Patti Cotton

Executive Coach & Career Strategist

responsibility

Identity Mind Trap #1: When Your Manager Always Needs to Be Right

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Identity Mind Trap #1: When Your Manager Always Needs to Be Right
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Do you have a manager who suffers from “rightness”? One who, when he believes he is right, stops listening and ignores data that might prove him wrong?

Identify the Issue

Nick was such a manager and his “rightness” was keeping his team from making critical decisions.

Here’s what happened – and how we helped him move past this crippling behavior.

When the CFO called, she had reached her wit’s end. “I can’t have one more conversation with him,” she said. “Whether he offers an opinion, or he responds to feedback, Nick always has a quick answer. And his way is always right. There’s no room for a different perspective or the chance that he might not have considered everything. If someone shares evidence that there is something else to consider, he won’t listen.”

“Nick is a victim of his own identity,” I responded. “His ego demands that he be seen as an expert. And if something doesn’t feel right to him, he will refuse to consider it. You are probably losing a lot of valuable time and forward motion just because of this. What does Nick bring to the executive team that prompted you to call me?”

“We need Nick,” the CFO responded. “He is extremely talented and fills a particular niche that would be hard to fill right now. Can you help?”

Accept the Challenge

Nick and I were introduced, and of course, as a self-proclaimed expert, he was convinced he did not need coaching.

“I’m not sure why you are here,” he said to me. “I’ve taken leadership bootcamps and read a lot of leadership books,” he said.

“Nick, even the best leaders have a coach. As human beings, we are capable of continuous development throughout our entire lives,” I countered. “And it appears that there is something that is holding you back from that next level of development. Let’s talk.”

It was difficult to share. Someone who is always right cannot easily see how he might benefit from growth.

However, after I shared feedback from the executive team and gave examples from some of his decisions that had gone awry, he had to admit there might be something there. It was then that we decided on a development plan.

Focus on Growth

Over the next few months, Nick, and I met on a regular basis. We first focused on understanding how one’s identity is formed and how it might get in the way of growth, and then experimented with developing a taste for considering new perspectives to expand and enlarge thinking and decision-making. He asked for feedback from colleagues and exercised restraint as he considered their opinions. The deeper work was helping him to reshape his identity to become a learner in the world. He was up to the challenge.

Rebuild Trust

Additionally, we had some damage repair to do – Nick had alienated everyone on the executive team, and it was a process for him to learn how to re-enter and build trust. This paid off.

Enjoy New Levels of Success

I’m pleased that working with Nick resulted in success for him and the team. The CFO called just recently, and shares that he is being considered for promotion.

“He has become one of our most trusted assets,” she said. “I’m excited for his future – and for ours.”

Do you have someone on your team who has found him or herself in an ego trap such as “rightness”? How has it affected the rest of your team? And how would your company be able to move forward if this was resolved?

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Three Steps Necessary to Success

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Three Steps Necessary to Success
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Most of my work is helping executives and their teams make the shifts they need to make in order to successfully meet bigger goals. It is no easy task. Getting a group of people on the same page to make change sometimes means overcoming several personal agendas before the team can agree to shared goals.

Therein lies the challenge!

Making a change, whether individually or in a group, requires more than commitment to a goal and just “going for it.”

A study conducted at a nationally recognized health clinic revealed that only one in seven people will make the changes they know will make a difference to their quality of life or life itself. This has little to do with commitment and everything to do with the personal ability to make the leap necessary to succeed.

Making change means overcoming deeply engrained habits that feed emotional needs.

Such a shift requires that

  1. You are energetically committed to your goal.
  2. Your plan has the right steps to help you move forward.
  3. You have the right kind of support.

Goal

Let’s say you want to become a better listener, and this is the goal you set.

These would be the requirements.

1. Commitment

First, you would need to assess your commitment to becoming a better listener. On a scale of one to five, do you rate your desire at a four or above?

If not, you will not succeed in your efforts.

If you find you are lukewarm about a goal, your energy around change will not be enough to help make the change. Perhaps a coworker or family member is after you to make this shift, or it just sounds good to be a better listener. But this is not enough. The goal you set must reflect your agenda, and it must be a strong priority for you.

2. Micro Shifts

Second, your plan must reflect micro shifts toward the goal. Too often, the gap between a vision and where one currently is leaves too vast a gap in order to move forward. In other words, we may have a clear picture of what success looks like, and a good understanding of the gap between where we are and where we want to be. We may even have incremental milestones we want to reach that will tell us that our efforts are succeeding. But these are not yet adequate for a sound plan.

A change journey must be broken down into bite-sized moves forward so the brain recognizes success and is encouraged to keep going. In the example of wanting to be a better listener, it may be too big a jump for you at first to leave your personal agenda aside when listening to others.

Perhaps a first micro shift would be to pause five seconds after the other person finishes talking before you jump in.

Or maybe you decide that you must ask one question about what they are saying before assuming you know what they are talking about.

Bite-sized pieces allow you to feel that you are succeeding, and it is a carrot to the brain to move forward instead of retreating to comfortable old habits.

3. Support

Finally, the right kind of support is needed in order to feel one is reaching success. This can come in many forms. You can hire a coach, and/or ask two or three trusted friends or colleagues to encourage and hold you accountable. For some, it is enough to surround yourself with positive people who believe in you and your efforts. Whatever means of support you seek; you must make sure you remove negative roadblocks in the form of people who don’t want you to change.

This may sound odd. However, we are all creatures of habit, and if someone in our circle begins to behave differently, we will subconsciously feel the difference and attempt to calm the disruption. So be careful of those in your circle of influence who may subtly attempt to sabotage your efforts.

In the example of becoming a better listener, you may have someone who makes fun of you wanting to change. Or they may be someone who possesses a closed mindset, and this is reflected in something like, “Oh, give it up. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Be careful of these underground currents that can push you back, and avoid or eliminate them.

If you will give careful thought to these three steps, you can reach goals you never thought possible. Every time you replace a poor habit with a better one, or you shift a behavior that allows you to operate at a higher capacity, this elevates you to a new altitude, allowing you to see greater vistas and opportunities that were once not visible to you.

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© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Can You Be Angry and Still Lead Well?

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Can You Be Angry and Still Lead Well?
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Can you lead well when you feel angry?

A corporate executive described himself as “useless” when he experienced upset.

When he felt angry, he found it difficult to make simple decisions and get regular work done.

Both his team and his family agreed that something needed to change.

The leader’s inability to manage his anger crippled his business, as decision-making and execution are critical to outcomes.

“How do you deal with anger and still lead well?”

That’s the question he asked when he first called for help.

“I’m in the middle of an expansion, Patti. Operating at my best is critical. How do I work around this thing?”

I responded, “You can’t work around it. In fact, the key idea here is to manage your emotions well. When you learn to do this, your decision-making and your ability to get work done will be much stronger than it ever has been.”

“I’m listening,” he said. “But it doesn’t sit well with me. When I am upset, I shut down. I actually feel numb, and it’s hard to think at all.”

He and I met to continue our conversation. He described himself as steady, even keeled in most all situations, and one who shied away from confrontations.

“I’m really pretty easy to get along with,” he said. “But I admit to having some hot buttons. It really gets me going when people are unreliable or untrustworthy. But that’s pretty normal, right?”

“Absolutely,” I said. “Those are some of my hot buttons, as well. How do you handle it when these things come up?”

“That’s where it gets difficult,” he explained. “I tend to stuff my irritation and ignore the problem. You can guess how that winds up. In fact, I hate to tell on myself, but I’ve allowed some pretty bad behavior on my team. As it worsens, I get angry. And then I just withdraw and shut down. When I’m hot under the collar, I can’t think. And then, with this expansion, I need everyone to just get on board and stop the nonsense. But they don’t. And that makes me angrier. And at a certain point, when my blood pressure can’t take it anymore, I simply numb out.”

“What’s worse is that when I go home, I think I can switch gears and shut the office out of my head. But my wife says this definitely doesn’t work. She says I don’t connect with the family – no conversation, just a low-hum heavy feeling in the air. I told her I was meeting with you to help me deal with this. She says to thank you in advance on behalf of the entire family. I had no idea it was affecting things that much.”

“So, here’s what I’m hearing,” I said. “You’ve just outlined what may be the chief reason for your company’s productivity loss, your executive team’s in-fighting, your lost deadlines holding back expansion – and your family life at home. That’s huge. You need more emotional agility, and you need it quickly.

“Emotional agility is the ability to navigate challenges by managing your inner game – your thoughts, feelings, and emotions.”

He stared at me with his mouth open. “I’ll do just about anything. I am seeing damage all around me from this. How do I turn this around? How do I get more emotional agility so that I can get things back on track?”

Over the next few months, he and I worked together on making friends with anger.

It sounds odd, but it isn’t. Emotions are powerful, and most of us simply don’t know how to harness this power. Emotions are simply a signal that alerts us when something affects us or our experience. Paying attention to these signals can sharpen our critical thinking and our execution.

But creating awareness around the emotions we are feeling and making friends with them as mere signals is just the first step.

The next step is crucial – managing your emotions.

And this step was indeed more challenging. Once he recognized that anger would help alert him to pay attention to something, he then needed to decide how to address the situation that was causing it.

As he and I identified biggest potential wins through managing his anger, confrontation was first. There was a key area within the executive team that had been left to fester.

He had to decide what he would expect of the two execs causing the trouble, to share it with them, and then to stand by this to enforce accountability.

Then, he needed to recognize how to make decisions, even in a “hot state.”

This meant recognizing and validating the emotion so that he could self-regulate (simmer down) and make decisions based on his values and not be driven by emotion.

Over the following months, the business began to respond positively at both individual and team levels, and the culture shift had significant impact on the company’s ability to expand and do it well.

He single-handedly turned the business around by managing his own leadership.

In confronting his own growth area, he created impact throughout the organization.

What one thing in your leadership could make a critical impact to your business or area of responsibility?

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Five Hidden Factors Resulting in Meeting Stalemates

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Five Hidden Factors Resulting in Meeting Stalemates
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You’ve reached an impasse in the meeting. Emotions are high.

It’s another stalemate, and this is becoming habit on your team.

Why does this happen? And how do you break through this and reach consensus?

Meeting shutdowns happen for a variety of reasons. And all the tips in the world to facilitate meetings will not work unless you move past the five most common hidden roadblocks that impel people to leave the conversation.

When a meeting stalemates, it is often because team members leave the “window of tolerance,” a term coined by Dan Siegel in his book Mindsight. The window of tolerance is the zone in which people operate optimally, functioning, managing, and thriving. It is the space in which we can do our best critical thinking, exchanging, and considering ideas because when we are in this zone, we are able to use our executive brain – the part of the brain where functions such as creativity, reasoning, critical thinking, and more are centered.

When people leave the window of tolerance, they move to one of two states.

  1. Hyper-arousal

Here, a person will want to fight or flee. They may feel anxious or angry. Emotions run high, and any thinking is based on survival and safety.

  1. Hypo-arousal

Here, a person will shut down, and feel spacey or numb. The body might want to freeze or shut down, and it is difficult to think at all.

How does this work in meetings?

Team members may become heated and even irrational in their attempt to drive home opinions or resist those presented by others. Other team members can shut down and leave the conversation entirely.

When this happens, meeting effectiveness comes to a halt. Most often, the group will decide they need to meet at a later time to revisit the topic. Important decisions are placed on hold. Executives and areas of responsibility are held back. The organization is in limbo.

How do you handle this?

Here are five of the most common inhibitors and some ideas to help the team break through to move forward.

  1. A lack of clarity about the idea or concept presented.

Is the idea or concept being stated clear to others? Has the presenter explained this in a way that everyone understands? If you have a person who cannot state ideas succinctly, this is enough to cause others to discount their message. If you have someone on the team who takes too much space in explaining concepts, here is a “cheat sheet” to help them frame their message in a way that is more concise and convincing.

  1. A lack of understanding as to the business impact or benefits to the organization.

Do people understand how the topic at hand impacts the business? When exploring ideas to support decisions, it is important to connect the dots. How will the idea being presented benefit and impact the organization? What negative realities will need to be dealt with if the overall concept is of value? Asking these questions can help your team think beyond the immediate.

  1. Bias around the message bearer.

It is important for team members to check in on this. We all carry bias. The question is, how do we choose to handle it? Notice if you discount messages coming from any particular team member due to your personal bias about them. How can you give space and compassion to that person and consider the idea they are presenting? This is perhaps the toughest of the five roadblocks, and yet, the most beneficial when we begin to adopt a stance reflecting more empathy and compassion.

  1. Conflict with a personal agenda or conviction.

If a concept is presented that moves counter to the way your own area of responsibility operates, it is enough to cause internal conflict and an aversion to remain open to possibility. Most of us are inclined to respond with statements such as, “Well, that will never work because…” or “We just don’t do things that way…”

Consider replacing these kinds of statements with those such as, “How would that work? What might the benefits be?” This helps you and others stay in the conversation and play with possibilities that could be game changers for your business and the impact it has on the world.

  1. A lack of willingness to embrace change

Change is really tough, and it is not fun. Why? We are creatures of habit and love our comfort zones. Yet, change is when exciting things can happen, and we can take advantage of the opportunity to grow. Check yourself when you feel resistance to change. Recognize where you are in the change cycle on the particular issue being addressed. Then ask yourself what possible benefit you and the organization might enjoy if the change takes place. Awareness around your own resistance and how to manage it if you see benefit are empowering.

Only after these roadblocks have been addressed can you actually move forward to play well as a team and make good decisions together. I challenge you to discuss these factors with your team to begin a new way of approaching and implementing your decision-making together.

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© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

How to Prepare for Unexpected Change

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How to Prepare for Unexpected Change
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Change is inevitable. As the world changes, so we must adapt. When you lead, this means change management on a large scale. When you aren’t in charge, it means that you must know what to anticipate so that you can lower your own stress and support your team through the process.

How do you plan for change, even if it’s unexpected?

Understanding the four stages of change will help you to meet it proactively so that you can avoid pitfall and accelerate positive outcomes.

The Change Curve – the Four Stages of Change

The Change Curve is a popular model that explains how organizations and people move through change. It’s helpful to understand so that you can help lead change – whether or not you are in charge. There are many variations of this, but we think that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, well-known for her work on personal transitions with grief and bereavement, was the originator of the concept.

The Change Curve outlines four stages that people experience as they adjust and adapt to change. I’ve placed recommendations behind each of these to share how you can develop a framework for a change plan if and when change must occur.

Stage 1. Shock and Denial.

This is a time to reinforce trust. Keep the vision and mission in front and reinforce stability. Exhibit authenticity through open and timely communication throughout all levels of the business. The communications need to share what the change is, why it is needed, and the benefits to this. Share what you do know and what you don’t know. Built trust through sharing how and when they can anticipate more answers as you know them.

  • When you are in charge, you will want to make sure that these communications are shared in a timely way with your team, and that you allow time for questions and discussion. Be transparent by identifying those answers you don’t have, rather than trying to come up with a slick answer. Keep your door open. Remind them that change is constant, and that you are confident you and the team can work through this.
  • When someone else is in charge, be authentic through asking your questions during the group’s meeting time instead of doing this in corners outside the meeting. This keeps the team intact and allows all to benefit from discussing the topic and learning from it. Decide that you can use this change to showcase your knowledge and skills, and that if some of those are not yet learned, that this is an opportunity to do so.

Stage 2. Reactions and Resistance.

Understand that the threat of change can be real. People will wonder how they need to shift or change their way of working in order to remain effective. And some may even fear losing their position. This is a time when you will want to draw from empathy and compassion as performance may dip temporarily. Put yourself in the shoes of others and be tough on issues, tender on people.

  • When you are in charge, encourage your people by touching base more frequently with them, asking how you can help. Remember that as people struggle to adapt, they may exhibit additional stress in different ways. Stay focused on the issue and not the personality as you manage this.
  • When someone else is in charge, check your attitude. Keep the bigger picture in mind and support your colleagues through positive thoughts and language. If someone appears to have a rough moment or day, ask if you can help, rather than to avoid them.

Stage 3. Turning Point to Acceptance.

Change requires courage and humility. Taking on new ways of operating together, of performing work means making mistakes and pushing through until success is met.

  • When you are in charge, admit that mistakes will be made and that this is a time of learning. Show your courage and humility by sharing a bit of how you are learning as well. Continue to communicate frequently and to acknowledge wins and positive behaviors in the team.
  • When someone else is in charge, recall how you have successfully moved through change in the past and hold realistic expectations for your learning. Ask your leader how you are doing and check in as you need to in order to get a pulse on anything you need to do differently at this stage.

Stage 4. Embracing and Managing Change.

Motivation is key here (and of course, it is key all through the four stages!). Acknowledging wins and linking these wins to results needs to be stressed. As people master new ways of doing and operating individually and together, these culture shifts in mindset and behaviors can falter under stress. Sharing incremental wins and the results they engender is key.

  • When you are in charge, recognition is key here. Any incremental wins, results, in behaviors such as heightened teamwork, performance, mastery of a skill or effective problem-solving is fair game for celebration. Share these celebrations with your team as a way to motivate them and move them forward.
  • When someone else is in charge, pat yourself on the back as you master a step in a new process or way of doing. As you notice the positive aspects of working together on projects or initiatives, recognize this and acknowledge it to those involved. Celebrate to reinforce and motivate yourself and others.

Change can be challenging, but change can be exciting.  It’s an opportunity to learn, grow, and to celebrate this. It can provide career opportunities, help the business to make greater impact on community and society. Making change should always mean making things better. Approaching this in a proactive way is always much more rewarding.

HOW MUCH

DO OTHERS REALLY TRUST YOU?

​Learn the two vital parts to trust and how they can help you become a more highly effective leader.

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© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.