Why are people afraid to ask for what they want? A hesitation to ask can stem from one of the following three causes:
- They don’t know what they want – and don’t want.
- They don’t have the necessary skillset to ask effectively.
- They have a fear of asking.
In my work with professionals who are ready to play a bigger game, it is not unusual to discover that even the most talented and successful people fear asking. This can be for a variety of reasons – a fear of failure, rejection, or that we don’t deserve it.
One of my clients, Katherine,* was working 70 hours weekly, and had consistently produced more than the rest of her department over the past three years. Yet, she felt that she hadn’t laid down enough of a “success track” to ask for the raise she knew some her colleagues had received.
“I haven’t been here that long, and I feel like I need to produce more to show I deserve the hike in pay,” she said.
However, as we talked further, Katherine admitted the real reason she feared her boss would say no. “If he says ‘no,’ this means he thinks I’m not good enough,” she said. “And I would don’t want to feel that rejection. After all – won’t I get a raise when he notices my work and thinks I deserve it?”
Katherine’s fear of asking came from the old, negative automatic thought (NAT), “I’m not good enough,” that often keeps us from many opportunities. In Katherine’s case, she felt she had to prove she was worthy and “enough” by working harder than everyone else, producing more, and waiting for her boss to finally say that she had achieved enough to deserve a raise. As it turns out, Katherine discovered some time later that her boss was under the impression that she was happy at that rate of pay – because she didn’t ask!
Fortunately, we now know that can know that NATs can be eliminated through simple mental exercises designed to reshape our core beliefs and limited thinking. It is possible at any age to intervene, and to step into more of the potential we deserve.
After working with Katherine to overcome her NATs, I was pleased that she went on to ask for a healthy raise – and got it!
What old NATs are holding you back?
* all names and identifying information of Patti’s clients are altered for the purpose of confidentiality.
Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.
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