Patti Cotton

Executive Coach & Career Strategist

tolerance

When Your Executive Can’t Get to the Point

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When Your Executive Can’t Get to the Point
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Have you ever had an executive who just can’t seem to get to the point?  It can be an agonizing monologue, and you, as listener, can easily get lost in their narrative.

How do you help them shorten up the time they spend in detail so that you can determine what they need from you?

Tom asked me to work with him on his tolerance levels with key executives. “Specifically, I’m at my wit’s end with John, one of my key executives.”

“I can’t get past his droning narrative,” Tom continued. “It’s as if every conversation he has begins with when he was born and where. Then I start bristling and cut him off. Lately, I’ve noticed him shutting down, and I’m sure it’s because of my reaction. What do I do?”

“John may be a functional communicator*,” I said. “Does he love details and timelines?”

“I don’t know what a functional communicator is, but he thrives on timelines and charts,” Tom answered. “Burying himself in step-by-step guides and combing through details are a mental trip to Disneyland for John. It drives me crazy!”

“And how do you like to get things done, Tom?” I asked.

“Listen, I’m a big-picture thinker,” he responded. “Don’t bog me down with details. Give me a quick overview, and let me ask a few careful questions. That’s how we can move forward quickly.”

“Then I would call you an intuitive communicator, Tom,” I said. “Too many details can seem distracting to you.”

“You aren’t kidding,” Tom said. “My skin starts crawling when we drop below 40,000 feet.”

“Well, Tom, since you say John is great talent, and you want to negotiate a better way of communicating with him, here are four steps you can take with him.”

  1. Let him know you value his contributions.

Tell John he may have noticed you becoming frustrated upon occasion and that you apologize for this. Share that you recognize this is due to your differing communication styles and is no reflection on how you regard his talent or positive impact on the team.

  1. Share your observation about your communication styles.

Note he appears to be a functional communicator. He likes to outline things in a step-by-step way so that nothing is missed and provide details so that someone has full information by the time he is finished presenting. Ask him if this is correct. After listening and confirming, be sure you let him know you appreciate his desire to be thorough. Then, share your communication style with him.  As an intuitive communicator, you appreciate the aerial view. You like the big picture, and details can be distracting to you. You prefer for him to stick to the main topic and allow you to ask follow-up questions. You will then ask him to share other details he feels are relevant after you ask your questions.

  1. Pick a topic and role play.

Experiment with how it would be to communicate in each other’s preferred styles. In other words, after selecting the topic, share first with him, outlining all details and info John might appreciate. Debrief after having done so to see if this is helpful to him. Then, have John try your style with the same topic, identifying the main point in a sentence and its present or potential impact. He will then sit back for questions. Again, debrief.

  1. Practice.

As you meet together, continue to try each other’s styles as you communicate. Ask each other how it is working, and what could go better. Make sure that you don’t treat this as a test, but as experimenting to find the right way for both.

The next time you become frustrated with a colleague’s communication style, ask yourself what would work for you, instead. Then have the conversation with that person and ask them about their experience with you. Do they also need something different, in order to communicate more smoothly? Suggest experimenting such as is outlined above, and see if this doesn’t improve your working relationship and your ability to get things done together.

*Mark Murphy’s 4 Communication Styles, Leadership IQ

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© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Reset, Reboot, Relaunch – It’s All About 2021

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Reset, Reboot, Relaunch – It’s All About 2021
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As 2020 comes to a close, it is natural for many to feel hopeful about 2021. We now have a promising vaccine in response to the COVID-19 virus which has, for the majority of the year, dictated how we redirect and lead our lives. We have had a tense Presidential election with significant emotions surrounding the process and the event. Other local, national, and world events have added to this stress.

It is only natural that, coming to year-end, people are reflecting on renewal and relaunching their lives. Whether you are a fan or not of New Year’s resolutions, most all of us hope to enjoy a more positive and enjoyable 2021.

Part of a “great reset” involves three steps:

  • Reflection. A reflection on what went well. What were your accomplishments? For what would you like to congratulate yourself? What did not work well? For example, if you found a creative way to strike work-life balance, this is a win to be congratulated. If you made the commitment to exercise five times weekly and did not meet this, flag this as something that did not work well. Write these wins and losses down.
  • Learning. What lessons have you learned after reflecting on the wins and losses that you have listed? Perhaps you decided to turn off your computer at a certain time each day so that you could turn to your family and respect the work-life balance you created. As a result, the learning might be that putting a structure in place such as specified work hours helps support your goals. And in the case of missing the mark with your commitment to exercise, what did you learn there? It may be that you didn’t leave room in your schedule, or that you didn’t identify what kind of exercise might work for you.
  • Commitments. After listing what you have learned, identify what commitments you want to make to yourself going forward. What do you want to bring forward into the new year, and what do you want to leave behind? Again, using our examples, if your learning is that you want to continue structuring time or being more specific for important goals and priorities, how can you apply this to your goals for 2021?

This is a fruitful exercise, and my executive clients find that it helps them stay sharp in their decision-making and execution moving forward.

However, when it comes to leaving behind those things that they have identified as no longer serving them, it becomes challenging to let go.

Why is this?

We human beings are wired for comfort. This means that we also carry a natural inclination to resist change. It is hard to leave the perch! The first step is deciding how you want to leave behind those things that are no longer useful.

Consider the following three choices as you ponder how to streamline and improve your new year.

1. Release

Let it go. As you look back at 2020, what can you let go without remorse or anguish?

Generally, the kinds of things that respond well to release are low-stakes commitments, decisions, or relationships. Often, they come disguised as enjoyable or previously more important, but upon closer inspection, they may now keep you from having the energy and time you might need for greater or more relevant things. What things might you be holding onto out of habit that should be eliminated from your life or work?

2. Reframe

Look at the situation differently. Reframing calls on us to take a different perspective about a situation or person.

An example might be that you have been seeing a particular situation as irritating, or a person as prickly and thus someone to be avoided. Taking a posture to reframe means attempting to “find the gold” or different aspects of that situation which may lend to you feeling better about it.

This is often adopted when the stakes are higher. What have you been putting up with experiencing this year that you feel you need to see a different way? Where in your life or work might you benefit from greater tolerance, compassion, or appreciation of the larger picture?

3. Reconcile

Bring resolution to the problem.

Notice that the previous steps of releasing and reframing require only action on your part. Reconciliation, however, generally requires two or more people (or two or more parts of yourself!) to work.

We generally seek to reconcile when stakes are high, when we want to save the situation or relationship. This will require a negotiation of sorts. At the very least, it will necessitate a revisit of the situation you deem needs reconciling, a conversation, and a shared agreement to resolve the situation.  Sometimes, it requires that we also forgive either the other person or ourselves in order to feel that all is safely put to rest.

As you reflect on this year, and on rebooting life and work to make it even more meaningful and rewarding in the coming new season, what do you need to celebrate? And what do you need to leave behind?

I challenge you to stretch and take the steps to intentionally embrace 2021.

© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Five Hidden Factors Resulting in Meeting Stalemates

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Five Hidden Factors Resulting in Meeting Stalemates
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You’ve reached an impasse in the meeting. Emotions are high.

It’s another stalemate, and this is becoming habit on your team.

Why does this happen? And how do you break through this and reach consensus?

Meeting shutdowns happen for a variety of reasons. And all the tips in the world to facilitate meetings will not work unless you move past the five most common hidden roadblocks that impel people to leave the conversation.

When a meeting stalemates, it is often because team members leave the “window of tolerance,” a term coined by Dan Siegel in his book Mindsight. The window of tolerance is the zone in which people operate optimally, functioning, managing, and thriving. It is the space in which we can do our best critical thinking, exchanging, and considering ideas because when we are in this zone, we are able to use our executive brain – the part of the brain where functions such as creativity, reasoning, critical thinking, and more are centered.

When people leave the window of tolerance, they move to one of two states.

  1. Hyper-arousal

Here, a person will want to fight or flee. They may feel anxious or angry. Emotions run high, and any thinking is based on survival and safety.

  1. Hypo-arousal

Here, a person will shut down, and feel spacey or numb. The body might want to freeze or shut down, and it is difficult to think at all.

How does this work in meetings?

Team members may become heated and even irrational in their attempt to drive home opinions or resist those presented by others. Other team members can shut down and leave the conversation entirely.

When this happens, meeting effectiveness comes to a halt. Most often, the group will decide they need to meet at a later time to revisit the topic. Important decisions are placed on hold. Executives and areas of responsibility are held back. The organization is in limbo.

How do you handle this?

Here are five of the most common inhibitors and some ideas to help the team break through to move forward.

  1. A lack of clarity about the idea or concept presented.

Is the idea or concept being stated clear to others? Has the presenter explained this in a way that everyone understands? If you have a person who cannot state ideas succinctly, this is enough to cause others to discount their message. If you have someone on the team who takes too much space in explaining concepts, here is a “cheat sheet” to help them frame their message in a way that is more concise and convincing.

  1. A lack of understanding as to the business impact or benefits to the organization.

Do people understand how the topic at hand impacts the business? When exploring ideas to support decisions, it is important to connect the dots. How will the idea being presented benefit and impact the organization? What negative realities will need to be dealt with if the overall concept is of value? Asking these questions can help your team think beyond the immediate.

  1. Bias around the message bearer.

It is important for team members to check in on this. We all carry bias. The question is, how do we choose to handle it? Notice if you discount messages coming from any particular team member due to your personal bias about them. How can you give space and compassion to that person and consider the idea they are presenting? This is perhaps the toughest of the five roadblocks, and yet, the most beneficial when we begin to adopt a stance reflecting more empathy and compassion.

  1. Conflict with a personal agenda or conviction.

If a concept is presented that moves counter to the way your own area of responsibility operates, it is enough to cause internal conflict and an aversion to remain open to possibility. Most of us are inclined to respond with statements such as, “Well, that will never work because…” or “We just don’t do things that way…”

Consider replacing these kinds of statements with those such as, “How would that work? What might the benefits be?” This helps you and others stay in the conversation and play with possibilities that could be game changers for your business and the impact it has on the world.

  1. A lack of willingness to embrace change

Change is really tough, and it is not fun. Why? We are creatures of habit and love our comfort zones. Yet, change is when exciting things can happen, and we can take advantage of the opportunity to grow. Check yourself when you feel resistance to change. Recognize where you are in the change cycle on the particular issue being addressed. Then ask yourself what possible benefit you and the organization might enjoy if the change takes place. Awareness around your own resistance and how to manage it if you see benefit are empowering.

Only after these roadblocks have been addressed can you actually move forward to play well as a team and make good decisions together. I challenge you to discuss these factors with your team to begin a new way of approaching and implementing your decision-making together.

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© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.