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Patti Cotton

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Increasing Your Influence

The Influence of Connection: Why Relationships Are the True Drivers of Change

June 24, 2025 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

We often hear that change begins with strategy—and while that may be partially true, it’s not the whole story.

In my years working with high – performing leaders, I’ve come to believe that real transformation—whether in business, communities, or within ourselves—doesn’t start with a spreadsheet or a whiteboard session. It starts with connection.

Connection is the spark that ignites movement. It’s the currency of trust, the basis for buy – in, and the foundation for momentum that lasts.

In fact, research shows that employees who feel connected at work are five times more likely to perform at their best (O.C. Tanner Institute, 2023).

I once worked with a senior executive of a software development company who was struggling to gain traction with her new strategic plan. Her team was technically capable and well – compensated, yet disengaged. Her frustration mounted—why weren’t they responding to what clearly needed to be done?

During our sessions, we uncovered something simple but powerful: Her team didn’t feel included in the process. The plan was sound, but it was hers, not theirs. Together, we crafted a new approach. It involve more one – on – one conversations, open forums, and invitations for honest feedback.

Something shifted.

Her team began to speak up, offer ideas, and—most importantly—take ownership.

What changed? Not the strategy, but the connection.

This is what I mean when I say “people move when they’re moved.” And what moves people most is being part of something bigger than themselves, with people they trust.

We forget this in the noise of leadership. Caught in metrics and meetings, we sometimes default to what feels tangible and controllable—strategy. But no matter how brilliant the plan, it won’t stick unless the people behind it feel seen, heard, and connected.

Another client, a CEO of a privately held services company, came to me when his leadership team was fractured. Decision – making had stalled, and communication felt like walking on eggshells.

“We don’t have time for group therapy,” he told me.

But they didn’t need therapy. They needed connection.

Through facilitated sessions, we created space for real conversation. No titles, no agendas—just honest dialogue. They shared frustrations, hopes, and even some laughter. Over time, the tone shifted. Decisions came faster. Meetings became places of engagement rather than endurance.

What changed? Not the strategy, but the relationships.

As a leader, you are the convener. The connector. The culture – setter.

You create the conditions where others can show up fully—not just to perform, but to belong. And when people feel that, they bring their best, every time.

So how do you lead with connection?

  • Start by showing up as human first.
  • Be curious, not just efficient.
  • Make space for dialogue, not just discussion.
  • Be willing to ask questions you don’t have answers to.
  • Listen with the intent to understand—not to fix or respond.

Look around your organization or your community. Where is there untapped potential simply waiting to be unlocked by a conversation? Who needs to be invited to the table—not just to contribute, but to belong?

You don’t need a new role, new project, or new program to drive change. You just need to reach across the aisle—sometimes literally—and invite someone into purposeful connection.

The truth is, it’s relationships—not just results—that build legacies.

When we prioritize connection, we don’t just grow our organizations. We grow people. And those people, in turn, become the change agents our world so desperately needs.

Lead with connection. Watch what happens.

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Why Achieving What You Want May Not Make You Happier

August 14, 2024 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

Why Achieving What You Want May Not Make You Happier
Image Credit: Depositphotos

How Fulfilled Are You?

In our goal-driven society, many believe that achieving certain milestones—landing the dream job, buying a luxurious home, reaching a specific net worth—will lead to lasting happiness.

However, research and psychological insights suggest otherwise.

In fact, the notion that achieving what you want will make you perpetually happier is flawed.

Why is this?

Your “happiness set point” won’t allow it.

Happiness Set Point

The concept of the “happiness set point” is key to understanding why achievements don’t lead to long-term happiness. This idea, stemming from research in positive psychology, posits that individuals have a relatively stable level of happiness that they return to after experiencing highs or lows. This baseline is shown to be influenced by genetic factors and long-term personality traits.

One of the seminal studies in this area was conducted by psychologists Brickman and Campbell in 1971, introducing the “hedonic treadmill” theory. They observed that both lottery winners and paraplegics, after initial spikes in happiness or despair, tended to return to their baseline happiness levels over time.

Subsequent studies have reinforced these findings, suggesting that our life circumstances only account for about 10% of our overall happiness, while 50% is genetic and 40% is influenced by activities and mindset.

Does this mean you can’t change your happiness set point?

Are you doomed to reach what you have experienced in the past as the top of your “fulfillment quotient”?

Quite the contrary.

A CEO’s Experience

John, the CEO of a prominent healthcare facility, had always been driven by his professional goals. With decades of hard work, he transformed a small clinic into a leading healthcare provider in his region. Despite his impressive achievements, John found himself feeling unfulfilled and stressed. His initial excitement and pride over his accomplishments faded quickly, replaced by a constant pressure to achieve more.

When John and I first met, he believed that his unhappiness stemmed from the relentless demands of his job and the pressure to continually expand and innovate. He thought that by reaching new milestones—such as opening more facilities, increasing patient satisfaction scores, and boosting the clinic’s financial performance—he would find lasting happiness and fulfillment.

In reality, John’s unhappiness was not about the goals he had yet to achieve but rather his fundamental misunderstanding of the nature of happiness and fulfillment. He was caught in the cycle of hedonic adaptation, where each new success quickly became the new normal, providing only temporary boosts to his happiness.

John’s focus on extrinsic goals, such as professional accolades and financial success, left him neglecting intrinsic sources of happiness, such as personal growth, meaningful relationships, and self-care.

Expectations play a crucial role in the disconnect between achievement and lasting happiness. And although John was an incredibly intelligent leader, he was under a false impression. Having set high expectations for the outcomes of his goals, he believed they would solve many of his problems and bring greater and more consistent joy. When the reality fell short of these expectations, disappointment set in, and the anticipated happiness evaporated.

Moreover, social comparisons exacerbated this issue. In today’s age of social media, where John constantly saw curated highlights of other successful leaders’ lives, his achievements felt inadequate, leading to dissatisfaction despite having reached his goals.

Fortunately, you can elevate your happiness set point. Fulfillment is not beyond reach.

Reset

As we worked together, John’s journey to greater happiness started with understanding of the limitations of achievement-based happiness. Often, we get so caught up in what we think will make us happy that we lose sight of the “why” – the vision of what this will bring us. Along with this, we can often develop a “rat wheel” mentality of pushing harder toward certain goals and actually derail vision.

For example, John had become somewhat of an automaton as it came to targeting higher and higher stretch goals in both his personal and professional life. When I asked him what enough was, he didn’t know. He had forgotten why he was doing it all. He also operated at a high stress level, attempting to push harder and harder under the false assumption that he would get “there” faster (wherever “faster” was).

It was time to regroup. John had not only lost sight of his personal vision, but he had also developed a false version based on what others expected of him. Once we worked through this, we dove deep into his values. Where was he living these? Where was he not doing so? What were the consequences? And how would his life and work change if he aligned these?

Important shifts in how he operated as a leader and in life were identified. Key steps and conversations were targeted and put into his leadership development plan, so that we could work through these.

Results

John’s stress levels began to decrease with each meeting and move forward. As we reshaped how he showed up as a leader and executed within his role, I developed a daily checklist for him to keep at his desk as a reminder.

Checklist

That checklist is below, with some of my notes behind each, showing how we worked together to help John raise his happiness quotient and experience much greater fulfillment.

  1. Focus on Intrinsic Goals.

John started setting goals centered around personal growth, relationships, and community contribution, which provided more lasting satisfaction than extrinsic goals like wealth and professional accolades. He adjusted how he executed in his leadership role so that he was tapping into key strengths and leading within his values.

  1. Practice Gratitude

Regularly reflecting on what he was grateful for counteracted hedonic adaptation and helped John maintain higher levels of happiness. His family reported that they were experiencing John significantly different – much happier, more engaged.

  1. Engage in Flow Activities

John began to immerse himself in activities that fully engaged and satisfied him, known as flow states, creating deep and lasting contentment. We identified how, within the way he worked, he could also achieve this so that he experienced more vibrancy and energy within his leadership role.

  1. Build Resilient Relationships

Strong social connections are consistently linked with higher well-being. John admitted that he had let this part of his life wither. We worked consistently to revive this, and it provided John with enduring happiness that achievements alone could not.

  1. Practice Mindfulness and Acceptance

From the beginning, I invited John to embrace mindfulness techniques. These helped John to lower his stress, strengthen his focus, and in the longer game, appreciate the present moment, eliminating the perpetual yearning for future achievements.

The pursuit of goals and achievements is a natural part of human ambition. However, understanding that these achievements will not lead to perpetual happiness will allow us to shift our focus towards more enduring sources of well-being. By prioritizing intrinsic goals, nurturing relationships, and practicing gratitude, we can create a more balanced and fulfilling life, where happiness is derived not just from what we achieve, but from how we live each day.

References

  1. Brickman, P., & Campbell, D. T. (1971). Hedonic relativism and planning the good society. In M. H. Appley (Ed.), Adaptation Level Theory: A Symposium (pp. 287–302). Academic Press.
  2. Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want. Penguin Press.
  3. Diener, E., Lucas, R. E., & Scollon, C. N. (2006). Beyond the Hedonic Treadmill: Revising the Adaptation Theory of Well-Being. American Psychologist, 61(4), 305–314.

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

To Upgrade Your Leadership, Uplevel Your Leadership Behaviors

June 15, 2022 By Patti Cotton 1 Comment

To Upgrade Your Leadership, Uplevel Your Leadership Behaviors
Image Credit: Shutterstock

How do you as CEO stay on top of your leadership game? Many think reading the latest books on this will keep things fresh. Others rely on bootcamps or CEO peer groups to stimulate their thinking about leading, and to work through business challenges.

Books can provide great insights. Bootcamps can certainly inform you of leadership trends and approaches you might want to consider. And peer groups can bring fresh ideas, community, and accountability.

But statistics show that none of these by themselves (or all together) yield the relevant changes that are most important. In other words, if you are spending significant amounts of money on your leadership in the ways we’ve just mentioned, you may be gaining some good value – but you are still leaving a lot of your leadership potential on the table.

How do you actually sharpen your leadership in the areas that matter most?

To strengthen your leadership, you need to know which areas of your leadership are ready for upleveling, and how to actually make these shifts in order to make lasting change.

Which of your leadership behaviors is ready for an upgrade?

You won’t really know what you need to change until you get good feedback.

As CEO, you may have a fair idea of those areas you need to sharpen. But as a human being, you also have your blind spots. And you can’t see your blind spots, because, well, they are blind spots.

Michael, our CEO in the last three articles, was given some feedback. As you will recall (see last week’s article “Confronting”), Michael was highly motivated to rise above the weeds once and for all, and to bring his team along with him. They had done some important work in establishing a company business imperative with top priorities over the next 12 months, and also identified what this meant for each executive team member’s focus and energy.

When it came time to identify what the team needed in order to accomplish these things, you may remember that the team members shared what they needed as to systems and processes, but also in behaviors – team behaviors together, and leader behaviors from Michael.

“I had no idea some of my behaviors were getting in the way of team effectiveness,” he confessed.

“The good news is, Michael, that you are well respected by your team. You received some good feedback, and we need to use it. Let’s talk about what you heard.”

“Well, I heard that I disempower people by allowing their employees to come directly to me – and I may counter what their supervisor has instructed them. And I also heard that I tend not to listen to the perspectives of the other executive team members when making decisions. Those are pretty big.”

“And I agree with you,” I responded. “Those are the two main behavioral shifts I heard, as well. Do you agree?”

“I agree. I’ll stop doing those things. Today.”

“Not so fast,” I countered. “That’s not the way it works. At least, if you want the change to be effective and to last.”

“Okay, I’m listening,” he said.

You need to identify upgrade behaviors for those you want to replace.

“Explain, please,” said Michael.

“You may know what you need to stop doing, but your brain needs a picture of what it needs to do, instead. For example, if you need to stop allowing employees to come in and work around their supervisors to get a better answer from you, what should you do instead?”

“Ah,” said Michael. “Okay. I need to redirect the employees back to their supervisors.”

“Now you have it!” I responded. “And what about being open to and listening to the perspectives of others?” I asked.

“Well, that one is harder,” Michael mused. “I thought I was open, but evidently I don’t appear to be so.”

“May I give you some feedback?” I asked. “I noticed in our team meeting that, when others gave a different opinion than yours, you acknowledged them, but then went right back to your own perspective. In other words, you didn’t ask them to tell you more, allowing them to share a different point of view, while listening carefully instead of waiting to jump back in.”

“Phew,” said Michael. “This may be tough.”

“True,” I said. “In fact, these kinds of behaviors take up to a year to shift so that they are lasting.”

“Well, how do I stay on track with that?” He asked. “I don’t have a lot of time to spend on this – but it’s key and I know it.”

“Fortunately, the third step is what keeps you on track,” I answered.

Track your progress regularly by getting feedback.

“Your team has given you great feedback. They can also provide you with info on your progress.”

“Like I said, I don’t have a lot of time,” he said.

“Oh, this is a one- to two-minute check-in about once monthly to see how you are doing. And of course, your regular coaching meeting with me to discuss how it’s going, what we need to do to break through roadblocks, keep moving forward, etc.”

“I see,” said Michael. “So, I’ll just be working as usual – only I’ll be integrating upgraded behaviors. That should not take more time – it’s just doing things differently.”

“You are getting it!” I said. “I’m happy to sit with you and put together a plan.”

Michael beamed. “I’m ready,” he said. “I think we are getting the formula for staying on top of the things we want most. If I can rise to the occasion with my leadership, I can bring the others along.”

What in your leadership needs upgrading? How do you know? Reaching the most important goals successfully starts here.


© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Getting Your Leadership and Company Out of the Weeds

May 25, 2022 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

Getting Your Leadership and Company Out of the Weeds
Image Credit: Unsplash

You are in the weeds, again.

And it feels defeating.

Leading is more complex than ever, and each time you think you are getting on top of things, the speed of business accelerates, again. What is it costing you? What is it costing your company?

You aren’t the only leader suffering from this quicksand. Don’t give up. There is a way out – and up.

Michael sighed and sat back in his chair.

“I’m finally on top of my emails – but the executive team isn’t. This means I’m not getting the responses I need for us to move forward. And then, we haven’t taken next steps in the Alchem Initiative, and we are now two quarters behind. I’m the hold-up there. Not enough time because we are playing catch up everywhere else.”

“Michael,” I leaned forward. “This sounds disorganized. You must be frustrated.”

“I am. I’m frustrated. Exhausted,” he replied. “Leading this company has a pretty low ROI to it these days.”

“Here’s what I’m noticing,” I said. “We’ve had this conversation before.”

“What are you saying?” he asked.

“I’m saying it’s time to get out of the weeds. For good.”

Step One: To Get Out of the Weeds, Bring Focus to What Matters

“Let’s begin by bringing focus to what matters most,” I said. “This is the first of five critical steps we need to take in order to get out of the weeds and stay out of the weeds!”

The first thing that Michael and I did was sit down together to review company goals and objectives, and to identify priorities for the ensuing 12 months. With some careful conversation, we crafted a vision for the year, and pinpointed the business impact this would have on the business.

“It feels good to recapture clarity around what’s important,” said Michael. “But I’m growing concerned. I realize that we are working on many things that don’t actually support the company in what matters. And if that’s the case, we are not only losing money by not doing what matters, we are also losing it by spending it on what doesn’t matter!”

Michael and I spend the rest of the morning defining the business impact. Quantifiably, if Michael and the team focused on what matters, this would put the company on a path to increase revenue and footprint significantly within two years.

“If we can do this, our competitors will stop running circles around us. That gives me great satisfaction. And on an equally serious note, my board will start placing more trust in me. I’ve lost a lot of ground there with not delivering on what I promise.”

“You are indeed at a critical juncture,” I responded. “It’s time to roll up our sleeves.”

“So, what’s next?” Michael asked.

“We’ve gained good clarity on what matters, but this is indeed just the first step. Now, we need to align and coordinate your executive team around this. This is where we will see what it really means to make this course-correction.”

“Although this sounds challenging,” answered Michael, “I can’t turn back, now. We’ve just uncovered millions of dollars and opportunity to be had.”

What is your own lack of focus costing you and your company?

Stay tuned, Reader, to learn how Michael took the next step to align and coordinate his team – and how it surfaced some pretty troubling culture and behavioral challenges.


© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Why Your Manager Won’t Make Decisions

September 1, 2021 By Patti Cotton Leave a Comment

Why Your Manager Won’t Make Decisions
Image Credit: Shutterstock

Do you have a manager who drags their feet when it comes to making important decisions?

This can affect your entire team and your ability to get things done. Moreover, the impact of just one manager’s indecisiveness affects your entire business.

How do you handle this?

“It feels like things have come to a screeching halt,” said Maxine. “I have one department that consistently delivers late – and always has excuses. Help!”

The more Maxine and I talked, the greater the evidence became that the department’s poor performance was affecting other areas of the business.

“The latest debacle is this: Earl promised me reports by deadline, but once again, he was late.” Maxine continued. “He blames two of his employees for various things I won’t bore you with. The outcome is that I did not receive these reports I needed by our deadline. We actually lost business because of it.”

“So, this has actually affected the business’s ability to compete,” I responded. “And what is the problem?”

“Well, I used to think that Earl couldn’t hold his team accountable. He kept blaming them for performance issues. But lately, I’ve noticed that he really drags in his decision-making. And one of his employees told me she had been waiting on directives from him for three days – that she couldn’t move forward with her project until he made a decision on something.”

Maxine’s business was in jeopardy. After talking with Earl, I asked if I could talk with other managers, as well. My discovery showed that we actually needed to revisit a basic framework for decision-making with Maxine, and then to work with the managers to have a shared understanding.

Here are some of the comments from Maxine’s managers – and which may be reasons your own manager hesitates to make decisions:

  1. I don’t have the information I need. It’s hard to weigh the pros and cons when I don’t have the info I need and the larger picture.
  2. I’m not sure I have the authority. Does this decision fall to me, or does it need to be made by my leader?
  3. I don’t feel like I have the knowledge or experience. I’m new to this position and not sure I am equipped. What if my decision is wrong? I’m afraid to commit, not knowing what the outcome might be.
  4. My past experiences in making these kinds of decisions were poor. What will happen if I make a mistake?
  5. This decision is a tough one – how will I handle reactions? How do I get people on board?

Implied in each of these statements is a lack of clarity in parameters. If you sit with your managers, you may find that they hesitate in decision-making because of similar feelings. Discussions around this and identifying on what is needed to fill gaps in this area are crucial.

Encouraging them to reach out when they have questions is something you should expect. However, if this is not happening, you may want to have further conversations to explore reasons behind this. For more on this, see How Safe is it for Your Team to Make Decisions Together?


© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

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