Patti Cotton

Executive Coach & Career Strategist

Trust

Keeping Your Cool with Difficult Personalities

By Leave a Comment

Keeping Your Cool with Difficult Personalities
Image Credit: Shutterstock

I admit to having certain hot buttons that, when pushed, really test my ability to keep my cool.

How do you remain calm, focused, and even-handed when someone is triggering yours?

You need three things to stay cool when your buttons are pushed.

  1. Know your hot buttons.

Here is a comprehensive list of hot buttons and explanations that are part of the Conflict Dynamics Profile I use to coach team conflict.

    • Unreliable – those who are unreliable, miss deadlines, cannot be counted on
    • Overly-analytical – those who are perfectionists, over-analyze things. and focus too much on minor issues
    • Unappreciative – those who fail to give credit to others or seldom praise good performance
    • Aloof – those who isolate themselves, do not seek input from others, or are hard to approach
    • Micro-managing – those who constantly monitor and check up on the work of others
    • Self-centered – those who are self-centered or believe they are always correct
    • Abrasive – those who are arrogant, sarcastic, and abrasive
    • Untrustworthy – those who exploit others, take underserved credit, or cannot be trusted
    • Hostile – those who lose their tempers, become angry inappropriately, yell at others

Which of these are your hot buttons?

In order to tame them, you must recognize them first.

  1. Take a moment to ward off flooding.

Emotions rise when we are triggered, and we can experience what is called “flooding.” This is another term for overwhelm, during which the stress hormones adrenalin and cortisol flood the nervous system and put us in a state of fight or flight.

The problem with flooding is that it influences our thought patterns and the way we see others. Poor thinking and reactions ensue. Science tells us that it requires around 20 minutes or more for flooding to dissipate – and in some situations, you may not be able to afford such a pause.

How do you get in front of this? 

    • Sharpen your awareness around early trigger signs before it becomes a problem.

If you recognize one of your hot buttons has just been pushed, take three deep breaths (literally!), relax your shoulders, and pause. Identify the physical sensations you are experiencing as a result of the trigger. Where do you feel tense or weight? Is your heart rate elevating? Name these as you piece them out as a way to separate them from you. Continue slow and easy breathing to calm these sensations down.

    • What emotions are you experiencing?

Remind yourself that these are separate from the actual issue at hand. If you are in a “hot state” and you can’t regulate this, you will continue to encourage the flooding process.

    • End the conversation if you recognize you are flooded.

Tell the other person you will need to take a break and come back a bit later to continue the conversation. Go for a walk, if possible, and as you piece out and calm down your emotions and physical sensations, refocus to the actual issue at hand. What conversation is needed to resolve the interaction? 

  1. Train yourself to redirect natural impulses to react.

In a calm and reflective state in which there is no triggering situation at hand, review your list of hot buttons.

For each, recall how you normally react when it has been activated. Now, imagine how you would like to respond to it in future. Rewrite 1-2 instances where this hot button has been pushed in the past. Now, in the place of the reaction you had to the situation, visualize yourself responding in the ideal way you have envisioned.

Run this through your mind several times to create a brain “memory.” As you do this over time, your brain will begin to recall this as an established pattern and move toward it in situations where you are triggered.

What is the stress from reacting to triggers costing you?

If you are like most, the list can include your ability to make good decisions, enjoy healthy and productive relationships, your ability to lead, and ultimately, your health. I challenge you to learn how manage yourself in a more effective way by mastering your hot buttons.

HOW MUCH

DO OTHERS REALLY TRUST YOU?

​Learn the two vital parts to trust and how they can help you become a more highly effective leader.

GET THE INFOGRAPHIC

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Three Micro-Connections to Increase Positive Team Culture

By 1 Comment

Three Micro-Connections to Increase Positive Team Culture
Image Credit: Shutterstock

Human beings need connection.

The workplace suffers from a lack of it, due to the demands and pace of the work at hand. Virtual and semi-virtual teams are hit harder than those who occupy the same physical space.

Suggestions such as more team building and socials fall flat. They not only require time from busy schedules, they are often impractical, sporadic connections; and, thus, are not enough to build bonds and trust.

Without bonds and trust – the results of human connection – your team will experience lowered engagement, minimized trust, and a lack of commitment (and you know the kinds of things that come from that!).

How can you rectify this?

The five-minute morning huddle, whether in-person or virtual, is a good start. However, grouping to communicate and keep each other informed does not satisfy the deeper hunger to connect.

Three Micro-Connections

The good news is that there are three micro-connections you and your team can immediately adopt that will strengthen powerful human connection, and which require no more time on anyone’s part.

These micro-connects, when not incorporated into your behaviors, are actually the first things to suffer in a fast-paced work environment. Check yourself on how well you are doing with them now – and seek to increase them in all your interactions.

Here they are:

  1. Increase your eye contact.

When you are in a conversation with others, do you find your eyes wander? Be intentional about your eye contact with the other person. Becoming comfortable with eye contact is a first important step to connecting on a deeper level. It says, “I recognize you. I’m present and paying attention to you.”

  1. Monitor your tone of voice.

Do your tone of voice and pace of your words reflect stress or hurry? If so, you are implicitly communicating that you don’t have time for the person on the other end of the conversation. Take quiet stock of this the next time you speak with people, especially when on the phone.

  1. Begin each conversation with a personal connection before diving into business.

Take 30 seconds to a minute and ask the other team member how they are, how the week is going, or another personal “connection” that shows you care about them as a human being. Re-establish connection before diving into the agenda at hand. This is a big one for most busy executives – and a big “miss” if they don’t incorporate it.

These three micro-connections will support a more positive, caring team culture that says, “You belong. You are important.”

They bring meaningful validation, which is something we all seek.

HOW MUCH

DO OTHERS REALLY TRUST YOU?

​Learn the two vital parts to trust and how they can help you become a more highly effective leader.

GET THE INFOGRAPHIC

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Why We Don’t Have That Critical Conversation

By Leave a Comment

Why We Don’t Have That Critical Conversation
Image Credit: Shutterstock

When was the last time that you looked forward to having a difficult conversation?

Most of us run from confrontation. Consequently, we carry the weight from unresolved conflict and sub-par relationships.

What keeps us from having more emotional courage to confront?

There are 3 top reasons why:

1. You don’t feel safe.

You may feel that the difficult conversation you need to have will place you in a vulnerable position. For example, the person you may need to confront is your boss.

If that person has a history of questioning the motives of the message-bearer and judging them, rather than to focus on the issue and solve it proactively, this will feel unsafe. You will worry about negative repercussions such as branding you, and this will cause you to hesitate clearing the air.

If this is your situation, you will want to weigh the pros and cons of addressing the issue to come to some sort of resolve. If you do not, you will carry the burden of stress and discomfort from an unresolved situation or relationship, which hurts not only you, but all others involved and those around you.

2. You fear loss.

You may feel that by confronting, you will risk being rejected or unloved. If you identify with this, you may have an element of “people pleaser” in you, which requires some work.

People-pleasing weakens the effectiveness of leadership and threatens the integrity of your decision-making.

A first step in realigning this is to change the expectations you hold for yourself. Fact: You cannot please everyone – but you can certainly earn and hold their respect.

As you consider having a difficult conversation, ask yourself what you fear happening most. More likely than not, you will recognize that your base fear is not rational. The chances are slim that the whole world will turn their back on your leadership if you make an unpopular decision.

Ask yourself what positive things you can gain by having the conversation, and identify how this will positively affect your work, life, and others affected by the current negative state – a great start to lifting up emotional courage.

3. You aren’t comfortable with negative emotions.

Human beings don’t like discomfort, and most of us have not been taught the value of negative emotions.

They therefore make us mentally and physically uncomfortable and we seek to avoid them. Instead of this, consider managing them.

Negative emotions are really key indicators that invite you to pay more attention to the situations that have created them. Use these smart and helpful alerts to decipher what about the situation or problem is upsetting. This will help you to widen your lens as you consider solutions.

Where, within these three areas, do you need to strengthen your emotional courage so that you can become more effective in your leadership?

Download the Free Infographic

Fill out the form below and get instant access to the HOW TO RAISE YOUR INFLUENCE IN LESS THAN 5 SECONDS infographic.

Share0
Tweet0
Share0

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

How to Retain Your Top Talent

By Leave a Comment

How to Retain Your Top Talent
Image Credit: Shutterstock

What keeps CEOs up at night?

Lots of things.

But their #1 concern is attracting and retaining great talent.

And many companies do better at attracting this talent than keeping it.

How much are you losing if you can’t figure this out?

That depends. If you need to retain highly complex positions (managers, software developers and such), you risk missing out up to 800% more productivity, because superior talent is up to 8 times more productive (Keller and Meaney, Leading Organizations).

What is the answer?

Make your company so attractive that no one wants to leave.

Here are five ways to do this:

1.  Develop a high-trust culture.

Trust serves as the foundation for all else. Trust is the incubator for healthy communication, collaboration, empowerment, productivity, profitability…in short, all components that support working at highest and best levels.

Does your company lean on “control and monitor” behaviors or heavy compliance?

These are early signs of a problem. How do you begin to turn this around?

It begins with you. Determine how trustworthy you are as CEO, because your company will rate no higher than its leadership. Download the trust infographic and rank yourself – and then ask those closest to you to do the same. Compare. Where do you need to begin developing more trust with your people?

HOW MUCH

DO OTHERS REALLY TRUST YOU?

​Learn the two vital parts to trust and how they can help you become a more highly effective leader.

GET THE INFOGRAPHIC

2.  Foster a company-wide growth mindset.

This kind of mindset is the stuff of motivation and innovation.

A fixed mindset reflects a closed attitude. Language includes phrases like, “That idea won’t work,” or “It can’t be done right now.”

Growth mindset attitude and language, on the other hand, will reflect phrases such as “How might this work? How might this be possible?” Failure is seen as a way to learn and not as a reason to stop trying.

If you notice there are just a handful of people always making decisions for everyone else, this is an indicator that you are not fostering a growth mindset in your employees.

Where can you start?

Begin by what is right in front of you – applaud all new ideas. When asking for input, make it a rule that whenever someone volunteers a new idea, that the first person to speak after that must say something positive about the idea, whether they agree with it or not. This sends the message that all people have something valuable to contribute, and it fosters creativity.

3.  Recognize and reward the right things.

Are you emotionally biased toward certain employees and against others?

On a company-wide basis, make sure that your systems and processes for recognition are standardized. Form a taskforce to evaluate this.

And then, have this taskforce identify what should be recognized. Go wide! The way in which you acknowledge things such as caring and supportive behaviors can go a long way; these certainly are influences on business outcomes. And on a personal basis, please take the time to acknowledge contributions and jobs well done. It is free to mention people in meetings to thank them for their efforts – and this kind of approach fosters a caring culture that goes far.

4.  Empower your people.

If you feel your people need higher accountability, it may be your systems and processes and not a lack of talent on their part. Start with the basics. Make sure you have clearly outlined expectations for their role and responsibilities.

Then, work together to agree on top goals and priorities for their area of responsibility. Can you show them how these support company-wide goals? Without this foundation, even the best in talent will operate somewhat hesitantly or begin to get lost in the weeds. Make sure you have agreed on a system of reporting that reflects these goals, and which relieves you from chasing your executives for answers (the latter of which is a real trust-killer). By setting this structure in motion, you will empower your talent to move forward with confidence and perform at their best.

5.  Invest in leadership development at every level.

Learning and development is a key concern for companies world-wide. And company talent seeks opportunities for growth and career development. Providing employees at every level with leadership development opportunities meets both objectives well.

When you invest in this, you foster greater performance and contribution – and you can also more easily identify rising stars. And as your company talent receives this focused support, they will feel recognized by the company, and motivated by their growth and future opportunities within. It is surprisingly cost-effective to implement a company-wide leadership development effort. And the ROI is exponential (Note: Executive coaching typically yields an ROI of 4-10 times the initial investment; training with a group coaching component can yield similar results.)

Retaining your top talent requires a healthy and exciting culture. If your culture needs a “reboot,” please understand that this takes time and effort. The payoff, however, is exponential, being key to current profitability and future success.

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

The Cost of Snap Judgments

By Leave a Comment

The Cost of Snap Judgments
Image Credit: Shutterstock

Are you compromising your leadership by making snap judgments?

Research shows that we use less information than we think when making decisions.

Yet, what can you do when the volume of problems to be solved continues to grow?

If you tend to make decisions quickly without the benefit of “the rest of the story,” your leadership and your company are in jeopardy.

How do you solve this?

Here’s an actual client scenario: (names are fictitious)

Nate, senior manager of operations of Allen, Inc., hurried into Jim’s office. “Our steel inventory won’t meet demands this next month. I’m particularly concerned about making good on our commitment to Shanden, Inc., our biggest account.”

“You are right – we can’t have this,” sputtered Jim, CEO. “I hate to do it, but go ahead and buy the more expensive grade of steel for their current project. I know it doesn’t require it, but we need to keep Shanden. I’ll find the money somewhere.”

Jim and Nate spent a lot of money to procure last-minute inventory – and inventory that was overkill for what Shanden’s project actually required.

Here’s what both men did not consider – and which could have saved them headaches and dollars:

  1. Jim lost trust, which was replaced by resentment.

    Jim lost trust with his employees

And he lost trust with his middle management.

In this scenario, Sam, the relationship manager for the top account was not consulted. If he had been, Nate and Jim would have learned that Shanden’s project had in fact come to a standstill for external reasons. The men could have waited and ordered less expensive inventory.

“I could have saved them a lot of trouble and money,” Sam said. “I may as well be invisible here.”

Jim lost trust with Allen employees who worked directly with Shanden to deliver product.

They became resentful, knowing this kind of steel was overkill and required quite a bit more money. Could this kind of decision-making jeopardize things like their raises that they had been promised later in the year? If the boss had such funding, why had he said the company couldn’t invest in better conditions for them? Did he really care about them?

  1. Jim lost an opportunity to mentor and empower his top talent.

Nate had a habit of knee-jerking and not getting all the facts before panicking – something that Jim had inadvertently fostered in him by doing the same.

And Sam was furious. “I feel like a useless paper-pusher, here,” he told me. “If I were included in decisions that affect my area, I could contribute quite a bit – and save Allen money and relationships!”

Nate should have included Sam in his fact-gathering – and Jim should have asked that Sam’s input be included before making a decision. Getting the perspective and input from all relevant parties would have resulted in a much healthier, less costly outcome and much better team relationships.

  1. Jim weakened Allen, Inc.’s future.

Jim incurred loss for the company. Allen lost money on the Shanden project as a result of throwing money at it. This meant that Allen didn’t have the reserves it needed to invest in some of the company’s top priorities later that year – including the employee raises and some expansion it was considering. These losses definitely affected employee morale and productivity, and Allen’s future opportunities.

What happened to Jim? Jim fell into the psychological trap of allowing his emotions to get in the way of careful judgment.

Ed O’Brien, associate professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, has performed experiments with decision-making that point out the following:

“People view the mind as a rational arbiter, assuming that they and others will withhold judgment until they finish flipping through all the evidence. But the mind isn’t just a passive information processor; it’s also emotional. In reality, once people begin to experience…evidence in real time, they will inevitably react to it as they go along. We won’t need to see later information if we already love or hate the very first piece” (“We Use Less Information to Make Decisions Than We Think,” Harvard Business Review, 03-07-19).

Are you too quick to judge?

Losing trust, weakening your business, and limiting opportunities definitely make a case for slowing down, getting the full picture, and diagnosing the real problem.

HOW MUCH

DO OTHERS REALLY TRUST YOU?

​Learn the two vital parts to trust and how they can help you become a more highly effective leader.

GET THE INFOGRAPHIC

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.