Patti Cotton

Executive Coach & Career Strategist

decision making

How to Fall in Love with Conflict

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How to Fall in Love with Conflict
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Most executives tell me they hate conflict and run quickly from it. And if they can’t escape it, they report handling it poorly. After all, who likes tension?

I’d like to offer an alternate paradigm – how would you like to fall in love with conflict?

I can give you some compelling reasons why – and some tips on making the shift toward welcoming conflict as a growth opportunity.

Need some convincing?

Here is why you want to shift the way you think about and approach conflict.

Conflict will always be present.

I like to say, “Where there are two or more people gathered together, there will be conflict!”

Why? Varying perspectives, beliefs, convictions, agendas… This means you can’t run and hide forever, unless you choose to be a hermit.

Conflict is an opportunity to strengthen working relationships.

If handled well, separating issues from personalities, it can become a way that two opposing parties become a unified team solving a problem together.

Conflict opens doors to new and creative possibilities.

Ever heard someone say, “What’s the third good option?”

This means, can we move from “either, or” (your way or my way), to another solution that might give both of us what we need…that might solve the issue even better?”

How do you get to the point where you actually love conflict when you encounter it?

The tricky thing is most of us fear conflict until we learn how to handle it, and we tend to run to our own platform of emotional safety.

In order to move from fear to a state of openness, you will first want to recognize what conflict can do for you, your relationships, and potential outcomes.

Here are five tips to get you started so that you can truly begin to fall in love with conflict:

1. Begin to shift your personal views about what conflict is.

Begin recognizing that conflict can be an exciting opportunity for dialogue and reaching shared agreement around issues that are important to you and to solving problems.

Conflict is usually a simple combination of (1) two or more people, or different parts of the same person; (2) a disagreement over unresolved issues, process, outcomes, or facts; and (3) negative emotions around strong convictions or one’s opinion on said issue/process/facts.

There can be more variables to creating a conflict, but these three are all you need to get a conflict started. If you find yourself in conflict and can remember the anatomy of conflict above, it will allow you to take a deep breath as you begin to approach it.

2. Recognize that personal triggers around conflict may or may not be valid.

Each time a conflict arises, you probably get two triggers – an emotional one and a physical one.

When this happens, your mind makes up a story to support your bodily sensations and emotions, such as, “This is unpleasant and doesn’t feel good. Leave immediately.”

What you are experiencing is the safety mechanism your brain developed for you from an early age so that you feel safe. However, now that you are an adult, it’s time to re-examine this conditioning, because some of these triggers are no longer useful or valid.

For example, when you were small, you may have felt rejected or inappropriate for speaking up in at the dinner table. But now that you are older, not being able to speak up in groups or social settings may be debilitating for you.

So, as you move forward and experience uncomfortable sensations and emotions, ask yourself if these triggers are valid for the situation, or if you need to take a deep breath and re-examine what is happening.

3. Set the stage for collaboration with others in the conflict.

Change your language about conflict as it arises with others. When the air is tense, it’s helpful to remind yourself and others that this is actually a growth opportunity. Be a leader in setting this new framework with statements or phrases that include, “I’m feeling some tension, here. Can we talk together about the issue that’s stirring the pot for us?” Or, “I feel passionate about this, and it seems like you do, too. I think we can come up with a creative solution. Are you game to sit with me so we can work this out?”

Notice that I am avoiding any finger-pointing in these phrases. I am also using a lot of “we” phraseology – can “we” work this out, can “we” sit down together… By using this kind of language, you are implying that you are collaborative, on the same team. This is when great things can happen.

4. See pause points as growth opportunities.

Are you and the other person in the conflict stalled at a certain point in working things out?

Say so.

Call this out, as though you are noticing an elephant in the room. When tension mounts, so can voices, platforms, and personal agendas.

On the other hand, when you are able to name the tension in the room, this allows the other person to relax a bit, as well. You might ask them if they would like some water or coffee, or to stretch their legs a bit. Get up and stretch yours. This will provide some regrouping of energy and emotion, so that when you come back together to sit and examine the matter at hand, you can do so more even-handedly. And handling things in this way is great growth.

5. Thank the other person for being willing to work things out with you.

At the beginning of your conversation together, and again after you have reached an outcome or conclusion, let the other party know that you appreciate their willingness to explore things together. You want to help them see that working things out with you is collaborative, even-handed, thoughtful, and respectful. You want to encourage them to come back next time so that the two of you can arrive at some great solutions together.

If you can begin to approach conflict with these five steps, you have not only set the stage to work things out, but to forge deeper, more meaningful relationships and greater outcomes.

Where do you feel you excel in conflict management? And where would you like to be stronger?

Three Ways to Help Your New Employee Execute Well

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Three Ways to Help Your New Employee Execute Well
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Do you sometimes wonder if one of your managers made a mistake with their latest hire?

How can you tell?

The new hire’s transferable skills check out. Their attitude is positive. Team morale is high. And you can clearly tell the new hire is highly engaged and ready to go.

But he or she is not getting the work done.

Why is this?

There’s a handy, quick mental process I like to go through with leaders when they are second-guessing a latest hire.

Is it really the new hire, or is it your management?

Here is how you can tell.

1. Does the new employee show a clear understanding of their role, responsibilities, and your expectations?

Be careful not to downplay this. I have worked with many great companies whose new hires may receive a job description and a desk as their orientation. The manager counts on the team to fill in the blanks for the new person. If your company takes this casual stance, you are losing money and a potentially great employee.

What does the new hire’s manager truly expect of them and their area of responsibility? What are the goals set for them? Timelines? Metrics?

2. Does the new hire have the right tools and resources to do the job?

Again, most leaders will respond with an immediate “yes.” But they are basing this on what they think the employee needs to do the job. Has he or she been asked the question, “What do you need in order to achieve your goals here? Do you have the tools and resources you need?” Just test this. You may be surprised.

3. Has the immediate supervisor developed an accountability system with their new employee?

Can the employee access their immediate supervisor on a regular basis for help and questions? Does he or she get the regular feedback needed so they know they are on track? The opposite is more prevalent than you would hope.

In fact, according to one study by Dresser & Associates, HR, Payroll, and Management Solutions, only 7% of managers and 10% of senior executives in the workforce are held accountable consistently for developing their direct reports through performance management processes.

How do you compare?

How to Pull Your Business Results Out of a Rut

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How to Pull Your Business Results Out of a Rut
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You are a great leader and you treat your people well. You are doing all the right things – coaching and mentoring, teaching people how to solve problems, giving regular feedback… You practice the five daily good management habits we talked about last week (if you missed it, here is the link).

Your employees are happy, and you are well loved. Those who work for you express how fortunate they are – and those who don’t, wish they could.

So why are your business results in a rut?

Five things may be standing in your way. Here is a quick checklist for you and your executive team to use. Where might you be stuck?

1. Do your teams and individual contributors understand how the company vision relates to their area of responsibility?

This seems elementary, and your employees may be able to articulate the vision. After all, it is “front and center” in all your materials, your meetings and retreats. But do they understand how their area of responsibility relates to this vision?

If your staff doesn’t understand why their area of responsibility exists to support the forward motion of the entire enterprise, this needs to be where you start. When people cannot grasp how their individual contributions help to make a difference to the whole, people may be comfortably happy, but they will not have that focused sense of purpose related to the business. Eventually, this disconnect will foster complacency or a lack of motivation that will lull your employee base to under-perform.

2. Do the goals provided to your teams and individual contributors support the company vision, goals, and objectives?

Many a great business has grown quickly and taken on projects and initiatives that may no longer be valid to the goals and objectives you have at present.

I recently worked with an enterprise who asked for my help in increasing productivity and revenue. While performing some due diligence, I discovered that part of the workload assigned to many of their employees was not supporting the direction of the company. This situation occurs often and can be identified and corrected to support higher performance and better results by conducting a yearly work audit using your company’s strategic plan – but that’s another entire article!

3. Do your employees have clear action plans that support their goals?

Has your executive team worked with their reports to outline clear plans of action for the year that relate to meeting goals?

This exercise not only ensures that each employee knows what he or she should be doing to support the company direction, it can also be used as a tool to teach them how to think more strategically, solve problems, and hold themselves accountable (not to mention, a great trust-building exercise).

4. Are the metrics assigned to these goals the ones that matter?

This is where a lot of businesses stall. You need to measure in order to assess progress.

However, too many businesses commit to too many change initiatives at the same time, rendering them overwhelmed and stalled. You may collect a lot of very useful data, then, but won’t do anything with it, wasting time, energy, and money. Consider selecting 1-2 key areas or business approaches that will give you the most return, and work on these until you have incorporated them into your business culture and way of operating. Once you have done this, reassess, decide where next to improve, and repeat the process.

5. Are your employees able to execute well?

Do you have the right staff in place, and are they able to perform well so that the action plans become excellent results?

This is where we go back to the daily management habits of successful leaders (see last week’s article on this, here). Are you providing the right tools and resources for them, and are you operating with mutual trust and accountability? This is where we separate the good from the great – and what I’ll be writing more on, next week.

Where in the five points above, do you and your company excel? And where might you do a better job? I look forward to your comments.

Five Daily Habits for Good Management

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Five Daily Habits for Good Management
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Is your company or team making steady and continuous improvements? Or do you feel like you are throwing darts that keep missing the target?

When you’ve spent serious money on strategies and plans to raise team or company performance and these initiatives don’t stick, it’s time to look in the mirror.

You aren’t alone.

The reported failure of large-scale change programs is approximately 70% (McKinsey and Company). It can be that you or an advisor have selected a program that does not address well the needs of the plant, function, or business. But more often than not, the failure lies with the people – not the program.

If your enterprise isn’t making daily strides, check your personal daily management habits. Because more often than not, this is what is holding things back.

Where are you when you review the following 5 points?

The 5-Point List of Daily Good Management Habits

1. Are you teaching people how to solve problems?

If you are telling others what to do, rather than teaching them how to think so that they can perform on their own, then you are wasting everyone’s time, energy, and money. Do you find yourself consistently providing answers for others, rather than helping them to work out the critical thinking necessary to develop excellent decision-making and autonomy? Shift your mindset and your behavior to empower your team to grow and perform at higher levels for you.

2. Are you creating a physically and emotionally safe environment for people to dialogue with one another?

Let’s face it – it’s probably not your product that is the slowdown problem. It’s the way your people work together. Rate healthy communication and conflict management in your enterprise on a scale of 1-5. Let’s say that 1 indicates silos, a reticence to work things out, chronic unresolved conflict resulting in poor performance. And 5 indicates the high ability to work things out, solve problems together, and a great team and company spirit. Where are you? Less than a 5 means you have a problem area that will slow down your performance targets.

3. Are you celebrating mistakes as points of learning?

If your company culture punishes mistakes, you are stifling creative thinking and innovative results. Learn to differentiate between repetitive blunders that cost the enterprise time and money, and new mistakes made on the trail to your new or improved product or service. Celebrate the latter, recognizing that without striking out to try new things, you will always get the same results you have gotten.

4. Are you focusing on results?

Make sure your action plans, meetings, and regular follow-up reports on these are examining results, pinpointing areas of low performance, and course-correcting. Too often, the status quo within a company creates complacency and a lack of follow-through. Make sure that decisions are made on next steps, and an accountability mechanism is put in place so that momentum is not lost.

5. Are you giving regular feedback and coaching to others?

You’ve placed great confidence in your team, and in the spirit of empowerment, you have allowed them to get out there and make change. But how in touch with them are you as they do this? Don’t mistake abdication for empowerment. Regular coaching and feedback are necessary to nurture your people. Focus on the charge you have given them, supporting them with what they need in order to succeed. Remember to include what they feel is important to their personal and professional development. And don’t avoid the tough stuff. People, first. Results follow.

Are you doing all these things well, but still not getting the results you seek?

Your program’s action plan may be costing you big money. More on this next week.

Three Ways to Assess Your Personal Effectiveness

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Three Ways to Assess Your Personal Effectiveness
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How effective are you?

Things are going well, but you sometimes wonder if you could step up your game – but where to start?

There are three quick ways you can find out.

I recently worked with an executive we will call Sam, who shared that she felt things were going fine. She suspected, however, that she could do better.

“I don’t have anything specific I can put my finger on,” Sam said. “But I’ve been sitting in this chair a long time, and carry out my responsibilities easily. I’m just wondering if I am contributing my best if things run so smoothly.”

“You are wise to check in on this,” I answered.  “Too many executives don’t pause to ask themselves that question. One can easily fall into complacency – and this leads to a rut from which it is difficult to climb. But you are avoiding such a scenario altogether by asking yourself the question, ‘Am I contributing my best?’”

Sam shifted in her chair. “If I’m really honest, I also feel like I’m not growing and learning right now, so that I push the edges of what’s possible for me as a leader. It’s not that I want to change positions or anything like that – it’s just that I wonder if I could be even more effective right where I am. You know – personal growth.”

“Again, great reflection, Sam.” I said. “And there’s much we can do in this arena. But a great place to start is to take a quick assessment of how you are doing. This requires that you be candid with yourself as you go through some careful questioning. And then, if you want a full picture – to see if others have the same perception of your leadership as you do, you will include a few others in this same process.”

“That’s a little daunting,” Sam answered. “But you are probably going to tell me that it is valuable, or you wouldn’t have suggested it.”

“Yes,” I replied. “When we take a careful look at ourselves and assess how we are doing, we are seeing from our lens only. Getting feedback from others helps us to understand how others see us in these same areas. There are often surprises.”

Sam sat back. “You know, I really get that. We have someone here who feels he is a confident and decisive person. But many of us have said that he has a blind spot – that he is actually a poor listener and doesn’t include others in important decisions.”

“Now you are getting it!” I said.

Sam and I worked on some quick questions and process to include others in her mini-assessment. After doing this, she reported some great discoveries that served as the basis for her personal development plan going forward.

How are you doing?

Here are some questions to help you begin your assessment.

Following these questions, I’ve outlined the three ways you can use these. And whether you choose to self-assess, or to include others, it is important to appreciate candor and openness as part of the process, remembering that any feedback you get is valuable to your growth and to your future.

Questions for the Assessment Process

  1. Who am I as leader when I am at my best?
  2. What keeps me from being at my best as a leader?
  3. What do I need more or less of to be at my best as leader?
  4. What do I consider my top strengths?
  5. How do I use these to benefit my work? My team and colleagues? The company?
  6. Where do I see growth opportunities to use more of these strengths in my work?
  7. In what area(s) do I feel there is more personal growth opportunity for me?
  8. How would this enhance my work results? My leadership? How would this benefit my team, colleagues, and the company?
  9. Where in my work do I feel I could be even more effective? Where in my leadership could I do the same?
  10. If I were to work on one thing to be more effective, what would it be? How would this benefit my team? My colleagues? The company?

3 Ways to Assess Your Personal Effectiveness

1. Perform a self-assessment.

Take some time away from the office to sit in a quiet, reflective space. Journal out your answers. Handwriting instead of typing connects the head and heart and will produce deeper, richer results.

2. Have a heart-to-heart discussion with your leader.

Ask her if she will sit with you and answer some questions that will help you to become more effective. Ask her for details or scenarios when you aren’t sure about her answers, or when something isn’t clear to you. It’s important for you to have a clear visual as to when and how you come across in a certain way, or how your results show, so that you can be more aware and manage yourself more effectively.

3. Perform a mini-360° assessment.

Select from those colleagues and reports with whom you work most closely (you may even include a key customer!).

Follow the same process as you do with your leader in #2 above. Select a handful carefully – perhaps 3-5. Be courageous by including those for whom you feel less affinity, or those you fear might be harsh in their feedback. Remember that if one person provides you feedback that is unlike that from the others and does not seem true, you can choose to discount it, or to see this as a growth opportunity to forge a better, closer relationship with that person to test it out.

Once you have gathered your feedback, you will have a rich source of information from which to draw for your personal leadership growth.