to hear the sound of her own voice and doesn’t need anyone else in the room. Frustrating – and off-putting.

You can probably think of more ineffective eye contact styles!

Here are some basic rules of thumb for good eye contact, which tells your listener that you are engaged, present, and interested:

Establish eye contact right away.

This sends the message that you are fully present with the other person, and not preoccupied with other things. There’s nothing more counter-productive in a conversation – especially one destined to influence – than looking all around or continually glancing at your phone or watch, which says, “I really don’t want to be here.”

Hold eye contact for 4-5 seconds at a time while conversing.

Riveting your eyes on the other person, no matter what is happening, can look and feel artificial and uncomfortable. You can break a “stare” by occasionally looking down or over from your conversation partner and then resume eye contact.

Soften a potential stare.

Feel strange looking straight into the other person’s eyes? Try this trick: look at the outer edge of one of your conversation partner’s eye’s iris. This can help you to be more at ease and will still have the appearance of direct eye contact without staring.

And now, a word about the rest of the body language!

Here’s a very brief checklist for success:

Is your body turned toward and leaning in slightly toward the other person? This says, “I’m interested and engaged.”
Are your arms open and hands uncurled (as opposed to crossed arms and tightened fists!)?
Standing? Stand with feet aligned under shoulders.
Sitting? Feet on the floor, and not tucked under your chair. Hands and forearms loosely apart on the table in front of you, or if no table, hands lightly resting on the armrests or just above your knees.
Head and eyes to the horizon! A downward-cast head angle says, “I’m not confident or sure.” An upward-swing of the head that shows the underside of your chin says, “I’m hot stuff – and I’m not sure you are!”

Again, there are more refinements for best body language, but the 5 points above should get you headed in the right direction.

In sum, if you want to have more influence with others, tell them at every interaction that you are eager, interested, and engaged with them as human beings. Make this genuine, and make it a practice – it will pay off!

In our next “chapterette” about how to gain more influence, we will be talking about asking for favors. This may seem counter-intuitive, but asking for a favor can actually predispose others to want to help you more.

Stay tuned!

What impact are you having in life and business?
Click below to take the complimentary Impact Assessment.

http://inspireinfluenceimpactquiz.com/

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Building Influence – Making Emotional Connections

July 5, 2017 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

Have you ever been in a situation where you wish you had greater persuasive powers?

A situation on a flight reminded me about some of the critical steps we need to take to enjoy more influence with others.

I took an early plane to the Northwest to spend time with family on the Puget Sound. Looking forward to a quiet flight, I encountered, instead, two co-workers across the aisle who were in a heated exchange.

One gentleman, Frank, was insistent that the other “take a look at the numbers – the numbers speak for themselves!” But this was not having the desired effect on his seatmate, who sounded frazzled.

“How do I get through to you, John?” Frank finally blurted out. “It’s like talking to a brick wall!”

Have you ever felt like you were talking to a brick wall?

How do you begin to get through?

As it happens, Frank didn’t have a chance.

In fact, John turned to him and said, “Your conversation is wearing me out, Frank. I can’t listen anymore. End of story.”

I wish I could have taken Frank aside, and said this:

Frank, here’s where you could have turned this around.

You should have made an emotional connection with John to tip the scales.

Get the dopamine flowing.

Making an emotional connection is the conduit of “warm and fuzzy.” This helps people feel good and predisposed to listening, to being open to more conversation.

Instead, Frank began his conversation with, “John, I need to get you on board with this new strategy. What’s it going to take?” Diving into a selfish stance of “I need…from you” staged the failure.

Frank could have paved the way to a successful conversation by something like, “John, how was your weekend? Do anything special with the family?” or, “John, what project are you working on right now that is especially rewarding?”

When you connect in this way, it stimulates the pleasure-reward area of the brain – the “feel good” area. You are showing people you care about them in a genuine and personal way.

When you do this, people feel you are interested, and they feel heard as you listen. They tend to want to reciprocate, and will ask you some personal things, as well. This sets the stage as common ground.

It changes the other person’s attitude from one of “what do you want from me,” to “what are we looking at together?”

If you want to influence people, you need to make and strengthen that emotional connection, not only throughout the conversation, but in your relationship in general.

With whom do you have an important relationship that needs more emotional connection?

What impact are you having in life and business?
Click below to take the complimentary Impact Assessment.

http://inspireinfluenceimpactquiz.com/

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Are You Sure You Want to Be a Leader?

June 28, 2017 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

3 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Commit

What do you need in order to become a leader? And are you sure you really want to be one?

If you are reading this, I imagine you’ve already weighed the pros and cons, and the argument for at least considering the possibility has won.

As an executive coach, I work with decision-makers who lead. These people quite often have substantial areas of responsibility, and they work with me to become even more effective as they seek to do great things.

As we begin our work, I explain to my clients that our work will be 3-pronged. In other words, there are three things we need work with in order to accomplish their goals. You see, the human being is an intricate system, and the major parts of this system must work together closely to accomplish any significant change.

So, if you and I were having coffee together right now, and you told me that your goal was to become a leader, or a more effective one, I would tell you that we are going to assess the following three parts of you to identify what you need to shift in order to get there:

Your mindset
Your actions
Your behaviors

Allow me to set the stage by giving an definition of these three, even though they appear self-explanatory (thanks for indulging me!).

Mindset is not how your physical brain works – it’s how you use your brain to formulate thoughts, synthesize information, define your beliefs, your attitude, and thus, your approach to the world. Mindset drives your desires, your motivation, and your picture of “what’s possible.”

Example: Sonni has managed people for many years, and she believes she can lead the company. She desires to do so, and decides to take the steps necessary to move up this career path. She has weighed her desire against her safety and decided that she won’t get fired or other disastrous consequences. So far, so good. Sonni has asked herself, “What’s possible?”

Actions are those movements, that energetic activity you undertake, once decide to “do something.” These are driven by your desires and your motivation. Your actions are confined to what you believe is possible, what is comfortable, and what is safe (thus dictated by mindset). Even if your mindset says that something is possible, your behaviors may thwart the success of your actions.

Example: Back to Sonni…because of her desire to move up into leadership, she decides to take the action of asking her CEO to be considered for the leadership succession plan. It has taken a lot of courage to get to this point, but her mindset has opened the gate for her to ask. So far, so good. Sonni has taken the action she needs in order to register her desire and be considered.

Behaviors are how you react to internal or external stimuli in various circumstances. These behaviors are exhibited after your mind assesses your desires versus your safety. Safety always wins.

Example: Sonni’s CEO tells her she has a lot of work to do if she wants to be considered for the leadership succession plan. Frankly, her CEO shares, Sonni isn’t seen as CEO material and this comment comes as a surprise. The CEO explains that Sonni doesn’t show the kinds of behaviors needed for leadership – collaboration, building trust, strong presence, influence. And a few other things. Sonni retreats to her desk. She now has a choice – to tell herself she really doesn’t have what it takes (that dastardly doubt that mindset brings when negative emotions threaten its safety) – or to ask herself “What’s possible?” while remaining safe, to shift the necessary behaviors in order to be considered for higher leadership in the company’s succession planning.

Now back to you, and those three questions to ask yourself before you commit.

Does your mindset need to explore what else is possible, or to strengthen belief in your own abilities and potential?
Do your actions tell the world that you are actually showing up as a leader?
Do your behaviors reflect who you want to become?

Which of these three areas do you need to shift in order to become a leader – or a better one?

What impact are you having in life and business?
Click below to take the complimentary Impact Assessment.

http://inspireinfluenceimpactquiz.com/

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Coaching Your New Manager

June 21, 2017 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

5 Paradigm Shifts to Help Them Win

Onboarding and training a first-time manager requires time, money, and energy. Some of you have sent your new hire to “first-time manager training” or boot camps, and others have thrown this budding talent into the deep end, figuring they are smart enough to swim.

But what happens when the initial onboarding and training have taken place? Now it is up to you. You as leader must help them to step into management-level thinking and execution so that they can begin to excel in the job to which you have promoted them.

Why should you do this? You hired this person because of their talent, and you simply need them to apply it in this new job. But the skills that helped them excel in their former role are not what will make them successful now.

Managing people and an area of responsibility is much different than simply performing one’s own work.

So stakes are high. And if you ignore this, it will cost you 6-9 months of the new first-time manager’s salary to replace him or her.

How do you help your first-time manager succeed quickly?

How do you show the company that you have a reputation for selecting great talent and that you are not simply adding to the budget burden?

Some leaders ignore the period after the “hire honeymoon,” moving on to other priorities. They are happy they have this new talent to help out in the department – to lift and shift some responsibilities so that the team operates at greater levels. A leader that does this has hopefully clarified the new role with their new hire, and they have even given the first-time manager a set of goals to meet.

Such a leader figures that if there is a problem in the future, the new manager should either figure it out, or seek advice.

This is short-sighted.

Not only do 60% of new managers fail in the first 12-18 months, most of the time it is not their fault. It is due, most times, to a lack of clarity, direction, resources, and coaching to help them develop management skills. And that’s something over which you have control.

Yes, after the “honeymoon period” of onboarding and initial training is over, it’s time for you to start coaching the first-time manager.

Where do you start?

You can actually help this new hire to speed-dial their management-level thinking to help them make the shift from a narrow, task-oriented world to a broader one of overseeing an area of responsibility and managing people.

You see, thinking governs the way we make decisions and take actions. It dictates the way we see our external world and how we will then approach it. And moving from being responsible for a set of assigned tasks and projects to supporting a team and holding these team members accountable for doing the same is very different!

So how do you help them begin to develop management-level thinking? You can begin by helping them shift some common, self-limiting language patterns to supportive new ones.

Here are the top 5 negative language patterns heard just this week, and how you can gently correct them.

1. From “We can’t because…” to “How can we…?”

A first-time manager cannot necessarily see a larger picture because they have operated within their own former role’s confines and have not been exposed to more. Encourage them to think about possibilities. Ask them the following: “If we could do that thing you are talking about, what are 2-3 ways we might handle it?” Encourage your new hire to be curious by asking how something might be possible, instead of prematurely pronouncing quick judgment.

2. From “I have a problem – what should I do?” to “I’ve identified a problem and have a couple of suggestions as to what we might do…”

A first-time hire wants to look competent by avoiding making mistakes, so they may run to you for answers when they should be thinking about possible solutions, first. Tell your new hire that as a human, they are sure to make mistakes – that everyone does. Tell them it’s more important to you that they begin to bring possible solutions to you so that the two of you can think through best strategy. This relieves you of having to think for two people, and develops their critical thinking and problem-solving skills.

3. From “They’re just that way…” to “This is what I’d like to see…”

Teach your first-time manager to fight bias where other employees are concerned. Instead of allowing them to vilify the employee under discussion, ask your new hire to describe the desired behavior or action they would like to see, instead. Then talk about how they might hold the employee accountable for that. By doing this, you are coaching your first-time manager to take a coaching approach, as well.

4. From “I know I don’t know much, but…” to “One way to approach this is if we…”

In an effort to remain humble or not to appear arrogant or smug, your first-time manager may self-deprecate when offering an opinion. Self-deprecating language is undermining and can actually appear as false modesty. Encourage your new hire to drop all apologetic language and to offer opinions as possibilities. “One way to approach this is if we explore XYZ – what do you think?” is a safe means of offering an opinion while your first-time hire is developing confidence.

5. From “I” to “We.”

This is perhaps one of the most important shifts your first-time manager will need to make. Instead of seeking affirmation for their individual efforts, they need to begin seeing success as a collective effort and acknowledging the team. This point is so important that you may want to have a dedicated conversation around it. Share your own experience. Did you once fall on your face when in that same new position, by trying to “show your stuff with “I” language?” Tell them. Let them know that we all have to learn this at one point – it’s part of growth.

When you coach your first-time manager into management-level thinking, eliminating self-limiting language patterns will help them to replace self-imposed limitations and to model a forward-thinking approach for the entire team.

By the way, if you take these tips and put them to work, not only are you coaching management-level thinking, but you are also helping your first-time manager to reshape their entire approach to work and life. Coaching someone to widen their perspectives and to develop the ability to vision beyond the present is a great gift.

Have you ever had a first-time manager that exhibited defeating language? What would you have liked to hear, instead?

What impact are you having in life and business?
Click below to take the complimentary Impact Assessment.

http://inspireinfluenceimpactquiz.com/

Patti Cotton helps executives optimize their effectiveness in leading self, others, and the enterprise. Her areas of focus include confidence, leadership style, executive presence, effective communication, succession planning, and masterful execution. With over 25 years of leadership experience, both stateside and abroad, Patti works with individuals, teams, and organizations across industries, providing executive coaching, leadership development, succession planning, change, and conflict management. She is also a Fortune 500 speaker. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.