How do you move past fear?
You don’t.
You get underneath it.
You get underneath the fear to the faulty assumptions that are driving it.
Underneath every instance where your confidence falters, or wherever a fear surfaces, there lies a hidden set of faulty assumptions that acts like glue to keep this fear intact.
Ready to break through?
I work with successful executives and business owners who are ready to step into a next level of success. A lot of times, they engage me because they have an incredible vision for their future or special project, or they have just assumed a new and larger role. These scenarios require bigger ways of thinking, acting, and doing, and even the most confident people will find themselves stalled by fears they didn’t realize would emerge.
A client I will call Mara asked me to help her make the move from being a very successful attorney to founding her own consulting firm. This was a major decision for her, but she was convicted and passionate about the change. She had already done all the homework – researching the need for services, defining the value she could bring to the client, weighing the costs and benefits this move would have on her financial future, identifying resources and connecting with key mentors for the help she would need, and putting together a plan of action to actually build the business.
But she called me for support because she couldn’t seem to move forward in working the plan. Specifically, Mara was afraid she would fail as a business owner. Even though she had gone through the planning steps that would support her success, she still feared she would not make it.
I asked her what was behind this fear, and Mara’s faulty assumptions were then revealed.
“Mara, what are you afraid will happen if you fail?”
“Well, other people might think I don’t have what it takes as a business person.”
“Mara, what are you afraid is going to happen if that happens?”
“Well, if others think I don’t have what it takes, I will lose credibility and no one will engage me.”
“And if that happens?”
“Then I’ll lose my home and be homeless – and others will have to take care of me. I will become a non-person – no worth.”
And there it was – the underlying faulty assumption that held Mara back. She feared she would become a non-person, a person of no worth. This was the glue that held her fear together.
“Mara, is it really true that if you fail in business that you will become homeless and of no worth?”
“Well, no – I have a good savings, and a corner on my specialty within law. I could always return with no problem. You know – it’s weird! I didn’t know that underneath all this was a fear that I would become a non-person. That’s not true!”
And yet, this was what was holding her back – the story she told herself, made up of a subconscious set of faulty assumptions that held her fear together like glue.
“Then, how do you get rid of the fear?” Mara asked me. “Because I can tell you that the old Nike adage, ‘Just do it!’ does not work for me.”
“Here’s what you do,” I answered. “You change your story to get rid of the fear. To do this, you don’t confront the fear – you confront the assumptions.”
Confronting the assumptions is confronting the story you are telling yourself, because it is the story that keeps your fear intact. Confronting your assumptions asks that you experiment with scenarios to see if your story is true. But contrary to the adage “Just do it,” by confronting the fear, confronting assumptions to break through fear is more powerful and effective.
Let’s say that you tell yourself that you are afraid to jump in the water because you assume the swimming pool is too cold to get in and swim. So the story you tell yourself is that if you jump in, you will catch a chill and be miserable. If you are miserable, then you will have to stay at home and nurse a cold. And if you stay at home to nurse a cold, you will miss out on all the fun planned for the weekend. And if this happens, well…(you see what I mean!).
To begin testing out of these faulty assumptions, you walk to the edge of the pool. You dip the tips of your toes in the water to see if your foot will be okay with the temperature. It may be a little chilly, but once you see that the toes are fine, you put a bit more of your foot in and go through the same exercise, asking yourself if you are okay. Eventually, you are in the pool up to your neck, enjoying a swim, sun on your face, and wondering why you ever feared the water temperature.
What you are doing throughout this exercise is to stretch your level of comfort bit by bit, pausing each time to observe to see whether your assumptions are true or not. In doing so, you test out of these assumptions by proving them wrong. Once you do this, your mind tells itself a new story. “Hmmm… I guess I don’t need to fear this fear anymore – it was completely unfounded.” So an hour later, if you choose to go back for another swim, you will simply jump in this time, total body. No more fear.
So how did this process work for Mara?
Mara and I devised a plan that incorporated several critical testing points as she moved forward to found her own business. And the results were that over the next 9 months, she was able to cultivate several prospective clients and to secure contracts that would support her over the following 24 months. She gave notice at the law offices, and jumped into her own consulting firm full-time.
“I can’t believe I was afraid of failing,” Mara told me. “Granted, building a business can be extremely challenging – but it’s so rewarding, too. I realize through having cultivated those clients, I am quite capable.”
How about you? What fear is holding you back? What story are you telling yourself to keep this fear intact? Join us on LinkedIn to share, and for more discussion.
Patti Cotton helps women executives optimize their effectiveness in leading self, others, and enterprises. Her areas of focus include confidence, leadership style, executive presence, effective communication, and masterful execution. With over 25 years of leadership experience, both stateside and abroad, Patti works with individuals, teams, and organizations across industries, providing executive coaching, women’s leadership development, change, and conflict management. She is also a Fortune 500 speaker. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.
Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.
