Patti Cotton

Executive Coach & Career Strategist

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Asking for a Favor Can be a Powerful Tool

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Asking for a Favor Can be a Powerful Tool
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Do you hesitate to ask for a favor when you know you already need a bigger one from that same person?

You’d be surprised that this is indeed the best time to ask!

And it’s especially helpful as you seek to influence that person toward a larger, more important goal.

Does that feel counter-intuitive? Many say it does.

Yet, Benjamin Franklin proved that when you ask someone for a favor, this person will be actually more predisposed to do another one for you!

To quote Mr. Franklin, “He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.’’

And he proved this by successfully testing out the theory to earn favor among high-ranking members of Philadelphia’s General Assembly.

Specifically, the story is told that while Franklin was running for reappointment as Clerk of the Assembly, a new, influential member ardently argued for a different candidate. Franklin saw this passion and wanted it for his own advocacy, instead.

So when he learned that this new member had a rare book collection, Franklin approached him and asked to borrow one of the most valuable books. The member agreed, Franklin quickly read the book and returned it.

The next time the two gentlemen met, the new member initiated a conversation with Franklin and offered his help on anything Franklin might need in the future. Guess what Franklin asked of him? You guessed it. And he got it. The new member not only advocated for Franklin, but they developed a influential relationship from there that lasted until the second gentleman’s death.

In social psychology, we now call this the “Ben Franklin Effect.” It’s a powerful tool to develop supportive relationships and to curry influence.

In the workforce, we see the Ben Franklin Effect work successfully in many situations.

First, if you are seeking a position, asking for an informational interview to learn more about the field, asking questions about trends in the industry, or seeking other advice usually results in the other person wanting to help you find a job.

In sales, you may want to ask the potential client about where they think the market is headed, or what product benefits they find most powerful or valuable.

And certainly, Frank could have used this with John (see the first article of this series where Frank blows the entire multi-million dollar deal with John because of his poor approach – click here).

With whom do you need more influence at this time? What favor can you ask of them in order to develop a closer, more fruitful relationship that can serve you both in future?

What impact are you having in life and business?
Click below to take the complimentary Impact Assessment.

TAKE THE IMPACT ASSESSMENThttp://inspireinfluenceimpactquiz.com/

Influence as a Full Contact Sport

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Influence as a Full Contact Sport
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Do you remember making a giant cannonball in the deep end of the pool? That hot sun hitting your face as you ran fast to leap into the air as high as you could?

And that beautiful reward! That magic moment when you, as a human cannonball, hit that icy water to make that huge and glorious splash!

Ahhh….

That’s what I call “full contact”! Just like soccer or basketball, cannonballs require that you use your mind, spirit, and body to make big things happen.

What in the world do cannonballs and “full contact” sports have to do with increasing your influence?

Influence is also a full-contact sport.

Influence is not achieved by just relating well or being popular. And it isn’t accomplished if you only use the right words or focus on making your case the “right one.”

We previously talked about the importance of first making an emotional connection with others as you seek to influence. (If you missed it, click here).

As you make your emotional connection, you want to be “full on,” using your body as part of making your case. This means using appropriate body and eye contact.

Let’s talk eye contact, first.

Here are some types of eye contact “blunderers” who defeat their own case before they present it:

  1. The Wanderer, or, “I am looking for my point somewhere in the room.” You’ve probably encountered someone like this. While talking, their eyes and head travel around the room as though looking for an answer of some kind, or as though they are trying to locate the point they actually want to make with you. Distracting! And it says, “I am not sure about what I am presenting, here.”
  2. The Mad Hatter, or, “I’m late and preoccupied with everything but you.” This doesn’t need much explanation. I once had a boss that fiddled with his texts, looked at his computer screen, and answered the phone – all while talking to me. Message? “I’m not with you – and I’m not with anyone else. Just keep talking and I’ll keep ignoring you.” Ineffective, to say the least, and “rude” is the word that really comes to mind.
  3. The Auger, or, “I may become a hypnotist in my next chapter.” This person seems to want to see through your head, when in fact, they have probably just read an article that tells them to maintain eye contact. Maintaining eye contact is not obsessively staring into someone’s eyes.
  4. The Obsessed, or, “That imaginary spot on your shirt is fascinating.” I have been present when some people have said to others, “Hey, my eyes are up here!” Staring at something on a person’s head, shirt, or anywhere else besides their eyes is disconcerting.
  5. The Selfie Artist, or, “I love to hear myself talking.” Here, the person is staring off into space while dominating the conversation. It’s as if she loves to hear the sound of her own voice and doesn’t need anyone else in the room. Frustrating – and off-putting.

You can probably think of more ineffective eye contact styles!

Here are some basic rules of thumb for good eye contact, which tells your listener that you are engaged, present, and interested:

  • Establish eye contact right away.

This sends the message that you are fully present with the other person, and not preoccupied with other things. There’s nothing more counter-productive in a conversation – especially one destined to influence – than looking all around or continually glancing at your phone or watch, which says, “I really don’t want to be here.”

  • Hold eye contact for 4-5 seconds at a time while conversing.

Riveting your eyes on the other person, no matter what is happening, can look and feel artificial and uncomfortable. You can break a “stare” by occasionally looking down or over from your conversation partner and then resume eye contact.

  • Soften a potential stare.

Feel strange looking straight into the other person’s eyes? Try this trick: look at the outer edge of one of your conversation partner’s eye’s iris. This can help you to be more at ease and will still have the appearance of direct eye contact without staring.

And now, a word about the rest of the body language!

Here’s a very brief checklist for success:

  1. Is your body turned toward and leaning in slightly toward the other person? This says, “I’m interested and engaged.”
  2. Are your arms open and hands uncurled (as opposed to crossed arms and tightened fists!)?
  3. Standing? Stand with feet aligned under shoulders.
  4. Sitting? Feet on the floor, and not tucked under your chair. Hands and forearms loosely apart on the table in front of you, or if no table, hands lightly resting on the armrests or just above your knees.
  5. Head and eyes to the horizon! A downward-cast head angle says, “I’m not confident or sure.” An upward-swing of the head that shows the underside of your chin says, “I’m hot stuff – and I’m not sure you are!”

Again, there are more refinements for best body language, but the 5 points above should get you headed in the right direction.

In sum, if you want to have more influence with others, tell them at every interaction that you are eager, interested, and engaged with them as human beings. Make this genuine, and make it a practice – it will pay off!

In our next “chapterette” about how to gain more influence, we will be talking about asking for favors. This may seem counter-intuitive, but asking for a favor can actually predispose others to want to help you more.

Stay tuned!

What impact are you having in life and business?
Click below to take the complimentary Impact Assessment.

TAKE THE IMPACT ASSESSMENThttp://inspireinfluenceimpactquiz.com/

Are You Sure You Want to Be a Leader?

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Are You Sure You Want to Be a Leader?
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3 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Commit

What do you need in order to become a leader? And are you sure you really want to be one?

If you are reading this, I imagine you’ve already weighed the pros and cons, and the argument for at least considering the possibility has won.

As an executive coach, I work with decision-makers who lead. These people quite often have substantial areas of responsibility, and they work with me to become even more effective as they seek to do great things.

As we begin our work, I explain to my clients that our work will be 3-pronged. In other words, there are three things we need work with in order to accomplish their goals. You see, the human being is an intricate system, and the major parts of this system must work together closely to accomplish any significant change.

So, if you and I were having coffee together right now, and you told me that your goal was to become a leader, or a more effective one, I would tell you that we are going to assess the following three parts of you to identify what you need to shift in order to get there:

  1. Your mindset
  2. Your actions
  3. Your behaviors

Allow me to set the stage by giving an definition of these three, even though they appear self-explanatory (thanks for indulging me!).

Mindset is not how your physical brain works – it’s how you use your brain to formulate thoughts, synthesize information, define your beliefs, your attitude, and thus, your approach to the world. Mindset drives your desires, your motivation, and your picture of “what’s possible.”

Example: Sonni has managed people for many years, and she believes she can lead the company. She desires to do so, and decides to take the steps necessary to move up this career path. She has weighed her desire against her safety and decided that she won’t get fired or other disastrous consequences. So far, so good. Sonni has asked herself, “What’s possible?”

Actions are those movements, that energetic activity you undertake, once decide to “do something.” These are driven by your desires and your motivation. Your actions are confined to what you believe is possible, what is comfortable, and what is safe (thus dictated by mindset). Even if your mindset says that something is possible, your behaviors may thwart the success of your actions.

Example: Back to Sonni…because of her desire to move up into leadership, she decides to take the action of asking her CEO to be considered for the leadership succession plan. It has taken a lot of courage to get to this point, but her mindset has opened the gate for her to ask. So far, so good. Sonni has taken the action she needs in order to register her desire and be considered.

Behaviors are how you react to internal or external stimuli in various circumstances. These behaviors are exhibited after your mind assesses your desires versus your safety. Safety always wins.

Example: Sonni’s CEO tells her she has a lot of work to do if she wants to be considered for the leadership succession plan. Frankly, her CEO shares, Sonni isn’t seen as CEO material and this comment comes as a surprise. The CEO explains that Sonni doesn’t show the kinds of behaviors needed for leadership – collaboration, building trust, strong presence, influence. And a few other things. Sonni retreats to her desk. She now has a choice – to tell herself she really doesn’t have what it takes (that dastardly doubt that mindset brings when negative emotions threaten its safety) – or to ask herself “What’s possible?” while remaining safe, to shift the necessary behaviors in order to be considered for higher leadership in the company’s succession planning.

Now back to you, and those three questions to ask yourself before you commit.

  1. Does your mindset need to explore what else is possible, or to strengthen belief in your own abilities and potential?
  2. Do your actions tell the world that you are actually showing up as a leader?
  3. Do your behaviors reflect who you want to become?

Which of these three areas do you need to shift in order to become a leader – or a better one?

What impact are you having in life and business?
Click below to take the complimentary Impact Assessment.

TAKE THE IMPACT ASSESSMENThttp://inspireinfluenceimpactquiz.com/

5 Tips to Mentor Your First-Time Manager

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How to Help Your New Manager Show Who is Boss

Mentoring Others to Take Charge

Your new manager is a talented individual. If they were not, you would not have hired them. Even though a new manager has excelled in their previous position, they may not yet have acquired the skills of managing people to meet success in the new role.

If you don’t jump in to provide mentoring and guidance, you’ll be losing much more than face. Around 60% of new managers fail. And you’ll recall that when a new manager does not work out, you will lose an average of 6-9 months of their salary in replacing them (recruitment, training, team productivity, and more), as well as a lot of time and energy. This means that if your person is making $40,000 per year, you will lose between $20,000-$30,000 in the process.

This is a much bigger ticket than investing in some sound managerial training for new managers, which usually costs around $2,000.00.

I have heard from many who tell me of their bad experiences with supervising new promotions. One of the top concerns you’ve expressed is how to help new managers adjust to managing people by displaying authority in an effective way.

How do you help your new manager learn to show how to lead – the right way?

Leaders have reported seeing some pretty sad and frustrating behaviors as the new manager attempts to assert their role – all the way from apologetic language and cloudy directives to arrogance and micro-managerial tones and approaches. Many new promotions want to assure their team members that they are still friends. Others feel they need to divorce themselves from the pack to lead. Neither is right. And the fallout from either approach is severe.

Learning to manage people takes time and experience.

Here is a 5-step checklist you can use to help your new manager to begin, and to reflect a healthier way of showing authority:

1. Teach them to set clear expectations.

As the leader, you have no doubt drawn up an action plan for the department with goals, measurables, and key milestones. Ask your new manager to review this, and to define expectations for their reports. Have them work with you to do this a few times so that they receive the benefit of your coaching. Helping a new manager go through this exercise will flex their ability to see the large picture and the moving pieces that help to compose it. It will also give you a sense of where they will need additional support as they gain greater understanding.

2. Teach them to be proactive.

Talk to them about setting up regular meetings with each of their reports to review expectations and to set up a system for each to report back to them on a regular basis. This one move will help to minimize the tendency for the new manager to micromanage since they will know when to expect the reports, and will also allow a private forum in which they can explore with team members what motivates each, how they can best lead, and to answer any concerns or questions.

3. Teach them to deal with conflict in a timely manner.

Conflict should not be allowed to take over, or it will decimate the department. It must be addressed in a timely manner, and your new manager needs to learn to handle it well by separating out emotions, stories, and issues. Further, what seems to be an issue may really be a symptom. For more on how to get to the real issue and help them develop their problem-solving skills, see the article “Taking Your Problem-Solving from Good to Great: The Missing Step.”

4. Teach them to be even-handed.

Help them to be fair in the way they deal with requests such as raises, bonuses, additional resources, and other perks. Show them how to evaluate requests by leaning on policy, procedure, and performance. This will help them to avoid team members who beg favoritism based on past relationships or future promises. It will also help them to support their decisions as they provide these opportunities to those who merit them.

5. Teach them to role model leadership.

They may not know it yet, but everyone is watching. Your new manager got the promotion, and others are curious to see whether they deserve it. They are wondering whether they can trust following them based on what they see in their decisions and actions. Is your new manager coming in late because they are now salaried and feel they have a license? When they have their lunch with the same team members on most days, does this send the wrong message to others? These are things we as leaders know will inhibit our ability to be trusted. A new manager should have that judgment, but some still need the guidance.

Think back to your earlier days when you were a new manager. What was the best advice you received that helped you establish success?

What impact are you having in life and business?
Click below to take the complimentary Impact Assessment.

TAKE THE IMPACT ASSESSMENThttp://inspireinfluenceimpactquiz.com/

Patti Cotton helps executives optimize their effectiveness in leading self, others, and the enterprise. Her areas of focus include confidence, leadership style, executive presence, effective communication, succession planning, and masterful execution. With over 25 years of leadership experience, both stateside and abroad, Patti works with individuals, teams, and organizations across industries, providing executive coaching, leadership development, succession planning, change, and conflict management. She is also a Fortune 500 speaker. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

When Leadership Abdicates the Throne

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When Leadership Abdicates the Throne

Most know the romantic short version of the story of King Edward VIII and American socialite divorcée Wallis “Wally” Simpson. The young king gave up the throne so that he could marry and spend the rest of his life with his love.

The longer version of this story is seldom discussed, and it’s not quite as romantic. In fact, the situation was fraught with tangled and tawdry conflicts up from the time they met until the end of the couple’s lives.

The history books recount Edward publicly showering Wally with jewels and lavish vacations, and upon becoming king, continuing to consort with the still-married Wally, creating scandal and confusion touching not only his own family, but also the government and the United Kingdom. Even after abdicating the throne, Edward and Wally continued to flirt and fraternize with risky and dangerous relationships and situations, including heavy indicators that they supported Adolf Hitler and his efforts.

What does this wild situation have to do with leadership in the workplace?

Whether Edward should have left the throne for the woman he loved is not in judgment. Rather, it is the way he went about things – poor focus, direction, and execution. This resulted in a loss of trust and support by his inner circle and his country, and a challenging life after leaving the throne.

It’s when you’ve lost the trust and support of your people that it’s “game over.”

What does leadership abdication look like in the workplace?

It may be more subtle than stepping down from a royal throne, but it’s just as damaging.

Here are some styles of those at the top who may or may not be physically present, but who abdicate their responsibility as leaders.

Through poor behaviors and approaches, these hurt the morale, and productivity of those around them. Teams silo. Key talent leaves. Confusion reigns. The bottom line suffers. Do you or anyone you know have a boss like one of these? Or, as a leader, do you identify with any of these traits in your own leadership or in that of your team?

  • Jan, the Benevolent Dictator.

The Benevolent Dictator is the proverbial maternal/paternal figure, who keeps a tight rein on everyone. As a report, you aren’t always sure what you are supposed to do until you get directives from Jan – what to do, how to do them – and then Jan will check with you frequently to make sure you are doing what she told you to do. Sometimes she will even change her mind about what she tells you to do so that you have to change direction in the middle of a process. In short, the micro-manager extraordinaire, Jan may have you in her office several times weekly to tell you when to turn right or left. Is it any surprise that Jan doesn’t have her team operate from an action plan that empowers them and allows them to move forward on their own? In addition, chances are, your job description is “in the pile to update,” and so is your raise. Good luck with that.

  • Sam, the Disappearing Act.

Sam likes for you to take over while he disappears. In the beginning, it was pretty exciting to have so much leeway with what and how you run your area of responsibility. But then, you began to catch on – Sam reappears at the oddest times, parachuting into the middle of your projects and decisions. He questions what and why you are doing what you are doing. He changes things. It’s pretty frustrating, and you can lose credibility with others when he does this. Feel like a yo-yo?  You are. You’ve probably been promised a promotion for some time, and it’s overdue. If you could just get some time with Sam to discuss – but then, everyone else is lining up with questions, too. Because there are some critical, time-sensitive decisions that have been waiting for his endorsement – and he hasn’t been around to answer them until right now. Catch him quickly! Because, when you least expect it, Sam will be out the door, again.

  • Julia, the Decision-Adverse Boss.

Julia is famous for bringing enough of her homemade strawberry pie into the office for everyone to have a slice. She knows the names of all your kids and pets. She plans the best staff retreats. But it never seems like the right time to get a decision on critical items from Julia. “Let me mull this over,” and “That’s a great idea – let’s put it on our list,” are two of her favorite responses to your queries. Face it – you just can’t move forward with some of your initiatives without her help. You get the feeling that she cares about some things – just not about getting the work done. So forget your goals. Have another slice of pie. P.S. You’d better hope that when evaluation time comes around, she doesn’t blame you for poor performance.

  • Jim, the Easter Bunny.

Jim loves everyone, and everyone (seems?) to love him. He thrives on being liked, and it’s because of this that he refuses to do the right thing. Jim doesn’t want anyone to think he is playing favorites. Consequently, he hands projects and opportunities out like candy, and when one person gets a raise, everyone gets one. You can imagine with this kind of distribution that the remuneration is modest. You’ll hear things like, “Well, let’s see, you say you are doing twice the work that old Bernie is, and that you have twice as many reports, and twice as much revenue to generate as he does. But, you know, Bernie has been with us for 25 years, now. We wouldn’t want him to get the wrong impression, would we? So let’s just hold that promotion idea until we can come up with something for him, too. Maybe we can take it up with the team tomorrow.”  Just a word, here, but you’ve probably already guessed it:  Tomorrow never comes.

  • Mark, the Candy Man.

Who’s a good girl or boy? I’ll tell you who – it’s whoever is favored at the moment. Feel like you are favored? Try as you might, you won’t find out why you are loved at the moment, so you just hope you keep doing whatever it is keeps you on the boss’ good side. On the other hand, do you feel like the boss is spanking you for something and you don’t know why? Chances are you won’t find that out, either. You may not have done anything wrong, but the boss will deny any unfair treatment when you ask about it. Meanwhile, you feel like you are continually shut down – your ideas, the way you do things. Tired of playing with crazy? Time to think about alternatives.

There are so many ways of abdicating one’s responsibility in leadership. But no matter what style or behavior it is that holds someone back from leading, it always winds up damaging self, others, and the enterprise.

What poor style of leadership have you witnessed or heard about in the past?

Curious about your strengths in leadership?
Click below to take the Impact Assessment.

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Patti Cotton is a CEO and former foreign diplomat. A sixth generation business owner, Patti not only coaches leaders – she has extensive experience in actually being one. Her experience, record of unprecedented success, and extensive training and certifications make her uniquely qualified to bring value to you and your team in the areas of leading self, leading others, and leading the enterprise.

Patti’s areas of focus include leadership and talent development, with specialization in leadership behavior and communication, conflict management, executive presence, succession planning, and strategic personal, leadership, and organizational growth.

With over 25 years of proven leadership experience, Patti works with individuals, teams, and organizations across diverse industries. As an executive coach, trainer, and Fortune 500 speaker, she will inspire, influence, and impact your organizational leaders to reach new heights of success in their personal and professional growth, and to improve performance across your organization.

For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.