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Outcomes from a recent study at UC Berkeley clearly indicate that confidence outweighs competence when it comes to getting the business, the promotion, the sale, or the recognition! Are you surprised?

It is confidence that sways people. At the same time, we give confidence undue weight. We may respect more highly the people who project it than those who are actually more qualified.

What does this mean? It is the confident person who is able to get the attention of others and to influence change.

It’s more often the person who has more confidence who gets the attention, the respect, the job, or the sale.  When we aren’t confident, others don’t listen to us as well. We don’t get chosen as often. We aren’t considered for the opportunity. We aren’t handed the project. We aren’t invited to the inner circle. We watch opportunities slip by while we stand still.

As we stand on the sidelines, it becomes more difficult to envision possibilities. This is because we lose sight of goals and stop reaching, if we can’t vision more potential. The cycle of confidence erosion begins – lack of belief in one’s abilities, nurtured over time, erodes the confidence we DO possess.

We begin to tell ourselves stories that aren’t true. “Maybe I don’t have what it takes to lead.” “Guess I’m not ready for that promotion.” “Maybe I am just right where I am supposed to be.” “I probably don’t deserve a better relationship…” There are lots of stories we tell ourselves in an effort to reconcile why we don’t step up and ask for more, why we don’t project that confidence that says, “I deserve this, and I am going to get it!”

When we tell ourselves these stories, we behave accordingly and actually keep a lid on the confidence we could have. Here’s what I mean: we apologize for ourselves with our language and with our bodies. We tell others that we should be discounted, that they should not pay attention to us, that we should be left alone. Others hear us and treat us, accordingly.

What are the two biggest ways we tell ourselves – and others – not to have confidence in us.

Verbal language and body language.

Here’s a quick check for you to see how you might be keeping a lid on your confidence, and asking others to do the same:

Check yourself to see if you use apologetic or self-deprecating phrases in your conversations. Here are some of those:

• “I’m not an expert, but…”
• “Well, you probably know better than I, but…”
• “I’m not sure I know how I feel about this, but…
• “I guess my question is…”
• “I don’t know anything about financial reports, but…”

Then, observe yourself in conversations or in meetings, to see how you are sitting or standing. Are you doing any of the following?

• Fidgeting
• Shuffling papers
• Doodling
• Head down, no eye contact or wandering eyes
• Feet tucked under chair
• Arms folded, or placing and replacing them in different positions

I bet you can think of more! All of these things say, “I am uncomfortable with myself, or lack confidence.”

The good thing is, these are simple changes! I challenge you to pick just one, if you have identified yours, and begin to eliminate it.

To your success!

In my work with accomplished professionals, most will tell me that they do not have a victim mindset. Yet, as we begin coaching, I often discover in the very first conversation that they are harboring such an approach in at least one area of their life or work.  How can I tell?  Language.

A victim mindset is one that says, “I can’t help what is happening to me.  I am not in control.”  Contextually, this can mean self-talk in business such as, “I must not be part of the inner circle – I’m never invited to the golf morning.”  Or, “My competitor has more marketing budget to spend – I can’t compete with that.”  At home, it can look like, “I never have enough time to spend with family,” or  “Someday, I am going to put away enough so that I can take that vacation.”

If you are using any of the following phrases in your vocabulary on a regular basis, you may have fallen prey to this victim mindset (these are not inclusive – but a great beginning!):

If only…

1. I wish…
2. I never…
3. I always…
4. I can’t…
5. I should…

What each of these phrases implies is that you are not in control of the situation. But we are in control of ourselves. And this makes all the difference!

A brief story to illustrate this… 

Bob first came to me because he recognized his leadership needed a booster shot.  “I know I could communicate better – and I want to learn how to do this.”  Not an uncommon scenario amongst even the best of leaders, I assured him.  And we sat down to dive deep.

However, when we talked about taking the time to meet with each of his senior staff members once monthly to build rapport and to practice some deep listening, Bob erupted.  “I can’t do that!” he exclaimed.  “That would take hours out of my schedule.  You don’t understand – we are under fire, here!  There are impossible deadlines to meet – I don’t have the time!”

We had a great discussion about priorities at that point.  How much was he willing to adjust in order to step into greater leadership through better communication?  We weighed the pros and cons – and Bob agreed to have me help him examine ways he could carve out time to meet with senior staff as part of the process.

And here is what we discovered:  Bob was doing a lot of managing instead of leading.  He was accepting some responsibilities and activities that should be delegated to staff.  With careful assessment, we were able to have Bob delegate, and to focus much more time on empowering senior staff to do well.  Of course, this allowed him to spend more time with them and to work on his communication skills.

The upswing?  Everybody won.

How about you?  Do you find yourself using any of those victim-like phrases described above?  Keep a notepad around and jot down where this is showing up.  Then, pretend you are a friend looking in.  How might you counsel yourself?  What are some different ways of approaching the situation?

To your success!