Patti Cotton

Executive Coach & Career Strategist

Business

Keeping Your Cool with Difficult Personalities

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Keeping Your Cool with Difficult Personalities
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I admit to having certain hot buttons that, when pushed, really test my ability to keep my cool.

How do you remain calm, focused, and even-handed when someone is triggering yours?

You need three things to stay cool when your buttons are pushed.

  1. Know your hot buttons.

Here is a comprehensive list of hot buttons and explanations that are part of the Conflict Dynamics Profile I use to coach team conflict.

    • Unreliable – those who are unreliable, miss deadlines, cannot be counted on
    • Overly-analytical – those who are perfectionists, over-analyze things. and focus too much on minor issues
    • Unappreciative – those who fail to give credit to others or seldom praise good performance
    • Aloof – those who isolate themselves, do not seek input from others, or are hard to approach
    • Micro-managing – those who constantly monitor and check up on the work of others
    • Self-centered – those who are self-centered or believe they are always correct
    • Abrasive – those who are arrogant, sarcastic, and abrasive
    • Untrustworthy – those who exploit others, take underserved credit, or cannot be trusted
    • Hostile – those who lose their tempers, become angry inappropriately, yell at others

Which of these are your hot buttons?

In order to tame them, you must recognize them first.

  1. Take a moment to ward off flooding.

Emotions rise when we are triggered, and we can experience what is called “flooding.” This is another term for overwhelm, during which the stress hormones adrenalin and cortisol flood the nervous system and put us in a state of fight or flight.

The problem with flooding is that it influences our thought patterns and the way we see others. Poor thinking and reactions ensue. Science tells us that it requires around 20 minutes or more for flooding to dissipate – and in some situations, you may not be able to afford such a pause.

How do you get in front of this? 

    • Sharpen your awareness around early trigger signs before it becomes a problem.

If you recognize one of your hot buttons has just been pushed, take three deep breaths (literally!), relax your shoulders, and pause. Identify the physical sensations you are experiencing as a result of the trigger. Where do you feel tense or weight? Is your heart rate elevating? Name these as you piece them out as a way to separate them from you. Continue slow and easy breathing to calm these sensations down.

    • What emotions are you experiencing?

Remind yourself that these are separate from the actual issue at hand. If you are in a “hot state” and you can’t regulate this, you will continue to encourage the flooding process.

    • End the conversation if you recognize you are flooded.

Tell the other person you will need to take a break and come back a bit later to continue the conversation. Go for a walk, if possible, and as you piece out and calm down your emotions and physical sensations, refocus to the actual issue at hand. What conversation is needed to resolve the interaction? 

  1. Train yourself to redirect natural impulses to react.

In a calm and reflective state in which there is no triggering situation at hand, review your list of hot buttons.

For each, recall how you normally react when it has been activated. Now, imagine how you would like to respond to it in future. Rewrite 1-2 instances where this hot button has been pushed in the past. Now, in the place of the reaction you had to the situation, visualize yourself responding in the ideal way you have envisioned.

Run this through your mind several times to create a brain “memory.” As you do this over time, your brain will begin to recall this as an established pattern and move toward it in situations where you are triggered.

What is the stress from reacting to triggers costing you?

If you are like most, the list can include your ability to make good decisions, enjoy healthy and productive relationships, your ability to lead, and ultimately, your health. I challenge you to learn how manage yourself in a more effective way by mastering your hot buttons.

HOW MUCH

DO OTHERS REALLY TRUST YOU?

​Learn the two vital parts to trust and how they can help you become a more highly effective leader.

GET THE INFOGRAPHIC

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

How High Is Your Connectivity Quotient?

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Your ability to influence and impact others requires that you build bonds and trust. To do this, you must be able to connect genuinely – and well.

How can you increase your connectivity in a world of urgency and speed?

This actually is a matter of life and death, if we are to extrapolate from MIT professor and researcher Sherry Turkle, who wrote the book Reclaiming Conversations. Turkle reveals that because of the increasing decline of empathy among the younger generations, we are now witnessing depression, anxiety, and stress climbing quickly. In fact, Turkle observes that we are seeing the most severe depression in teenagers today that we have ever noted in the entire written history of psychology.

The business world suffers from a lack of connection, as well.

In my leadership and culture work, one of my most sought-after management trainings is “Leading from the Heart,” where people learn how to reconnect and flex their empathy to create a more positive and productive work experience. I cannot tell you how many participants continue to stress that this learning has changed their world at work.

People are hungry for connection.

Superficial Connectedness

Turkle cites “superficial connectedness” as a chief culprit. This interferes with deeper, more meaningful exchanges and opportunities to reflect upon and synthesize information for greater critical thinking.

A chief factor is technology.

It facilitates an influx of information that increases daily, and it enables us to communicate at warp speed. This gift is often misused, and the sheer magnitude of incoming can create an imposed need to respond just as quickly.

There are other factors that impel us to respond to the tyranny of the urgent.

Jeff Bezos is quoted to have said, “Go fast and break things!”

Words and phrases like velocity and warp speed are touted as prized – and indeed, the global marketplace shifts constantly as the earth rotates.

However, must this become the new culture?

Because when it comes to connection, speed can be dangerous.

As speed pushes us forward, our personal resources to slow down and connect with others diminish. Along with this, empathy begins to wither.

How can you begin to make your way back to making meaningful connections in a business world that assuredly continues to gain speed?

Here are three ways that will help you get back on track to make connecting an intentional and rewarding experience:

  1. Place boundaries around your technology use.

A study by global tech protection and support company Asurion reveals that the average person struggles to move beyond 10 minutes without checking their phone. In fact, this study reveals that Americans check their phone on average once every 12 minutes, burying their faces in their phones 80 times a day.

Get creative with how you minimize your technology when you are meeting to connect with others.

    • Place the phone on “airplane mode.”

If this idea makes you cringe, begin by giving your phone to your assistant and alerting him or her to let you know if certain urgent calls come in.

    • Turn your computer’s e-mail alerts off.

Studies show that each distraction makes you lose 20 minutes of focus – in other words, it will take you a full 20 minutes to get your head back into concentrating on what you were doing prior to the distraction.

    • Have an inviting seating area in your office or meeting place with no tech devices such as computers or iPads.

Better yet, ask if you can walk outside together as you talk. This is not only invigorating, but it removes all office distractions and allows for deeper conversations. Old-fashioned. Retro. Connective.

  1. Flex your empathy by reviving your deep listening skills.

Are you truly listening to connect, or are you just waiting for a pause so that you can jump in?

Check yourself to make sure you are giving full focus to the other person. Ask questions – and ask the “follow-up question” to go deeper. Listen to learn and not to fix. Ask to understand and not to get to the bottom of things. Observe to widen your perspective, and not to make a quick judgment.

  1. Invest in your connections.

In such a fast-paced world, your circles of influence are probably bursting. Identify the handful that you feel you need to play an active and meaningful part in your world, and plan connection with them. That’s breakfast, coffee, golf, or some face-to-face activity that gives you time to have different and more rewarding conversations.

Technology and the speed of change are here for good. Let’s make sure our ability to make and sustain meaningful connections rises to meet them.

HOW MUCH

DO OTHERS REALLY TRUST YOU?

​Learn the two vital parts to trust and how they can help you become a more highly effective leader.

GET THE INFOGRAPHIC

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Three Micro-Connections to Increase Positive Team Culture

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Three Micro-Connections to Increase Positive Team Culture
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Human beings need connection.

The workplace suffers from a lack of it, due to the demands and pace of the work at hand. Virtual and semi-virtual teams are hit harder than those who occupy the same physical space.

Suggestions such as more team building and socials fall flat. They not only require time from busy schedules, they are often impractical, sporadic connections; and, thus, are not enough to build bonds and trust.

Without bonds and trust – the results of human connection – your team will experience lowered engagement, minimized trust, and a lack of commitment (and you know the kinds of things that come from that!).

How can you rectify this?

The five-minute morning huddle, whether in-person or virtual, is a good start. However, grouping to communicate and keep each other informed does not satisfy the deeper hunger to connect.

Three Micro-Connections

The good news is that there are three micro-connections you and your team can immediately adopt that will strengthen powerful human connection, and which require no more time on anyone’s part.

These micro-connects, when not incorporated into your behaviors, are actually the first things to suffer in a fast-paced work environment. Check yourself on how well you are doing with them now – and seek to increase them in all your interactions.

Here they are:

  1. Increase your eye contact.

When you are in a conversation with others, do you find your eyes wander? Be intentional about your eye contact with the other person. Becoming comfortable with eye contact is a first important step to connecting on a deeper level. It says, “I recognize you. I’m present and paying attention to you.”

  1. Monitor your tone of voice.

Do your tone of voice and pace of your words reflect stress or hurry? If so, you are implicitly communicating that you don’t have time for the person on the other end of the conversation. Take quiet stock of this the next time you speak with people, especially when on the phone.

  1. Begin each conversation with a personal connection before diving into business.

Take 30 seconds to a minute and ask the other team member how they are, how the week is going, or another personal “connection” that shows you care about them as a human being. Re-establish connection before diving into the agenda at hand. This is a big one for most busy executives – and a big “miss” if they don’t incorporate it.

These three micro-connections will support a more positive, caring team culture that says, “You belong. You are important.”

They bring meaningful validation, which is something we all seek.

HOW MUCH

DO OTHERS REALLY TRUST YOU?

​Learn the two vital parts to trust and how they can help you become a more highly effective leader.

GET THE INFOGRAPHIC

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Is Your Leadership Team Out of Alignment?

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Is Your Leadership Team Out of Alignment?
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What’s happened to your leadership team? You have carefully chosen each member and empowered them to do great things. Yet, you aren’t getting the results you want.

Could it be that your team is out of alignment?

Telltale signs can include subpar performance, poor decision-making, executives at odds with each other, units working at cross purposes, and a rise in conflict.

How can you fix this?

Because if you don’t, your organization will reflect this at every level. Productivity, revenues, reputation – the list goes on.

First, understand that you must look at two kinds of alignment: strategic and cultural.

Strategic Alignment

Strategic alignment is what is necessary for a team to operate well together in their goals and actions so that the organization’s agreed purpose and vision are met. I can tell if a leadership team is out of strategic alignment by having each member list out their internal and external initiatives and comparing these with the organizational vision and goals. If the team member’s initiatives don’t support the larger vision and goals, this means it is time to review and redirect. If this seems like your team’s challenge, it is an opportunity for teambuilding through conducting some actionable strategic realignment sessions.

Cultural Alignment

Cultural alignment is met through team members’ commitment to shared attitudes, behaviors, and actions so that the organization’s values and principles are reinforced. When I work with leadership teams and detect unspoken conversations, silos, turf wars, and a hesitancy to make tough decisions in order to move forward, I know it’s time to revisit their mission, values, and team charter (their team values “in action,” or “group norms”). Most leadership teams have not taken the time to define their team charter so that they can enjoy a dynamic, shared culture. When I work with them to develop this, the positive cultural outcomes ripple throughout the entire organization.

Where do you detect that your leadership team may be out of alignment?

The rest of your enterprise is watching and will do likewise.

The Clockwork of Excellent Leadership:   3 Essential Gears

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© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Building Your Emotional Intelligence with the Follow-up Question

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Building Your Emotional Intelligence with the Follow-up Question
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Like any other key decision-maker, your responsibilities require that you make hundreds of decisions daily. This means you have developed a quick and effective way of getting to the bottom of things (for a quick review on how to make better decisions, read “When Stakes Are High: How to Make Better Decisions”).

There are two reasons, however, that we ask questions – learning (information exchange) and liking (impression management). And overlooking the follow-up question may mean we miss capitalizing on both – and thus lose out on some important emotional intelligence skill-building.

What does emotional intelligence have to do with the follow-up question? And how do you harness the power of this?

Many important tenets of emotional intelligence have to do with relationship management – both with people and with the organization. Some examples of these skills are: empathy, perspective taking, catalyzing change, building bonds and trust, and creating and strengthening team.

If you make time to ask follow-up questions in your conversations and discussions, you strengthen these skills:

1. You gather additional information, fostering your ability to “see” a bigger picture, and the opportunity to widen the scope of your thinking through diverse perspectives; and

2. You demonstrate a willingness to listen to the other person in the conversation, showing active interest in connecting, with the intent to foster open dialogue and to consider new perspectives.

So, what is a powerful follow-up question?

First, the term follow-up is just what it implies – it’s a question that comes after another question.

Second, there are follow-up questions – and follow-up questions. By this, I mean that some are simply a means to an end, and others are door-openers. And it’s the door-openers that are powerful.

What are the traits of powerful follow-up questions?

1. Open-ended. Make sure your question is not a disguised opinion or judgment. For example, if your question starts out with the phrase, “Don’t you think that..,” please refrain. Otherwise, you will have cut off creative conversation and the opportunity to appreciate and acknowledge the perspectives of others.

2. Begin with the word “what” or “how,” rather than “why.” The word “why” is associated with giving an answer to defend one’s position (e.g., “Why did you do that?” “Why did this happen?”). Instead, begin with something like, “Tell me more,” “What’s behind that?” or “How might that work?” This supports open dialogue.

3. Be genuine with the intent to listen and learn. Don’t ask questions unless you are ready to do so – people can spot inauthenticity a mile away, and your efforts will backfire. Part of vibrant leadership is being willing to stretch and grow.

The next time you are brainstorming with others, take the time to ask that second “follow-up” question at various points of your discussion. You’ll reap the benefits of more information, greater participation by others, and connections at a deeper level that foster strong relationships and team.

(Gratitude to Alison Wood Brooks and Leslie K. John for the inspiration of their article, “The Surprising Power of Questions,” Harvard Business Review, May-June 2018 issue.)

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.