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Why are people afraid to ask for what they want?  A hesitation to ask can stem from one of the following three causes:

1. They don’t know what they want – and don’t want.
2. They don’t have the necessary skillset to ask effectively.
3. They have a fear of asking.

In my work with professionals who are ready to play a bigger game, it is not unusual to discover that even the most talented and successful people fear asking. This can be for a variety of reasons – a fear of failure, rejection, or that we don’t deserve it.

One of my clients, Katherine,* was working 70 hours weekly, and had consistently produced more than the rest of her department over the past three years. Yet, she felt that she hadn’t laid down enough of a “success track” to ask for the raise she knew some her colleagues had received.

“I haven’t been here that long, and I feel like I need to produce more to show I deserve the hike in pay,” she said.

However, as we talked further, Katherine admitted the real reason she feared her boss would say no. “If he says ‘no,’ this means he thinks I’m not good enough,” she said. “And I would don’t want to feel that rejection. After all – won’t I get a raise when he notices my work and thinks I deserve it?”

Katherine’s fear of asking came from the old, negative automatic thought (NAT), “I’m not good enough,” that often keeps us from many opportunities. In Katherine’s case, she felt she had to prove she was worthy and “enough” by working harder than everyone else, producing more, and waiting for her boss to finally say that she had achieved enough to deserve a raise. As it turns out, Katherine discovered some time later that her boss was under the impression that she was happy at that rate of pay – because she didn’t ask!

Fortunately, we now know that can know that NATs can be eliminated through simple mental exercises designed to reshape our core beliefs and limited thinking. It is possible at any age to intervene, and to step into more of the potential we deserve.

After working with Katherine to overcome her NATs, I was pleased that she went on to ask for a healthy raise – and got it!

What old NATs are holding you back?



* all names and identifying information of Patti’s clients are altered for the purpose of confidentiality.

I’ve missed writing. And so, when I heard about a 30-day blog challenge, I asked a friend to participate with me as a way to have fun and hold each other accountable for doing the work. I was excited about getting back to writing, and enjoyed the prospect of doing just a little bit each day to keep current. But on Day 1, there were so many things to do. It occurred to me several times during the afternoon that I needed to get to the blog challenge. However, when the clock said 10:00 p.m., I had still not turned to do the work. And so here I sit on Day 2, catching up.

Why didn’t I make good on my commitment yesterday? Didn’t I want to craft a message to share? Hadn’t I pledged to deliver my part of the partnership bargain to my friend? Then, why had I not made good on my promise? Why do we not take action on the things that are most important to us?

I call this “playing it small.” We sit there, knowing that there is opportunity in front of us, but we procrastinate. After all, we are busy – and things are fine the way they are. It is so comfortable in the zone of the familiar. And because more often than not, we do not take action when opportunity arises, nothing changes. In time, this opportunity “inertia” makes us become flabby and stagnant, compromising our potential.

More often than not, our failure to take action is because we are afraid of failing. We equate what we do with who we are. This dupe has been the downfall of countless individuals of great promise, and has cheated the world of the impact these people could have made for good.

Michael Jordan, the famed basketball player once said, “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” His motto was to fail fast, and fail often. In other words, take action when the opportunity arises and, if you miss the shot, keep going, and be alert to take the next one that comes. Remember that successful people failed at many things along the way, took these failures as learning experiences, and used the knowledge to reach success.

Where are you hesitating to take action?

“Today you are You, that is truer than true.  There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

What does it take to be authentic?  And why seek this genuine state of being?  To be yourself means to align your emotions and thoughts with your actions.  And the reward for this is tremendous.  It signifies that you have the courage to celebrate your uniqueness with integrity. It gives you the freedom to express your spontaneity, your creativity, and to follow your dreams.   No masks, no pretenses, no compromises.  Yes, embracing your authenticity means being able to fully receive and celebrate the gifts God has given you.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

If being yourself is such a wonderful thing, why do people shy from it?   What makes us feel as though we need to pretend to be something we are not, or to compromise our thoughts or actions?  The fact is that it takes courage to be vulnerable and honest.  It also requires that we accept others for their unique qualities and gifts.  You see, people want to be loved and accepted.  We were created to be a part of community.   We seek it and we cling to it.  We receive rewards from it – a feeling of belonging, and of being valued.  Yet, if this belonging is predicated on false pretenses to try and please others, then the toll over time is the erosion of self.  We begin to feel misaligned or detached.  We feel fake.  Stressed.  And in keeping this up, we lose sense of who we are and how wonderfully God has made us.

“You are you.  Now isn’t that pleasant?”

If you have not done so lately, it might be energizing for you to do a “spot check” on your authenticity.  A couple of steps are needed to do this, and the first one is to assess your personal values.  For this exercise, you will need a computer, and a pen or pencil.   First, do an Internet search for “list of personal values.”  Select one that looks attractive to you, and print it for use.  Next, circle 20 of the values that you personally hold dearest.  If one of your key values is missing from the original list, just add it to the page and circle it.  Now that you have circled 20, cross off half of these for a remaining “top ten.”  And now comes the hard part:  whittle this list down to your top five values.  It may be harder than you think.  But this is where the introspection and the learning come in.

Now that you have completed the first step of your spot check, take the next step by enjoying a few moments of contemplation.  Ask yourself if there are any areas of your life that are currently not reflective of these values.  Review your actions and behaviors for the past couple of days and weigh them against your list.  What stands out for you?  Tuck that list in your pocket and refer to it two to three times daily over the following week.  What comes through for you, now?  Are your actions consistent with your values?  If there is a gap, what do you feel is preventing you from alignment?  What will you do with this information?

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better.  It’s not.”

Be the kind of company you seek.  Embrace your authenticity by creating a community that values God’s children as unique individuals.  As you read this article, there are people all around you who are also feeling a vulnerability to being real.  They would love to throw away their masks and be accepted and appreciated for their true selves.  How do we make this happen?  It begins with me.  It begins with you.  We set the example, first, through tendering the respect for diversity and uniqueness that we desire for ourselves.

The next time you are interacting with a friend or colleague, look for a moment where you can ask him more about himself.  As he responds, share with him a genuine desire to learn, with a simple, “Tell me more…”   And be prepared to listen with a caring heart.  Your sincerity will speak volumes about your acceptance and respect for him as an individual.  And it will plant the seed with him to do the same with you.

Note:  My gratitude to Dr. Theodor Seuss Geisel, who decided to be himself and use his gifts to the fullest, inspiring millions.

In September 2013, 64-year-old endurance swimmer Diane Nyad conquered the 110-mile passage from Cuba to Florida that had hounded her for 35 years.  This was her fifth attempt.  Even though she failed four other times, she still believed in her goal and was determined to succeed.  And this is precisely why she did.

When Nyad emerged victorious, after 53 hours in the treacherous Florida Straits full of jellyfish, sharks, and dangerous weather, she paused to share the following:
“I have three messages.  One is we should never, ever give up.  Two is you never are too old to chase your dreams.  Three is it looks like a solitary sport, but it takes a team.”

Like so many other extraordinary women, Nyad’s success was built on her failures.  She first began her journey to conquer this particular passage when she was 28 years old.  Over the ensuing years and after each attempt, she would regroup, reassess, and apply her learning to improve the plan to conquer.  And in her learning, she realized that a large part of her impending success depended upon team.

The fact is, great professionals don’t get there all by themselves.  In my work with exceptional women, one thing has become clear:  you can have the talent, the plan, and the grit to succeed – but unless you realize the importance of surrounding yourself with the right kind of people in critical roles, your efforts will go to waste.

“It’s not just naïve, but also foolish to think that just one individual is capable of running a large organization on their own,” says Richard Branson, founder of the Virgin Group, and chief influencer in the global marketplace.  When one examines Branson’s success, it’s fair to say that this philosophy works.  He selects not only for the right skills and experience, but also for the right mix of individuals as he fosters the right spirit.  And it pays off.  And the fact is, this approach frees Branson to be – well, the best Branson he can be!

Take stock of your own A-Team, and decide to close the gaps in order to accelerate your success.  What is working well?  What is not working well, or could work better?  What specific steps do you, as leader, need to take, in order to make your team a “10″?

To your success!

Patti

Mai Linn, CEO of a large company in San Francisco, had just informed Cheryl that she was grooming her to take her position.  “She left my office and I started crying,” Cheryl said to me.  “Not because I was overjoyed, but because I suddenly realized that I was living someone else’s life.  I didn’t want to be the next CEO, and I felt like I’d wasted the last 20 years.  That’s why I called you.”

Cheryl had been steadily promoted for almost 20 years, and excelled in all she was assigned.  Regularly asked to take on more responsibilities and special projects, she proved herself time and again, and was acknowledged through new titles and additional salary.  Many colleagues called her “Girl Impossible,” because she was known for reaching goals that challenged even the most seasoned executives.

I used to rush to get to the office and dive into my projects.  I loved the feeling of conquering challenges.  But now, it’s hard to face the office. I feel empty and sad.  Who am I, anyway?  What’s wrong with me?”

As we began to work together, it became clear that Cheryl had never really asked herself what she wanted from her career. Instead, she worked hard for almost two decades, and gratefully accepted the accolades and promotions as they came.  “I was excited to feel like I was climbing up.  Isn’t that supposed to be how it is?  But I forgot one thing – I never asked myself what I wanted – where I wanted to climb, and where I wanted to arrive.  And so I found myself one day where others thought I needed to be.”

Cheryl and I worked to define and design her next professional chapter, and then, over the next few months, we worked an action plan that helped her exit from her corporate position and into the arena of business ownership.  Today, she runs her own successful small company and, with her team of five employees, provides software for personal development.

Asking for what you want and getting it requires five steps.  And the first of those is knowing clearly what you want.  If you don’t define this, the world will decide your life for you.  Pretty scary thought?  You bet.  But no matter where you are in your career or life, you can begin to regroup and take control.  Take a few moments and answer the following questions for yourself:

Where are you, now?

Where do you want to be?

What needs to change in order to get there?

What’s one step you can take, today?

Play big!

Patti