Patti Cotton

Executive Coach & Career Strategist

conversation

When Your Executive Can’t Get to the Point

By Leave a Comment

When Your Executive Can’t Get to the Point
Image Credit: Shutterstock

Have you ever had an executive who just can’t seem to get to the point?  It can be an agonizing monologue, and you, as listener, can easily get lost in their narrative.

How do you help them shorten up the time they spend in detail so that you can determine what they need from you?

Tom asked me to work with him on his tolerance levels with key executives. “Specifically, I’m at my wit’s end with John, one of my key executives.”

“I can’t get past his droning narrative,” Tom continued. “It’s as if every conversation he has begins with when he was born and where. Then I start bristling and cut him off. Lately, I’ve noticed him shutting down, and I’m sure it’s because of my reaction. What do I do?”

“John may be a functional communicator*,” I said. “Does he love details and timelines?”

“I don’t know what a functional communicator is, but he thrives on timelines and charts,” Tom answered. “Burying himself in step-by-step guides and combing through details are a mental trip to Disneyland for John. It drives me crazy!”

“And how do you like to get things done, Tom?” I asked.

“Listen, I’m a big-picture thinker,” he responded. “Don’t bog me down with details. Give me a quick overview, and let me ask a few careful questions. That’s how we can move forward quickly.”

“Then I would call you an intuitive communicator, Tom,” I said. “Too many details can seem distracting to you.”

“You aren’t kidding,” Tom said. “My skin starts crawling when we drop below 40,000 feet.”

“Well, Tom, since you say John is great talent, and you want to negotiate a better way of communicating with him, here are four steps you can take with him.”

  1. Let him know you value his contributions.

Tell John he may have noticed you becoming frustrated upon occasion and that you apologize for this. Share that you recognize this is due to your differing communication styles and is no reflection on how you regard his talent or positive impact on the team.

  1. Share your observation about your communication styles.

Note he appears to be a functional communicator. He likes to outline things in a step-by-step way so that nothing is missed and provide details so that someone has full information by the time he is finished presenting. Ask him if this is correct. After listening and confirming, be sure you let him know you appreciate his desire to be thorough. Then, share your communication style with him.  As an intuitive communicator, you appreciate the aerial view. You like the big picture, and details can be distracting to you. You prefer for him to stick to the main topic and allow you to ask follow-up questions. You will then ask him to share other details he feels are relevant after you ask your questions.

  1. Pick a topic and role play.

Experiment with how it would be to communicate in each other’s preferred styles. In other words, after selecting the topic, share first with him, outlining all details and info John might appreciate. Debrief after having done so to see if this is helpful to him. Then, have John try your style with the same topic, identifying the main point in a sentence and its present or potential impact. He will then sit back for questions. Again, debrief.

  1. Practice.

As you meet together, continue to try each other’s styles as you communicate. Ask each other how it is working, and what could go better. Make sure that you don’t treat this as a test, but as experimenting to find the right way for both.

The next time you become frustrated with a colleague’s communication style, ask yourself what would work for you, instead. Then have the conversation with that person and ask them about their experience with you. Do they also need something different, in order to communicate more smoothly? Suggest experimenting such as is outlined above, and see if this doesn’t improve your working relationship and your ability to get things done together.

*Mark Murphy’s 4 Communication Styles, Leadership IQ

The Clockwork of Excellent Leadership:   3 Essential Gears

What makes up excellent leadership? The essential components that go into leadership must all work together, or they begin to wear on one another and bring things to a stop. Learn how to keep them running like clockwork. Sign up to receive the  complimentary infographic.

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Building Your Emotional Intelligence with the Follow-up Question

By Leave a Comment

Building Your Emotional Intelligence with the Follow-up Question
Image Credit: Shutterstock

Like any other key decision-maker, your responsibilities require that you make hundreds of decisions daily. This means you have developed a quick and effective way of getting to the bottom of things (for a quick review on how to make better decisions, read “When Stakes Are High: How to Make Better Decisions”).

There are two reasons, however, that we ask questions – learning (information exchange) and liking (impression management). And overlooking the follow-up question may mean we miss capitalizing on both – and thus lose out on some important emotional intelligence skill-building.

What does emotional intelligence have to do with the follow-up question? And how do you harness the power of this?

Many important tenets of emotional intelligence have to do with relationship management – both with people and with the organization. Some examples of these skills are: empathy, perspective taking, catalyzing change, building bonds and trust, and creating and strengthening team.

If you make time to ask follow-up questions in your conversations and discussions, you strengthen these skills:

1. You gather additional information, fostering your ability to “see” a bigger picture, and the opportunity to widen the scope of your thinking through diverse perspectives; and

2. You demonstrate a willingness to listen to the other person in the conversation, showing active interest in connecting, with the intent to foster open dialogue and to consider new perspectives.

So, what is a powerful follow-up question?

First, the term follow-up is just what it implies – it’s a question that comes after another question.

Second, there are follow-up questions – and follow-up questions. By this, I mean that some are simply a means to an end, and others are door-openers. And it’s the door-openers that are powerful.

What are the traits of powerful follow-up questions?

1. Open-ended. Make sure your question is not a disguised opinion or judgment. For example, if your question starts out with the phrase, “Don’t you think that..,” please refrain. Otherwise, you will have cut off creative conversation and the opportunity to appreciate and acknowledge the perspectives of others.

2. Begin with the word “what” or “how,” rather than “why.” The word “why” is associated with giving an answer to defend one’s position (e.g., “Why did you do that?” “Why did this happen?”). Instead, begin with something like, “Tell me more,” “What’s behind that?” or “How might that work?” This supports open dialogue.

3. Be genuine with the intent to listen and learn. Don’t ask questions unless you are ready to do so – people can spot inauthenticity a mile away, and your efforts will backfire. Part of vibrant leadership is being willing to stretch and grow.

The next time you are brainstorming with others, take the time to ask that second “follow-up” question at various points of your discussion. You’ll reap the benefits of more information, greater participation by others, and connections at a deeper level that foster strong relationships and team.

(Gratitude to Alison Wood Brooks and Leslie K. John for the inspiration of their article, “The Surprising Power of Questions,” Harvard Business Review, May-June 2018 issue.)

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Why We Don’t Have That Critical Conversation

By Leave a Comment

Why We Don’t Have That Critical Conversation
Image Credit: Shutterstock

When was the last time that you looked forward to having a difficult conversation?

Most of us run from confrontation. Consequently, we carry the weight from unresolved conflict and sub-par relationships.

What keeps us from having more emotional courage to confront?

There are 3 top reasons why:

1. You don’t feel safe.

You may feel that the difficult conversation you need to have will place you in a vulnerable position. For example, the person you may need to confront is your boss.

If that person has a history of questioning the motives of the message-bearer and judging them, rather than to focus on the issue and solve it proactively, this will feel unsafe. You will worry about negative repercussions such as branding you, and this will cause you to hesitate clearing the air.

If this is your situation, you will want to weigh the pros and cons of addressing the issue to come to some sort of resolve. If you do not, you will carry the burden of stress and discomfort from an unresolved situation or relationship, which hurts not only you, but all others involved and those around you.

2. You fear loss.

You may feel that by confronting, you will risk being rejected or unloved. If you identify with this, you may have an element of “people pleaser” in you, which requires some work.

People-pleasing weakens the effectiveness of leadership and threatens the integrity of your decision-making.

A first step in realigning this is to change the expectations you hold for yourself. Fact: You cannot please everyone – but you can certainly earn and hold their respect.

As you consider having a difficult conversation, ask yourself what you fear happening most. More likely than not, you will recognize that your base fear is not rational. The chances are slim that the whole world will turn their back on your leadership if you make an unpopular decision.

Ask yourself what positive things you can gain by having the conversation, and identify how this will positively affect your work, life, and others affected by the current negative state – a great start to lifting up emotional courage.

3. You aren’t comfortable with negative emotions.

Human beings don’t like discomfort, and most of us have not been taught the value of negative emotions.

They therefore make us mentally and physically uncomfortable and we seek to avoid them. Instead of this, consider managing them.

Negative emotions are really key indicators that invite you to pay more attention to the situations that have created them. Use these smart and helpful alerts to decipher what about the situation or problem is upsetting. This will help you to widen your lens as you consider solutions.

Where, within these three areas, do you need to strengthen your emotional courage so that you can become more effective in your leadership?

Download the Free Infographic

Fill out the form below and get instant access to the HOW TO RAISE YOUR INFLUENCE IN LESS THAN 5 SECONDS infographic.

Share0
Tweet0
Share0

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Are You Hostage to a Gossiping Leader?

By 2 Comments

Are You Hostage to a Gossiping Leader?
Image Credit: Shutterstock

I can think of few situations worse than to feel as though you are held hostage by a leader who gossips and continues to draw you into the circle.

The power differential between the two of you can make it so that you fear telling them you are uncomfortable talking about others. You may worry about backlash, both short-term and long term.

And with good reason.

At the same time, you feel slimy by sitting and listening. One thing you can count on – if this leader is bad mouthing others to you, he is also bad mouthing you to others.

You can feel trapped and helpless.

But there’s a way to redirect this kind of conversation without making the other person feel affronted.

You can step out of this dynamic in most cases with the following steps:

1. Acknowledge their frustration.

Focus on your leader’s emotion or frustration about the other person’s behavior and attune to this.

Example: Your leader says, “Sally is so irresponsible. I can never count on her to give me an accurate report. Makes us all look bad.”

Here is where you avoid colluding.

Focus on the frustration the leader is feeling and the behavior or results he would want to see instead.

Example: “You sound really frustrated. I guess I’d be frustrated, too, if I felt like I wasn’t getting accurate numbers.”

2. Redirect their attitude to one of problem-solving.

Example: “How you have handled these situations in the past? Is there someone in learning and development who could help train them on this?”

3. Exit the conversation with a closure statement.

In conflict resolution, we would stay, “step out of the triangle” (conflict) so that you are no longer a part of it.

Here’s an example of a closure-to-exit statement:

“It sounds like you’ve figured out how to get the results you want. That’s great!”

Or, “It sounds like there might be room to explore how to train people in situations like that.”

By taking this three-step approach, you have effectively stepped out of a toxic situation.

If your leader cannot take a hint after you repeat this process a couple of times, then it’s time to reevaluate if this is someone for whom you can work. Your life and career are too short to give in to toxicity.

HOW MUCH

DO OTHERS REALLY TRUST YOU?

​Learn the two vital parts to trust and how they can help you become a more highly effective leader.

GET THE INFOGRAPHIC

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

How to Botch a Critical Conversation: A Brief Checklist

By Leave a Comment

How to Botch a Critical Conversation: A Brief Checklist
Image Credit: Shutterstock

All of us have walked away at least once in our lives from a conversation, saying, “Boy, I really blew that one!”

But a lot of times, we do it without realizing it.

What should you watch for, so that you can head off disaster?

If you find yourself in a conversation with any of the following thoughts or behaviors…think again!

  1. They can’t tell you anything you don’t already know.

    You have crowned yourself the Knowledge Expert on this topic. You are comfortable allowing the other person to speak, although you may find you want to interrupt frequently. After all, once they receive the wealth of information you hold, they will see the light. Right?

  2. Assume you know best.

    This is somewhat different than #1 – you may not have all the information, but you consider yourself a wise individual who will gather the information from your conversation partner, and then decide what should be done with it, tell the other person what to do. Hmmm…

  3. This is a chance to get your personal agenda passed.

    You get excited, realizing you can work this particular conversation around to something you need personally. It may be a decision, a favor, or something else – but you are ready to be a willing listener and supporter so that you can work this around to your own goal. It’s okay if the conversation goes a bit off topic if it leads to yours.

  4. Don’t ask questions.

    Assume you have enough information from your conversation partner, during the first round in the discussion, to make an informed decision. Further, you can guess what they are going to say, and you are busy formulating your answer while they are still speaking. Ugh.

  5. Ask too many questions.

    Here, you’ve determined you know what the topic is, and you zero in on the details “rapid-fire” style while the other person is still attempting to share. You figure you appear interested, so you continue your interrogation. Do you wonder why people abandon their conversations with you before finishing? Hmmm…

Do you or someone you know identify with any of these? If so, it’s time to do some “deep listening.” Conversation is much more enjoyable when you realize that you not only don’t know all there is to know about a subject, but that your conversation partner can bring valuable, new things to the table that can widen your perspective and open up new vistas for you.

Want to know more about deep listening?

Download the Free Infographic

Fill out the form below and get instant access to the HOW TO RAISE YOUR INFLUENCE IN LESS THAN 5 SECONDS infographic.

Share0
Tweet0
Share0