Patti Cotton

Executive Coach & Career Strategist

emotions

Four Steps to Crisis Management

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Four Steps to Crisis Management
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Leading through crisis requires more of you – more energy, focus, and innovation.

Yet, sudden change generates great stress, which actively interferes with your ability to show up as you need to do.

How can you manage your emotions and thoughts effectively during this time so you can lead others through successfully?

Here are four steps that will help you tame stress and develop resilience during critical times so you can operate at your best.

1. Get grounded.

Making critical decisions requires a calm, sharp mind, able to keep all the pieces moving. How can you quickly ground yourself in critical moments?

  • Recognize emotions as useful.

Emotions are simply indicators that we need to pay attention. As you face a crucial conversation or decision, pause to ask yourself what emotions you are experiencing along with the situation.

What can these tell you?

This pause can help to regulate a “hot state” that can interfere with best thinking.

  • Unhook non-constructive thoughts.

What negative or non-constructive thoughts are you carrying with you during this time? Is there a “worry loop” that keeps playing in your head that does not serve you?

Reframe by replacing this with a different track each time the negative thought crosses your mind. This will lessen the stress that accompanies destructive thought patterns, and free you to make better decisions.

2. Create structure.

Structure promotes predictability, which reduces stress.

It is important for you to provide this for your team and organization – but you need to do so for yourself, first.

  • Prioritize what is important.

What is urgent vs. what is really important?

It is important to determine this, and revisit this on a daily basis. Make sure you schedule accordingly so urgencies don’t fill up your calendar.

  • Create a timeline.

This master document should have your priorities outlined so you can keep yourself and your team accountable. Revisit this on a weekly basis to adjust what needs shifting. Putting on paper what you need to keep in mind will free your mind to concentrate.

3. Stay connected.

Who are the industry and other business experts that can serve as a think tank for you? How can you transmit this information to your executive team so that they can work to capacity with you? Decide how you can curate what you need to share, then incorporate this into your briefings.

  • Lean on your life team.

Make sure you have a life team that you can reach out to, and that has your best interests in mind. Decide together how and when you will connect to support each other, especially during crisis. Having people in your life to whom you can turn and be vulnerable allows you to draw strength for the task before you.

4. Reflect, then act.

Recall other uncertain times to draw from the lessons learned there. This will help you know what to do when you aren’t sure what to do.

For example, look back to a past market crash, or other crisis for comparison. Identify patterns, connect the dots. Notice similarities and take your best shot.

Calculated risks to move forward in such times have proved much better than the risks from inaction or decisions made without these considerations.

One key thing to remember is that crises are usually temporary; but decisions made during a crisis can have permanent implications. Protect your ability to make good decisions by…

1. Getting grounded.
2. Creating structure.
3. Staying connected.
4. Reflecting, then acting.

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Can You Be Angry and Still Lead Well?

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Can You Be Angry and Still Lead Well?
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Can you lead well when you feel angry?

A corporate executive described himself as “useless” when he experienced upset.

When he felt angry, he found it difficult to make simple decisions and get regular work done.

Both his team and his family agreed that something needed to change.

The leader’s inability to manage his anger crippled his business, as decision-making and execution are critical to outcomes.

“How do you deal with anger and still lead well?”

That’s the question he asked when he first called for help.

“I’m in the middle of an expansion, Patti. Operating at my best is critical. How do I work around this thing?”

I responded, “You can’t work around it. In fact, the key idea here is to manage your emotions well. When you learn to do this, your decision-making and your ability to get work done will be much stronger than it ever has been.”

“I’m listening,” he said. “But it doesn’t sit well with me. When I am upset, I shut down. I actually feel numb, and it’s hard to think at all.”

He and I met to continue our conversation. He described himself as steady, even keeled in most all situations, and one who shied away from confrontations.

“I’m really pretty easy to get along with,” he said. “But I admit to having some hot buttons. It really gets me going when people are unreliable or untrustworthy. But that’s pretty normal, right?”

“Absolutely,” I said. “Those are some of my hot buttons, as well. How do you handle it when these things come up?”

“That’s where it gets difficult,” he explained. “I tend to stuff my irritation and ignore the problem. You can guess how that winds up. In fact, I hate to tell on myself, but I’ve allowed some pretty bad behavior on my team. As it worsens, I get angry. And then I just withdraw and shut down. When I’m hot under the collar, I can’t think. And then, with this expansion, I need everyone to just get on board and stop the nonsense. But they don’t. And that makes me angrier. And at a certain point, when my blood pressure can’t take it anymore, I simply numb out.”

“What’s worse is that when I go home, I think I can switch gears and shut the office out of my head. But my wife says this definitely doesn’t work. She says I don’t connect with the family – no conversation, just a low-hum heavy feeling in the air. I told her I was meeting with you to help me deal with this. She says to thank you in advance on behalf of the entire family. I had no idea it was affecting things that much.”

“So, here’s what I’m hearing,” I said. “You’ve just outlined what may be the chief reason for your company’s productivity loss, your executive team’s in-fighting, your lost deadlines holding back expansion – and your family life at home. That’s huge. You need more emotional agility, and you need it quickly.

“Emotional agility is the ability to navigate challenges by managing your inner game – your thoughts, feelings, and emotions.”

He stared at me with his mouth open. “I’ll do just about anything. I am seeing damage all around me from this. How do I turn this around? How do I get more emotional agility so that I can get things back on track?”

Over the next few months, he and I worked together on making friends with anger.

It sounds odd, but it isn’t. Emotions are powerful, and most of us simply don’t know how to harness this power. Emotions are simply a signal that alerts us when something affects us or our experience. Paying attention to these signals can sharpen our critical thinking and our execution.

But creating awareness around the emotions we are feeling and making friends with them as mere signals is just the first step.

The next step is crucial – managing your emotions.

And this step was indeed more challenging. Once he recognized that anger would help alert him to pay attention to something, he then needed to decide how to address the situation that was causing it.

As he and I identified biggest potential wins through managing his anger, confrontation was first. There was a key area within the executive team that had been left to fester.

He had to decide what he would expect of the two execs causing the trouble, to share it with them, and then to stand by this to enforce accountability.

Then, he needed to recognize how to make decisions, even in a “hot state.”

This meant recognizing and validating the emotion so that he could self-regulate (simmer down) and make decisions based on his values and not be driven by emotion.

Over the following months, the business began to respond positively at both individual and team levels, and the culture shift had significant impact on the company’s ability to expand and do it well.

He single-handedly turned the business around by managing his own leadership.

In confronting his own growth area, he created impact throughout the organization.

What one thing in your leadership could make a critical impact to your business or area of responsibility?

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Five Hidden Factors Resulting in Meeting Stalemates

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Five Hidden Factors Resulting in Meeting Stalemates
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You’ve reached an impasse in the meeting. Emotions are high.

It’s another stalemate, and this is becoming habit on your team.

Why does this happen? And how do you break through this and reach consensus?

Meeting shutdowns happen for a variety of reasons. And all the tips in the world to facilitate meetings will not work unless you move past the five most common hidden roadblocks that impel people to leave the conversation.

When a meeting stalemates, it is often because team members leave the “window of tolerance,” a term coined by Dan Siegel in his book Mindsight. The window of tolerance is the zone in which people operate optimally, functioning, managing, and thriving. It is the space in which we can do our best critical thinking, exchanging, and considering ideas because when we are in this zone, we are able to use our executive brain – the part of the brain where functions such as creativity, reasoning, critical thinking, and more are centered.

When people leave the window of tolerance, they move to one of two states.

  1. Hyper-arousal

Here, a person will want to fight or flee. They may feel anxious or angry. Emotions run high, and any thinking is based on survival and safety.

  1. Hypo-arousal

Here, a person will shut down, and feel spacey or numb. The body might want to freeze or shut down, and it is difficult to think at all.

How does this work in meetings?

Team members may become heated and even irrational in their attempt to drive home opinions or resist those presented by others. Other team members can shut down and leave the conversation entirely.

When this happens, meeting effectiveness comes to a halt. Most often, the group will decide they need to meet at a later time to revisit the topic. Important decisions are placed on hold. Executives and areas of responsibility are held back. The organization is in limbo.

How do you handle this?

Here are five of the most common inhibitors and some ideas to help the team break through to move forward.

  1. A lack of clarity about the idea or concept presented.

Is the idea or concept being stated clear to others? Has the presenter explained this in a way that everyone understands? If you have a person who cannot state ideas succinctly, this is enough to cause others to discount their message. If you have someone on the team who takes too much space in explaining concepts, here is a “cheat sheet” to help them frame their message in a way that is more concise and convincing.

  1. A lack of understanding as to the business impact or benefits to the organization.

Do people understand how the topic at hand impacts the business? When exploring ideas to support decisions, it is important to connect the dots. How will the idea being presented benefit and impact the organization? What negative realities will need to be dealt with if the overall concept is of value? Asking these questions can help your team think beyond the immediate.

  1. Bias around the message bearer.

It is important for team members to check in on this. We all carry bias. The question is, how do we choose to handle it? Notice if you discount messages coming from any particular team member due to your personal bias about them. How can you give space and compassion to that person and consider the idea they are presenting? This is perhaps the toughest of the five roadblocks, and yet, the most beneficial when we begin to adopt a stance reflecting more empathy and compassion.

  1. Conflict with a personal agenda or conviction.

If a concept is presented that moves counter to the way your own area of responsibility operates, it is enough to cause internal conflict and an aversion to remain open to possibility. Most of us are inclined to respond with statements such as, “Well, that will never work because…” or “We just don’t do things that way…”

Consider replacing these kinds of statements with those such as, “How would that work? What might the benefits be?” This helps you and others stay in the conversation and play with possibilities that could be game changers for your business and the impact it has on the world.

  1. A lack of willingness to embrace change

Change is really tough, and it is not fun. Why? We are creatures of habit and love our comfort zones. Yet, change is when exciting things can happen, and we can take advantage of the opportunity to grow. Check yourself when you feel resistance to change. Recognize where you are in the change cycle on the particular issue being addressed. Then ask yourself what possible benefit you and the organization might enjoy if the change takes place. Awareness around your own resistance and how to manage it if you see benefit are empowering.

Only after these roadblocks have been addressed can you actually move forward to play well as a team and make good decisions together. I challenge you to discuss these factors with your team to begin a new way of approaching and implementing your decision-making together.

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© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Keeping Your Cool with Difficult Personalities

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Keeping Your Cool with Difficult Personalities
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I admit to having certain hot buttons that, when pushed, really test my ability to keep my cool.

How do you remain calm, focused, and even-handed when someone is triggering yours?

You need three things to stay cool when your buttons are pushed.

  1. Know your hot buttons.

Here is a comprehensive list of hot buttons and explanations that are part of the Conflict Dynamics Profile I use to coach team conflict.

    • Unreliable – those who are unreliable, miss deadlines, cannot be counted on
    • Overly-analytical – those who are perfectionists, over-analyze things. and focus too much on minor issues
    • Unappreciative – those who fail to give credit to others or seldom praise good performance
    • Aloof – those who isolate themselves, do not seek input from others, or are hard to approach
    • Micro-managing – those who constantly monitor and check up on the work of others
    • Self-centered – those who are self-centered or believe they are always correct
    • Abrasive – those who are arrogant, sarcastic, and abrasive
    • Untrustworthy – those who exploit others, take underserved credit, or cannot be trusted
    • Hostile – those who lose their tempers, become angry inappropriately, yell at others

Which of these are your hot buttons?

In order to tame them, you must recognize them first.

  1. Take a moment to ward off flooding.

Emotions rise when we are triggered, and we can experience what is called “flooding.” This is another term for overwhelm, during which the stress hormones adrenalin and cortisol flood the nervous system and put us in a state of fight or flight.

The problem with flooding is that it influences our thought patterns and the way we see others. Poor thinking and reactions ensue. Science tells us that it requires around 20 minutes or more for flooding to dissipate – and in some situations, you may not be able to afford such a pause.

How do you get in front of this? 

    • Sharpen your awareness around early trigger signs before it becomes a problem.

If you recognize one of your hot buttons has just been pushed, take three deep breaths (literally!), relax your shoulders, and pause. Identify the physical sensations you are experiencing as a result of the trigger. Where do you feel tense or weight? Is your heart rate elevating? Name these as you piece them out as a way to separate them from you. Continue slow and easy breathing to calm these sensations down.

    • What emotions are you experiencing?

Remind yourself that these are separate from the actual issue at hand. If you are in a “hot state” and you can’t regulate this, you will continue to encourage the flooding process.

    • End the conversation if you recognize you are flooded.

Tell the other person you will need to take a break and come back a bit later to continue the conversation. Go for a walk, if possible, and as you piece out and calm down your emotions and physical sensations, refocus to the actual issue at hand. What conversation is needed to resolve the interaction? 

  1. Train yourself to redirect natural impulses to react.

In a calm and reflective state in which there is no triggering situation at hand, review your list of hot buttons.

For each, recall how you normally react when it has been activated. Now, imagine how you would like to respond to it in future. Rewrite 1-2 instances where this hot button has been pushed in the past. Now, in the place of the reaction you had to the situation, visualize yourself responding in the ideal way you have envisioned.

Run this through your mind several times to create a brain “memory.” As you do this over time, your brain will begin to recall this as an established pattern and move toward it in situations where you are triggered.

What is the stress from reacting to triggers costing you?

If you are like most, the list can include your ability to make good decisions, enjoy healthy and productive relationships, your ability to lead, and ultimately, your health. I challenge you to learn how manage yourself in a more effective way by mastering your hot buttons.

HOW MUCH

DO OTHERS REALLY TRUST YOU?

​Learn the two vital parts to trust and how they can help you become a more highly effective leader.

GET THE INFOGRAPHIC

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

3 Essential Shifts Every Leader Must Make

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3 Essential Shifts Every Leader Must Make
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Are you prepared to lead into the future?

Most leaders are not.

The world is increasing in complexity, and you as a leader must grow to support change effectively. The problem is that most in leadership have reached the top and stopped growing. They have given in to the false premise that, because they have the ability to meet today’s demands, they can certainly meet what the future brings.

Are you a leader who has reached the top – and stopped?

You may think you have what it takes. However, there are three shifts that, unless you make them, will quickly render you ineffective in the future.

What are these? And why should you pay attention when things are fine the way they are right now?

This week, we’ll talk about the first shift – why you need to make it and first steps to take.

Shift I: Relational Abilities Must Increase

Relational skills are now taking a front seat to all other leadership competencies. Your ability to relate well to others may work well today, but tomorrow’s leadership will need to call on more and to sharpen their emotional intelligence (“EQ”) on a consistent basis.

Why?

Emotional intelligence (“EQ”) is what helps you have high relational skills, and these are paramount to effective leadership.

Here are just some of the ways that EQ facilitates this:

  • EQ allows you to understand how your emotions and actions affect the people around you. This is necessary to regulating the way you interact with others so that you can create bonds and team.
  • EQ provides you with the ability to put yourself in the shoes of others, to understand how they feel, and to consider their perspectives. This ability to empathize can draw people to you and influence them. It can serve to power negotiations in tense times, and to promote compassion, which is a necessary component to embodying powerful servant leadership.
  • EQ promotes good communication. If you have forged bonds and trust with others, you tend to communicate better and more often, avoiding conflict and misunderstandings that poor communication fosters.
  • EQ provides you with the ability to mentor others and shape a healthy culture. Your ability to model high relational skills will serve as the prototype for your entire organization.

And in a world where constant change has become the norm, your ability to relate well to others is what will instill confidence in you and commitment to you on the part of those around you.

The problem is that we relate to others as we have been taught. This means that we bring with us a host of older experiences that color how well we are able to show up with and relate to others. Sharpening your EQ so that you up-level your ability to relate is more important than ever.

Are you already a pro in relating? Is your EQ high? You still need to make the shift to lead successfully into the future.

Here’s why: Emotional intelligence needs consistent exercise to remain effective. Your EQ is a “muscle” that needs flexing on a regular basis, or you will lose it. What’s more, just like working out at the gym, you can’t focus only on bicep curls and expect that the rest of your body will become fit by osmosis.

Use it – or lose it.

In fact, if you neglect your EQ for an extended period, you place yourself in danger of developing what we call Hubris Syndrome. If this is the case, you are now in imminent danger of losing your leadership position and perhaps your company.

How do you avoid this?

Here are 5 steps to systematically strengthen your EQ to support your relational skills.

1. Tap back into your own emotions. For example, how do you typically respond when someone delivers bad news to you? Criticizes you unfairly? Cuts you off on the freeway? By recognizing your emotions, you will be better able to regulate and control them so that you manage your relationships and interactions with others better. Tapping back into your emotions also allows you to recognize these emotions in others and to empathize with them. When you exhibit empathy, you build rapport, as others feel you care.

2. Ask others for their perspective. Leaders develop tunnel-vision when it comes to decision-making. After all, putting out fires all day long, dealing with the unexpected and the myriad of pieces that make up the organization requires fast thinking and acting. However, 60% of all decisions that leaders make are wrong, and this is primarily due to “either-or” problem-solving. “Either we do this, or we do that.” Asking others for their perspective on various issues that arise can give you added insight to expand your options. At the same time you widen your perspective-taking, you also allow others to feel they can contribute to the larger picture. And that’s a great relational skill.

3. Be curious instead of quick to judge. You think you can put yourself in someone else’s shoes, but can you really know how they feel? We bring our own experiences to the mix, and it is wise to ask questions rather than assume that you understand how they feel or what they want. Replace phrases such as, “I know just how you feel…” with ones like, “This feels devastating to me, but tell me how this affects you. I want to understand…”

4. Develop deep listening skills. There is perhaps no greater gift than that of being heard. Exercising deep listening skills is to hear beyond words, to ask questions instead of assuming, and to attune with another so they feel recognized and validated. Developing your skills in this area takes consistent practice, and it is well worth your time and effort. For more on this, see my article “How to Raise Your Influence in Less Than 5 Seconds.”

5. Decide to confront conflict courageously. There is perhaps nothing more damaging to our ability to relate than to allow unresolved conflict to fester. To feel a rupture in a relationship without repair is to foster stress, negative feelings, lost opportunities, and poor modeling for others. The cost of inaction – of allowing the rupture to fester – touches many, affecting the quality of your leadership and the lives of those around you. Want to fall in love with conflict so that you improve the quality of your relationships on a systematic basis? Read here.

I invite you to begin sharpening your emotional intelligence today so that you enjoy more influence, better decision-making, more productive and fulfilling relationships, and a healthier leadership future. How might having higher relational skills benefit you, your team, and your organization?

Next week, we will explore the second of three shifts you need to make: Vertical Development 2.0.

HOW MUCH

DO OTHERS REALLY TRUST YOU?

​Learn the two vital parts to trust and how they can help you become a more highly effective leader.

GET THE INFOGRAPHIC

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.