Patti Cotton

Executive Coach & Career Strategist

Influence

How High Is Your Connectivity Quotient?

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Your ability to influence and impact others requires that you build bonds and trust. To do this, you must be able to connect genuinely – and well.

How can you increase your connectivity in a world of urgency and speed?

This actually is a matter of life and death, if we are to extrapolate from MIT professor and researcher Sherry Turkle, who wrote the book Reclaiming Conversations. Turkle reveals that because of the increasing decline of empathy among the younger generations, we are now witnessing depression, anxiety, and stress climbing quickly. In fact, Turkle observes that we are seeing the most severe depression in teenagers today that we have ever noted in the entire written history of psychology.

The business world suffers from a lack of connection, as well.

In my leadership and culture work, one of my most sought-after management trainings is “Leading from the Heart,” where people learn how to reconnect and flex their empathy to create a more positive and productive work experience. I cannot tell you how many participants continue to stress that this learning has changed their world at work.

People are hungry for connection.

Superficial Connectedness

Turkle cites “superficial connectedness” as a chief culprit. This interferes with deeper, more meaningful exchanges and opportunities to reflect upon and synthesize information for greater critical thinking.

A chief factor is technology.

It facilitates an influx of information that increases daily, and it enables us to communicate at warp speed. This gift is often misused, and the sheer magnitude of incoming can create an imposed need to respond just as quickly.

There are other factors that impel us to respond to the tyranny of the urgent.

Jeff Bezos is quoted to have said, “Go fast and break things!”

Words and phrases like velocity and warp speed are touted as prized – and indeed, the global marketplace shifts constantly as the earth rotates.

However, must this become the new culture?

Because when it comes to connection, speed can be dangerous.

As speed pushes us forward, our personal resources to slow down and connect with others diminish. Along with this, empathy begins to wither.

How can you begin to make your way back to making meaningful connections in a business world that assuredly continues to gain speed?

Here are three ways that will help you get back on track to make connecting an intentional and rewarding experience:

  1. Place boundaries around your technology use.

A study by global tech protection and support company Asurion reveals that the average person struggles to move beyond 10 minutes without checking their phone. In fact, this study reveals that Americans check their phone on average once every 12 minutes, burying their faces in their phones 80 times a day.

Get creative with how you minimize your technology when you are meeting to connect with others.

    • Place the phone on “airplane mode.”

If this idea makes you cringe, begin by giving your phone to your assistant and alerting him or her to let you know if certain urgent calls come in.

    • Turn your computer’s e-mail alerts off.

Studies show that each distraction makes you lose 20 minutes of focus – in other words, it will take you a full 20 minutes to get your head back into concentrating on what you were doing prior to the distraction.

    • Have an inviting seating area in your office or meeting place with no tech devices such as computers or iPads.

Better yet, ask if you can walk outside together as you talk. This is not only invigorating, but it removes all office distractions and allows for deeper conversations. Old-fashioned. Retro. Connective.

  1. Flex your empathy by reviving your deep listening skills.

Are you truly listening to connect, or are you just waiting for a pause so that you can jump in?

Check yourself to make sure you are giving full focus to the other person. Ask questions – and ask the “follow-up question” to go deeper. Listen to learn and not to fix. Ask to understand and not to get to the bottom of things. Observe to widen your perspective, and not to make a quick judgment.

  1. Invest in your connections.

In such a fast-paced world, your circles of influence are probably bursting. Identify the handful that you feel you need to play an active and meaningful part in your world, and plan connection with them. That’s breakfast, coffee, golf, or some face-to-face activity that gives you time to have different and more rewarding conversations.

Technology and the speed of change are here for good. Let’s make sure our ability to make and sustain meaningful connections rises to meet them.

HOW MUCH

DO OTHERS REALLY TRUST YOU?

​Learn the two vital parts to trust and how they can help you become a more highly effective leader.

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© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Building Your Emotional Intelligence with the Follow-up Question

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Building Your Emotional Intelligence with the Follow-up Question
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Like any other key decision-maker, your responsibilities require that you make hundreds of decisions daily. This means you have developed a quick and effective way of getting to the bottom of things (for a quick review on how to make better decisions, read “When Stakes Are High: How to Make Better Decisions”).

There are two reasons, however, that we ask questions – learning (information exchange) and liking (impression management). And overlooking the follow-up question may mean we miss capitalizing on both – and thus lose out on some important emotional intelligence skill-building.

What does emotional intelligence have to do with the follow-up question? And how do you harness the power of this?

Many important tenets of emotional intelligence have to do with relationship management – both with people and with the organization. Some examples of these skills are: empathy, perspective taking, catalyzing change, building bonds and trust, and creating and strengthening team.

If you make time to ask follow-up questions in your conversations and discussions, you strengthen these skills:

1. You gather additional information, fostering your ability to “see” a bigger picture, and the opportunity to widen the scope of your thinking through diverse perspectives; and

2. You demonstrate a willingness to listen to the other person in the conversation, showing active interest in connecting, with the intent to foster open dialogue and to consider new perspectives.

So, what is a powerful follow-up question?

First, the term follow-up is just what it implies – it’s a question that comes after another question.

Second, there are follow-up questions – and follow-up questions. By this, I mean that some are simply a means to an end, and others are door-openers. And it’s the door-openers that are powerful.

What are the traits of powerful follow-up questions?

1. Open-ended. Make sure your question is not a disguised opinion or judgment. For example, if your question starts out with the phrase, “Don’t you think that..,” please refrain. Otherwise, you will have cut off creative conversation and the opportunity to appreciate and acknowledge the perspectives of others.

2. Begin with the word “what” or “how,” rather than “why.” The word “why” is associated with giving an answer to defend one’s position (e.g., “Why did you do that?” “Why did this happen?”). Instead, begin with something like, “Tell me more,” “What’s behind that?” or “How might that work?” This supports open dialogue.

3. Be genuine with the intent to listen and learn. Don’t ask questions unless you are ready to do so – people can spot inauthenticity a mile away, and your efforts will backfire. Part of vibrant leadership is being willing to stretch and grow.

The next time you are brainstorming with others, take the time to ask that second “follow-up” question at various points of your discussion. You’ll reap the benefits of more information, greater participation by others, and connections at a deeper level that foster strong relationships and team.

(Gratitude to Alison Wood Brooks and Leslie K. John for the inspiration of their article, “The Surprising Power of Questions,” Harvard Business Review, May-June 2018 issue.)

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Why We Don’t Have That Critical Conversation

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Why We Don’t Have That Critical Conversation
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When was the last time that you looked forward to having a difficult conversation?

Most of us run from confrontation. Consequently, we carry the weight from unresolved conflict and sub-par relationships.

What keeps us from having more emotional courage to confront?

There are 3 top reasons why:

1. You don’t feel safe.

You may feel that the difficult conversation you need to have will place you in a vulnerable position. For example, the person you may need to confront is your boss.

If that person has a history of questioning the motives of the message-bearer and judging them, rather than to focus on the issue and solve it proactively, this will feel unsafe. You will worry about negative repercussions such as branding you, and this will cause you to hesitate clearing the air.

If this is your situation, you will want to weigh the pros and cons of addressing the issue to come to some sort of resolve. If you do not, you will carry the burden of stress and discomfort from an unresolved situation or relationship, which hurts not only you, but all others involved and those around you.

2. You fear loss.

You may feel that by confronting, you will risk being rejected or unloved. If you identify with this, you may have an element of “people pleaser” in you, which requires some work.

People-pleasing weakens the effectiveness of leadership and threatens the integrity of your decision-making.

A first step in realigning this is to change the expectations you hold for yourself. Fact: You cannot please everyone – but you can certainly earn and hold their respect.

As you consider having a difficult conversation, ask yourself what you fear happening most. More likely than not, you will recognize that your base fear is not rational. The chances are slim that the whole world will turn their back on your leadership if you make an unpopular decision.

Ask yourself what positive things you can gain by having the conversation, and identify how this will positively affect your work, life, and others affected by the current negative state – a great start to lifting up emotional courage.

3. You aren’t comfortable with negative emotions.

Human beings don’t like discomfort, and most of us have not been taught the value of negative emotions.

They therefore make us mentally and physically uncomfortable and we seek to avoid them. Instead of this, consider managing them.

Negative emotions are really key indicators that invite you to pay more attention to the situations that have created them. Use these smart and helpful alerts to decipher what about the situation or problem is upsetting. This will help you to widen your lens as you consider solutions.

Where, within these three areas, do you need to strengthen your emotional courage so that you can become more effective in your leadership?

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© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Five Best Tips to Instantly Increase Productivity

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Five Best Tips to Instantly Increase Productivity
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Are you ready to feel more productive and organized? There are so many books and systems out there that it’s hard to know where to start.

Let me share five top tips that my clients say have eliminated a feeling of stress and overwhelm, changed their ability to focus, and increased their ability to get things done:

1. Insert blocks of work time into your calendar.

Even the most powerful executives report stress due to a lack of time to work on major projects and initiatives. Invariably, when I review their physical calendar with them, time to work on these is not reserved.

If you are in charge of much, but you aren’t reserving the time to work on the most essential, you are setting yourself up for chronic stress and overwhelm. The problem is that most leaders assume this simply comes with the territory. It doesn’t.

Try the following experiment: Block off a two-hour timeframe each workday, preferably mornings. This is reserved for working on the most essential.

2. Schedule a maximum of two to three times daily to respond to e-mails.

Some of you are cringing right now – you know who you are!

When you aren’t responding to these e-mails, please turn off your alerts (and yes, that includes your mobile devices). You will instantly heighten your ability to focus and remain on task. This is the habit that most of my executives ignore. When they finally experiment with it, they are astounded at the difference it makes.

3. Start with the most challenging projects first.

Human beings usually have the habit of beginning with the easiest and most mundane tasks first. The challenge is that these tasks seem never-ending – and time seems to run out before you can turn to the most important priorities. Use the time blocks in #1 above wisely – tackle the big ones, first. You will develop a sense of accomplishment and avoid the stress that accompanies procrastination.

4. Schedule project timelines into your calendar.

It is likely that you have already developed a timeline with deadlines for each of your major projects so that you are working at your smartest. Once you have done this, transfer these deadlines into your calendar. It’s a quick and easy way to remind yourself so that you stay on target.

5. Show up fully organized for your day.

Develop the simple habit of taking time at the end of your day to look ahead. What do you need to accomplish tomorrow? If yours is a running list, prioritize it.

Begin by dividing it into “urgent-essential;” “urgent-non-essential;” non-urgent and essential,” and “non-urgent and non-essential” (Note: If you actually have things listed in that last category, we need to talk!).

Then select the top three items which will be your focus for the time blocks in your calendar. (Note #2: If you have a list of more than 6-8 projects or initiatives listed in your “urgent-essential” category, it’s time to reassess for potential delegation).

Most productivity challenges at the senior levels come from a lack of self-organization. These five tips, when integrated into your way of working, should yield great results. I look forward to hearing how these tips worked for you.

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© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

When Your Feedback Doesn’t Work

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When Your Feedback Doesn’t Work
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Feedback is crucial.

It is necessary for aligning expectations, solving problems, improving performance, and developing talent – all the things that increase the bottom line.

But often, feedback doesn’t work.

In fact, more than half of your managers may not be having the difficult conversations needed to hold people accountable.

What’s the problem?

A survey of 750 HR professionals by Sibson Consulting and World at Work revealed that 63% of executives believe that the biggest challenge of performance management is managers’ unwillingness to have difficult conversations.

And this may be because when managers do deliver feedback, it is poorly received.

According to a study by Globoforce (2011), even when managers tackle these conversations with the best of intentions, employees are often left feeling resentful or discouraged – 55% of employees believe their review is inaccurate or unfair, and one in four say it is the thing they dread most in their working lives.

I work with companies to develop leadership and align culture. If a particular company’s management is struggling to hold its people accountable, I find it is usually due to poor feedback delivery and follow-through.

Here are five top reasons likely to keep a manager’s feedback from working:

1. The feedback isn’t timely.

I hear more dismay and resentment from employees who have just received their yearly evaluation. They cite being surprised and hurt at hearing for the first time a dissatisfaction with their performance dating back 12 months.

“Why did he wait so long to tell me?” asked one employee. “I feel like I’ve been judged for a year on something I could have fixed long ago.”

Another said, “I rectified that situation 10 months ago – why am I getting cited for it as though it’s still a problem?”

The answer to this is timely feedback. Teach your managers to address problem behavior quickly so that the employee in question can benefit most. Not only will the situation be fresh in their minds, they can also get on track to course-correcting much sooner. And instead of writing this up 12 months later as a problem, your manager can talk about the employee’s improved behavior.

2. The feedback doesn’t seem clear or relevant.

When addressing problem behavior, your manager needs to remember to:

a. Be specific about the behavior. It is not enough to say, “You need to stop acting like a drill sergeant,” which is a judgment and open to many interpretations. Instead, the manager must point out specifics about the person’s presence that require change. To use the drill sergeant illustration, is it language? Tone of voice? The closed or intimidating body language using folded arms, leaning into someone’s face, etc.?

b. Relate how the behavior has a negative business impact. Your manager needs to coach his employee – not just course-correct. Part of this is to relate the problem behavior to a negative impact on the business so that the employee can understand cause and effect.

For example, “When you use that harsh tone of voice, it can feel intimidating or offensive to others, which causes them to refrain from collaborating with you. If we don’t have a team that can work well together, we won’t be able to produce the results we need in order to support the business.”

3. The feedback doesn’t offer a clear picture of the desired behavior that should replace the current problem behavior.

Sometimes, employees just don’t want to change. But the more likely scenario is that they want to do well, but they simply don’t know how. Just because your manager has identified the problem behavior doesn’t mean the employee knows how to replace this with one that is acceptable.

Be sure your manager describes in detail the new behavior they want to see. For example, if an employee has been conveying disapproval or aloofness in meetings with body language, the manager should give a very specific behavioral alternative. For example, give details such as, “Instead of crossing your arms and leaning back during meetings, try leaning forward just a bit (which connotes interest), and keep your arms at your side. This will eliminate the appearance that you don’t care or that you disapprove of the message you are currently hearing.”

4. The employee doesn’t trust the person delivering the feedback.

This is a tough one. If your manager is perceived as not having the best interests of his employee in mind, the latter will not receive the feedback well, due to a lack of trust. If your manager has effectuated steps 1-3 above and is still not getting anywhere, it’s time for the manager to check in with a different question, such as, “Sandra, you and I have talked about your tendency to overlook deadlines, and you have pledged to correct this. Yet, the problem persists. Help me to understand what’s happening. Can you shed more light on this?”

This approach should reveal whether there is something else behind the lack of change, such as a basic resentment and feeling of unfairness on the part of the employee, or another problem of which the manager was unaware.

5. The employee’s identity is at stake.

It can happen that feedback simply doesn’t register because it threatens the employee’s sense of self.

Hearing feedback that doesn’t register with that sense of self can cause an employee to become defensive or feel overwhelmed and unable to respond. The employee may insist on disbelieving the feedback since they cannot “see” their behavior being a problem or having a negative impact.

A standoff will not be productive.

Instead, consider having your manager engage the employee in a series of small experiments as a way to coach the latter into more awareness and better management of self.

For example, if Max frequently ignores his fellow employees in the workplace, your manager can help him with a small, but focused goal to connect with each of them once daily. Have the manager ask Max to observe how his fellow employees react to him over the next few weeks and report back. Most likely, Max’s coworkers will begin to warm up to him and include him in more conversations. Debriefing with the manager will begin to help Max develop more awareness around how his lack of connectivity has adversely affected his work relationships – and a way to turn this around.

Teaching your managers the gift of honest and productive feedback is manifold. Far beyond outlining standards, it can provide your employees with a growth path that benefits them, their team, and your organization. Take charge of this process by modeling this with your executive team so that you can begin to integrate true accountability into your culture.

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.