How We Kill Our Own Confidence

Outcomes from a recent study at UC Berkeley clearly indicate that confidence outweighs competence when it comes to getting the business, the promotion, the sale, or the recognition! Are you surprised?

It is confidence that sways people. At the same time, we give confidence undue weight. We may respect more highly the people who project it than those who are actually more qualified.

What does this mean? It is the confident person who is able to get the attention of others and to influence change.

It’s more often the person who has more confidence who gets the attention, the respect, the job, or the sale.  When we aren’t confident, others don’t listen to us as well. We don’t get chosen as often. We aren’t considered for the opportunity. We aren’t handed the project. We aren’t invited to the inner circle. We watch opportunities slip by while we stand still.

As we stand on the sidelines, it becomes more difficult to envision possibilities. This is because we lose sight of goals and stop reaching, if we can’t vision more potential. The cycle of confidence erosion begins – lack of belief in one’s abilities, nurtured over time, erodes the confidence we DO possess.

We begin to tell ourselves stories that aren’t true. “Maybe I don’t have what it takes to lead.” “Guess I’m not ready for that promotion.” “Maybe I am just right where I am supposed to be.” “I probably don’t deserve a better relationship…” There are lots of stories we tell ourselves in an effort to reconcile why we don’t step up and ask for more, why we don’t project that confidence that says, “I deserve this, and I am going to get it!”

When we tell ourselves these stories, we behave accordingly and actually keep a lid on the confidence we could have. Here’s what I mean: we apologize for ourselves with our language and with our bodies. We tell others that we should be discounted, that they should not pay attention to us, that we should be left alone. Others hear us and treat us, accordingly.

What are the two biggest ways we tell ourselves – and others – not to have confidence in us.

Verbal language and body language.

Here’s a quick check for you to see how you might be keeping a lid on your confidence, and asking others to do the same:

Check yourself to see if you use apologetic or self-deprecating phrases in your conversations. Here are some of those:

• “I’m not an expert, but…”
• “Well, you probably know better than I, but…”
• “I’m not sure I know how I feel about this, but…
• “I guess my question is…”
• “I don’t know anything about financial reports, but…”

Then, observe yourself in conversations or in meetings, to see how you are sitting or standing. Are you doing any of the following?

• Fidgeting
• Shuffling papers
• Doodling
• Head down, no eye contact or wandering eyes
• Feet tucked under chair
• Arms folded, or placing and replacing them in different positions

I bet you can think of more! All of these things say, “I am uncomfortable with myself, or lack confidence.”

The good thing is, these are simple changes! I challenge you to pick just one, if you have identified yours, and begin to eliminate it.

To your success!