When Your Values Collide

 

It’s going to happen sooner or later.  Even though you are thoughtful about your values and look to live them with integrity, two or more values will most certainly collide.

Why does this happen? There are a couple of reasons.

1. Values can conflict when roles and outside demands clash

A client I will call Nanette once engaged me to help her fast-track to senior leadership in her firm.

“I want that vice-presidential role. I’ve worked hard to position myself, and I deserve the recognition. Besides, that salary increase will enable me to do all the things that the kids and I have been dreaming about.”

After working with Nanette on defining her top values, however, I asked her to share how we might approach two that conflicted.

“Nanette, your top values include family time and professional achievement – both of which are important to you. You have shared that the senior executive role will demand even more hours of work from you. How do you see this reconciling with your desire to have ample family time?”

Nanette’s career and self-growth values were clashing with her values as a parent.

“Having multiple roles in life (as we all do!) means that there are many demands on us. These demands may not always mesh. It doesn’t mean you forsake one goal for another – it simply means we have some work to do to see how we navigate this desire for promotion so that it doesn’t eclipse your desire for family time.”

“I’m relieved,” said Nanette.  “I thought for a moment that I would need to give up one or the other.”

She’s not alone.  Many abandon their goals and dreams, falsely thinking they have to choose between two paths – when in fact, it may be a question of becoming creative and carving out a situation that responds to both priorities.

2. The second reason values can collide is when other people may want you to go in a direction that conflicts with your values.

You may cherish your vacation time, and you love spending it with family in the out-of-doors. Your yearly family trip has always been that prized trek to Yosemite National Forest, and this next time cannot come soon enough for you. You have purchased a new camera for nature shots, and have already mapped out some hiking trails.

However, your teenagers have just informed you that they are tired of Yosemite, and that this year, they would like for the family to go to Disneyland and stay in one of the resort hotels. Further, they would each like to bring a friend, meaning less family and more “crowd.”

How do you choose?

Flexibility is key in both cases – Nanette’s and the Yosemite trip. Understanding that circumstances change with time, and that it is important to learn how to flex because of this, here are a couple of options to resolve the conflict.

First, you may order or re-order your values according to the relative importance of the conflicting values.

For example, how important is an out-of-doors vacation to you this year, compared to spending time with the kids?

Another way to deal with such a values collision is that you may decide to play a balancing act.

Nanette chose to apply for the promotion, and she received it. However, she also worked out an agreement with her company to work one day from home, and to take the kids out to lunch once weekly to have extra family time. She also engaged a housekeeper so her home workload was lighter. This allowed her to be more present for her kids when they were together at home.

“I know that circumstances will change over time, and I will need to make more shifts as this occurs,” says Nanette.  “However, knowing this is not a static situation also helps me to more easily play a balancing act, knowing that both of these things – family and career – are important to me.”

What values seem to be colliding for you at this time? How can you prioritize what matters most without feeling as though you are forfeiting what is important to you?