Patti Cotton

Executive Coach & Career Strategist

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Identity Mind Trap #1: When Your Manager Always Needs to Be Right

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Identity Mind Trap #1: When Your Manager Always Needs to Be Right
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Do you have a manager who suffers from “rightness”? One who, when he believes he is right, stops listening and ignores data that might prove him wrong?

Identify the Issue

Nick was such a manager and his “rightness” was keeping his team from making critical decisions.

Here’s what happened – and how we helped him move past this crippling behavior.

When the CFO called, she had reached her wit’s end. “I can’t have one more conversation with him,” she said. “Whether he offers an opinion, or he responds to feedback, Nick always has a quick answer. And his way is always right. There’s no room for a different perspective or the chance that he might not have considered everything. If someone shares evidence that there is something else to consider, he won’t listen.”

“Nick is a victim of his own identity,” I responded. “His ego demands that he be seen as an expert. And if something doesn’t feel right to him, he will refuse to consider it. You are probably losing a lot of valuable time and forward motion just because of this. What does Nick bring to the executive team that prompted you to call me?”

“We need Nick,” the CFO responded. “He is extremely talented and fills a particular niche that would be hard to fill right now. Can you help?”

Accept the Challenge

Nick and I were introduced, and of course, as a self-proclaimed expert, he was convinced he did not need coaching.

“I’m not sure why you are here,” he said to me. “I’ve taken leadership bootcamps and read a lot of leadership books,” he said.

“Nick, even the best leaders have a coach. As human beings, we are capable of continuous development throughout our entire lives,” I countered. “And it appears that there is something that is holding you back from that next level of development. Let’s talk.”

It was difficult to share. Someone who is always right cannot easily see how he might benefit from growth.

However, after I shared feedback from the executive team and gave examples from some of his decisions that had gone awry, he had to admit there might be something there. It was then that we decided on a development plan.

Focus on Growth

Over the next few months, Nick, and I met on a regular basis. We first focused on understanding how one’s identity is formed and how it might get in the way of growth, and then experimented with developing a taste for considering new perspectives to expand and enlarge thinking and decision-making. He asked for feedback from colleagues and exercised restraint as he considered their opinions. The deeper work was helping him to reshape his identity to become a learner in the world. He was up to the challenge.

Rebuild Trust

Additionally, we had some damage repair to do – Nick had alienated everyone on the executive team, and it was a process for him to learn how to re-enter and build trust. This paid off.

Enjoy New Levels of Success

I’m pleased that working with Nick resulted in success for him and the team. The CFO called just recently, and shares that he is being considered for promotion.

“He has become one of our most trusted assets,” she said. “I’m excited for his future – and for ours.”

Do you have someone on your team who has found him or herself in an ego trap such as “rightness”? How has it affected the rest of your team? And how would your company be able to move forward if this was resolved?

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Can You Be Angry and Still Lead Well?

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Can You Be Angry and Still Lead Well?
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Can you lead well when you feel angry?

A corporate executive described himself as “useless” when he experienced upset.

When he felt angry, he found it difficult to make simple decisions and get regular work done.

Both his team and his family agreed that something needed to change.

The leader’s inability to manage his anger crippled his business, as decision-making and execution are critical to outcomes.

“How do you deal with anger and still lead well?”

That’s the question he asked when he first called for help.

“I’m in the middle of an expansion, Patti. Operating at my best is critical. How do I work around this thing?”

I responded, “You can’t work around it. In fact, the key idea here is to manage your emotions well. When you learn to do this, your decision-making and your ability to get work done will be much stronger than it ever has been.”

“I’m listening,” he said. “But it doesn’t sit well with me. When I am upset, I shut down. I actually feel numb, and it’s hard to think at all.”

He and I met to continue our conversation. He described himself as steady, even keeled in most all situations, and one who shied away from confrontations.

“I’m really pretty easy to get along with,” he said. “But I admit to having some hot buttons. It really gets me going when people are unreliable or untrustworthy. But that’s pretty normal, right?”

“Absolutely,” I said. “Those are some of my hot buttons, as well. How do you handle it when these things come up?”

“That’s where it gets difficult,” he explained. “I tend to stuff my irritation and ignore the problem. You can guess how that winds up. In fact, I hate to tell on myself, but I’ve allowed some pretty bad behavior on my team. As it worsens, I get angry. And then I just withdraw and shut down. When I’m hot under the collar, I can’t think. And then, with this expansion, I need everyone to just get on board and stop the nonsense. But they don’t. And that makes me angrier. And at a certain point, when my blood pressure can’t take it anymore, I simply numb out.”

“What’s worse is that when I go home, I think I can switch gears and shut the office out of my head. But my wife says this definitely doesn’t work. She says I don’t connect with the family – no conversation, just a low-hum heavy feeling in the air. I told her I was meeting with you to help me deal with this. She says to thank you in advance on behalf of the entire family. I had no idea it was affecting things that much.”

“So, here’s what I’m hearing,” I said. “You’ve just outlined what may be the chief reason for your company’s productivity loss, your executive team’s in-fighting, your lost deadlines holding back expansion – and your family life at home. That’s huge. You need more emotional agility, and you need it quickly.

“Emotional agility is the ability to navigate challenges by managing your inner game – your thoughts, feelings, and emotions.”

He stared at me with his mouth open. “I’ll do just about anything. I am seeing damage all around me from this. How do I turn this around? How do I get more emotional agility so that I can get things back on track?”

Over the next few months, he and I worked together on making friends with anger.

It sounds odd, but it isn’t. Emotions are powerful, and most of us simply don’t know how to harness this power. Emotions are simply a signal that alerts us when something affects us or our experience. Paying attention to these signals can sharpen our critical thinking and our execution.

But creating awareness around the emotions we are feeling and making friends with them as mere signals is just the first step.

The next step is crucial – managing your emotions.

And this step was indeed more challenging. Once he recognized that anger would help alert him to pay attention to something, he then needed to decide how to address the situation that was causing it.

As he and I identified biggest potential wins through managing his anger, confrontation was first. There was a key area within the executive team that had been left to fester.

He had to decide what he would expect of the two execs causing the trouble, to share it with them, and then to stand by this to enforce accountability.

Then, he needed to recognize how to make decisions, even in a “hot state.”

This meant recognizing and validating the emotion so that he could self-regulate (simmer down) and make decisions based on his values and not be driven by emotion.

Over the following months, the business began to respond positively at both individual and team levels, and the culture shift had significant impact on the company’s ability to expand and do it well.

He single-handedly turned the business around by managing his own leadership.

In confronting his own growth area, he created impact throughout the organization.

What one thing in your leadership could make a critical impact to your business or area of responsibility?

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Are You Suffering from Performance Anxiety?

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Are You Suffering from Performance Anxiety?
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If you lead a group of people, you most certainly carry the chronic stress that accompanies this. It’s a privilege and a responsibility to lead, and this can weigh heavy.

How do you stay on an even keel and avoid the burnout that can otherwise sneak up on you with this responsibility?

Let’s look at three common false beliefs that CEOs and other leaders carry, which create undue stress and additional problems.

1. I need to know more than my executive team.

This is naïve and unrealistic. The world is in a constant state of change and complexity. The smart thing to do is for the CEO to surround himself or herself with experts. They should concentrate on sharpening their systems, thinking, and emotional intelligence for influence and impact. Challenges that accompany the rise to the top require such.

2. I need to make all important decisions.

Fully 50% of all decisions executives make are wrong. Various factors play into this, but chief among them is that executives make these decisions without the benefit of brain trust. Know when you must make an executive decision – and when it’s best to include others for various perspectives to challenge best thinking.

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3. I can count on my great performers being great leaders.

Many a CEO has promoted an excellent performer to a leadership position because of his stellar performance, and this has backfired. In fact, the skills and attributes of a great performer are not what will make him a great leader, as leading people requires a different skillset. What the organization is left with is an underperforming leader, which causes problems and more work for those who lead.

If you find as top leader that you are carrying undue chronic stress, chances are that you are not tapping into the full potential of your executive team to take more ownership. Sharing this with them will not only relieve performance anxiety for you, it will also flex the executive team’s ability to stand into greater responsibility and succeed.

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

How to Develop a Culture of Gratitude in the Workplace

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How to Develop a Culture of Gratitude in the Workplace
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Could your workplace benefit from greater morale and engagement?

The answer may be simply to develop a workplace culture of gratitude. This may seem odd to many, since gratitude has long been considered a “soft” practice, but the results are dynamic.

In fact, developing a culture of gratitude helps elevate wellness, engagement, productivity and employee retention. And these things are measurable.

Moreover, gratitude has been called the gateway to developing greater empathy and compassion, which are cornerstones of group emotional intelligence on high-performing teams.

Gratitude is the quality of being thankful.

But it differs from appreciation.

Whereas appreciation is thankfulness for the goodness in our lives, gratitude moves beyond this. It attributes these positive things to forces outside ourselves. For example, noting an accomplishment at work will include recognizing the efforts and contributions of others in making this a success.

Moreover, if gratitude is to become a culture embraced by the organization, it must be systematized so that it is replicable. Where do we begin?

Gratitude starts at the top.

We must start at the top, agreeing at the executive team level to identify and coordinate the practice of gratitude. Then, modeling this, we must also teach them to reports, replicating this throughout so that it cascades throughout the entire workforce.

Where do you begin?

  1. Define key approaches your organization can take to express gratitude.

Begin with “thank you.” How does your organization address recognition? It may have yearly events where people are recognized for years of service, outstanding performance, and other categories.

But what can expressing gratitude in the workplace look like on a more regular basis? Where and how can you say thank you more often? This may take the form of virtual or physical “walls” that provide shout-outs. It may be in the form of a handwritten note or other special gesture. Decide how gratitude looks at the individual, team, and organizational levels.

  1. Assess for gaps and growth opportunities at the individual, team, and organizational levels.

As you design your organizational gratitude practice, make sure you examine how these thread through from the individual to team, and from team to organization, so that the practice cascades throughout. For example, does your organization preach work-life balance, but quietly expect that people will work 80 hours weekly? This requires not only conversations but reexamining the organizational model to see how to restructure and grow the resources needed for its employees to enjoy balance.

  1. Identify the behaviors that support these approaches.

Many times, change management practices fail only because the organization has defined categories of improvement, but it has not identified the supporting behaviors that support each category.

For example, if a category within your defined gratitude practice is “recognize a job well done,” what are the behaviors associated with this? How will we know this recognition is occurring?

An example might be, “timely acknowledgment through personal call or thank you note.” Be sure to address the whole person as you define behaviors to be recognized. Focusing solely on top performers omits all those supporting the process who contribute greatness through character, such as going the extra mile, exhibiting great compassion, and other traits. And these are the heart of the organization – the very stuff that keeps it going.

  1. Model these behaviors to begin establishing the culture.

As chief executive, how are you expressing gratitude for others in the workplace? Facets of your expression should include being sincere, specific, and humble. As an insincere acknowledgment erodes trust, so does a sincere expression build it.

Beyond this, a simple “thank you” is not enough without saying why you are thankful. Give specifics as to how someone else’s behaviors or actions resulted in a positive outcome or tenor. And third, be humble and keep this about the other person. It is always disappointing to hear of an acknowledgment that turns a message into something that is all about you or the project itself. Make sure you give ample light and credit to the person you are recognizing.

  1. Reward these behaviors in others as you recognize them in order to reinforce the culture.

How can you reinforce these behaviors in others? What does acknowledgment of these look like? And how can you hold your managers accountable for supporting this? Do you need to build this into expectations? And what does that look like?

Gratitude, when practiced with a sincere heart, can turn around an ailing culture. Be sure to address it. And be sure that it starts with you.

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Five Hidden Factors Resulting in Meeting Stalemates

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Five Hidden Factors Resulting in Meeting Stalemates
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You’ve reached an impasse in the meeting. Emotions are high.

It’s another stalemate, and this is becoming habit on your team.

Why does this happen? And how do you break through this and reach consensus?

Meeting shutdowns happen for a variety of reasons. And all the tips in the world to facilitate meetings will not work unless you move past the five most common hidden roadblocks that impel people to leave the conversation.

When a meeting stalemates, it is often because team members leave the “window of tolerance,” a term coined by Dan Siegel in his book Mindsight. The window of tolerance is the zone in which people operate optimally, functioning, managing, and thriving. It is the space in which we can do our best critical thinking, exchanging, and considering ideas because when we are in this zone, we are able to use our executive brain – the part of the brain where functions such as creativity, reasoning, critical thinking, and more are centered.

When people leave the window of tolerance, they move to one of two states.

  1. Hyper-arousal

Here, a person will want to fight or flee. They may feel anxious or angry. Emotions run high, and any thinking is based on survival and safety.

  1. Hypo-arousal

Here, a person will shut down, and feel spacey or numb. The body might want to freeze or shut down, and it is difficult to think at all.

How does this work in meetings?

Team members may become heated and even irrational in their attempt to drive home opinions or resist those presented by others. Other team members can shut down and leave the conversation entirely.

When this happens, meeting effectiveness comes to a halt. Most often, the group will decide they need to meet at a later time to revisit the topic. Important decisions are placed on hold. Executives and areas of responsibility are held back. The organization is in limbo.

How do you handle this?

Here are five of the most common inhibitors and some ideas to help the team break through to move forward.

  1. A lack of clarity about the idea or concept presented.

Is the idea or concept being stated clear to others? Has the presenter explained this in a way that everyone understands? If you have a person who cannot state ideas succinctly, this is enough to cause others to discount their message. If you have someone on the team who takes too much space in explaining concepts, here is a “cheat sheet” to help them frame their message in a way that is more concise and convincing.

  1. A lack of understanding as to the business impact or benefits to the organization.

Do people understand how the topic at hand impacts the business? When exploring ideas to support decisions, it is important to connect the dots. How will the idea being presented benefit and impact the organization? What negative realities will need to be dealt with if the overall concept is of value? Asking these questions can help your team think beyond the immediate.

  1. Bias around the message bearer.

It is important for team members to check in on this. We all carry bias. The question is, how do we choose to handle it? Notice if you discount messages coming from any particular team member due to your personal bias about them. How can you give space and compassion to that person and consider the idea they are presenting? This is perhaps the toughest of the five roadblocks, and yet, the most beneficial when we begin to adopt a stance reflecting more empathy and compassion.

  1. Conflict with a personal agenda or conviction.

If a concept is presented that moves counter to the way your own area of responsibility operates, it is enough to cause internal conflict and an aversion to remain open to possibility. Most of us are inclined to respond with statements such as, “Well, that will never work because…” or “We just don’t do things that way…”

Consider replacing these kinds of statements with those such as, “How would that work? What might the benefits be?” This helps you and others stay in the conversation and play with possibilities that could be game changers for your business and the impact it has on the world.

  1. A lack of willingness to embrace change

Change is really tough, and it is not fun. Why? We are creatures of habit and love our comfort zones. Yet, change is when exciting things can happen, and we can take advantage of the opportunity to grow. Check yourself when you feel resistance to change. Recognize where you are in the change cycle on the particular issue being addressed. Then ask yourself what possible benefit you and the organization might enjoy if the change takes place. Awareness around your own resistance and how to manage it if you see benefit are empowering.

Only after these roadblocks have been addressed can you actually move forward to play well as a team and make good decisions together. I challenge you to discuss these factors with your team to begin a new way of approaching and implementing your decision-making together.

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© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.