Patti Cotton

Executive Coach & Career Strategist

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Keeping Your Cool with Difficult Personalities

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Keeping Your Cool with Difficult Personalities
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I admit to having certain hot buttons that, when pushed, really test my ability to keep my cool.

How do you remain calm, focused, and even-handed when someone is triggering yours?

You need three things to stay cool when your buttons are pushed.

  1. Know your hot buttons.

Here is a comprehensive list of hot buttons and explanations that are part of the Conflict Dynamics Profile I use to coach team conflict.

    • Unreliable – those who are unreliable, miss deadlines, cannot be counted on
    • Overly-analytical – those who are perfectionists, over-analyze things. and focus too much on minor issues
    • Unappreciative – those who fail to give credit to others or seldom praise good performance
    • Aloof – those who isolate themselves, do not seek input from others, or are hard to approach
    • Micro-managing – those who constantly monitor and check up on the work of others
    • Self-centered – those who are self-centered or believe they are always correct
    • Abrasive – those who are arrogant, sarcastic, and abrasive
    • Untrustworthy – those who exploit others, take underserved credit, or cannot be trusted
    • Hostile – those who lose their tempers, become angry inappropriately, yell at others

Which of these are your hot buttons?

In order to tame them, you must recognize them first.

  1. Take a moment to ward off flooding.

Emotions rise when we are triggered, and we can experience what is called “flooding.” This is another term for overwhelm, during which the stress hormones adrenalin and cortisol flood the nervous system and put us in a state of fight or flight.

The problem with flooding is that it influences our thought patterns and the way we see others. Poor thinking and reactions ensue. Science tells us that it requires around 20 minutes or more for flooding to dissipate – and in some situations, you may not be able to afford such a pause.

How do you get in front of this? 

    • Sharpen your awareness around early trigger signs before it becomes a problem.

If you recognize one of your hot buttons has just been pushed, take three deep breaths (literally!), relax your shoulders, and pause. Identify the physical sensations you are experiencing as a result of the trigger. Where do you feel tense or weight? Is your heart rate elevating? Name these as you piece them out as a way to separate them from you. Continue slow and easy breathing to calm these sensations down.

    • What emotions are you experiencing?

Remind yourself that these are separate from the actual issue at hand. If you are in a “hot state” and you can’t regulate this, you will continue to encourage the flooding process.

    • End the conversation if you recognize you are flooded.

Tell the other person you will need to take a break and come back a bit later to continue the conversation. Go for a walk, if possible, and as you piece out and calm down your emotions and physical sensations, refocus to the actual issue at hand. What conversation is needed to resolve the interaction? 

  1. Train yourself to redirect natural impulses to react.

In a calm and reflective state in which there is no triggering situation at hand, review your list of hot buttons.

For each, recall how you normally react when it has been activated. Now, imagine how you would like to respond to it in future. Rewrite 1-2 instances where this hot button has been pushed in the past. Now, in the place of the reaction you had to the situation, visualize yourself responding in the ideal way you have envisioned.

Run this through your mind several times to create a brain “memory.” As you do this over time, your brain will begin to recall this as an established pattern and move toward it in situations where you are triggered.

What is the stress from reacting to triggers costing you?

If you are like most, the list can include your ability to make good decisions, enjoy healthy and productive relationships, your ability to lead, and ultimately, your health. I challenge you to learn how manage yourself in a more effective way by mastering your hot buttons.

HOW MUCH

DO OTHERS REALLY TRUST YOU?

​Learn the two vital parts to trust and how they can help you become a more highly effective leader.

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How to Fall in Love with Conflict

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How to Fall in Love with Conflict
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Most executives tell me they hate conflict and run quickly from it. And if they can’t escape it, they report handling it poorly. After all, who likes tension?

I’d like to offer an alternate paradigm – how would you like to fall in love with conflict?

I can give you some compelling reasons why – and some tips on making the shift toward welcoming conflict as a growth opportunity.

Need some convincing?

Here is why you want to shift the way you think about and approach conflict.

Conflict will always be present.

I like to say, “Where there are two or more people gathered together, there will be conflict!”

Why? Varying perspectives, beliefs, convictions, agendas… This means you can’t run and hide forever, unless you choose to be a hermit.

Conflict is an opportunity to strengthen working relationships.

If handled well, separating issues from personalities, it can become a way that two opposing parties become a unified team solving a problem together.

Conflict opens doors to new and creative possibilities.

Ever heard someone say, “What’s the third good option?”

This means, can we move from “either, or” (your way or my way), to another solution that might give both of us what we need…that might solve the issue even better?”

How do you get to the point where you actually love conflict when you encounter it?

The tricky thing is most of us fear conflict until we learn how to handle it, and we tend to run to our own platform of emotional safety.

In order to move from fear to a state of openness, you will first want to recognize what conflict can do for you, your relationships, and potential outcomes.

Here are five tips to get you started so that you can truly begin to fall in love with conflict:

1. Begin to shift your personal views about what conflict is.

Begin recognizing that conflict can be an exciting opportunity for dialogue and reaching shared agreement around issues that are important to you and to solving problems.

Conflict is usually a simple combination of (1) two or more people, or different parts of the same person; (2) a disagreement over unresolved issues, process, outcomes, or facts; and (3) negative emotions around strong convictions or one’s opinion on said issue/process/facts.

There can be more variables to creating a conflict, but these three are all you need to get a conflict started. If you find yourself in conflict and can remember the anatomy of conflict above, it will allow you to take a deep breath as you begin to approach it.

2. Recognize that personal triggers around conflict may or may not be valid.

Each time a conflict arises, you probably get two triggers – an emotional one and a physical one.

When this happens, your mind makes up a story to support your bodily sensations and emotions, such as, “This is unpleasant and doesn’t feel good. Leave immediately.”

What you are experiencing is the safety mechanism your brain developed for you from an early age so that you feel safe. However, now that you are an adult, it’s time to re-examine this conditioning, because some of these triggers are no longer useful or valid.

For example, when you were small, you may have felt rejected or inappropriate for speaking up in at the dinner table. But now that you are older, not being able to speak up in groups or social settings may be debilitating for you.

So, as you move forward and experience uncomfortable sensations and emotions, ask yourself if these triggers are valid for the situation, or if you need to take a deep breath and re-examine what is happening.

3. Set the stage for collaboration with others in the conflict.

Change your language about conflict as it arises with others. When the air is tense, it’s helpful to remind yourself and others that this is actually a growth opportunity. Be a leader in setting this new framework with statements or phrases that include, “I’m feeling some tension, here. Can we talk together about the issue that’s stirring the pot for us?” Or, “I feel passionate about this, and it seems like you do, too. I think we can come up with a creative solution. Are you game to sit with me so we can work this out?”

Notice that I am avoiding any finger-pointing in these phrases. I am also using a lot of “we” phraseology – can “we” work this out, can “we” sit down together… By using this kind of language, you are implying that you are collaborative, on the same team. This is when great things can happen.

4. See pause points as growth opportunities.

Are you and the other person in the conflict stalled at a certain point in working things out?

Say so.

Call this out, as though you are noticing an elephant in the room. When tension mounts, so can voices, platforms, and personal agendas.

On the other hand, when you are able to name the tension in the room, this allows the other person to relax a bit, as well. You might ask them if they would like some water or coffee, or to stretch their legs a bit. Get up and stretch yours. This will provide some regrouping of energy and emotion, so that when you come back together to sit and examine the matter at hand, you can do so more even-handedly. And handling things in this way is great growth.

5. Thank the other person for being willing to work things out with you.

At the beginning of your conversation together, and again after you have reached an outcome or conclusion, let the other party know that you appreciate their willingness to explore things together. You want to help them see that working things out with you is collaborative, even-handed, thoughtful, and respectful. You want to encourage them to come back next time so that the two of you can arrive at some great solutions together.

If you can begin to approach conflict with these five steps, you have not only set the stage to work things out, but to forge deeper, more meaningful relationships and greater outcomes.

Where do you feel you excel in conflict management? And where would you like to be stronger?

Why You Need Your Emotions for Rational Decision-Making

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We spend a lot of our lives learning to master emotions. Sometimes they overcome us, and we goof things up. So we try to discount them or put them aside in an effort to be more rational in our decisions and actions.

But discounting or ignoring emotions isn’t really mastering them. You need your emotions in order to make your best decisions. Sound counter-intuitive?

In my work with high-potential female executives, I find quite often that these women have shut off their emotions, feeling these get in their way. Often, they have been told they were being too emotional in a certain situation, or they have found themselves overwhelmed with feelings when confronting a critical scenario, and it kept them from moving forward. Somehow, these women decided to shut off the “feeling part” of themselves in order to execute and get ahead.

Bad move.

Emotions are meant to trigger or alert you to something. When you ignore these, negative consequences are in store, not only for yourself, but for the way you are able to work with others, and ultimately succeed.

So how do you manage your emotions so that they actually help you get ahead?

There are three steps to managing and bridging your feelings so you can support your best thinking and actions:

1. Recognize the emotion you are feeling in a situation.

This may sound easier than it is. I once coached Sandy, a member of her company’s C-Suite, who could only name two emotions that she felt – anger and fear. Because of this, she continuously operated from the “fight or flight” part of her brain – high stress, and low reasoning. As a result, her decision-making suffered. We spent a couple of months helping her to identify and expand her lexicon of emotions as I coached her on how to handle specific situations. Why? Emotions are “gut triggers.” It means, “Hey, something is up, here! Pay attention!” This allowed her to move from a “fight or flight” mode to the reasoning part of her brain.

2. Decide how you want to manage the emotion.

Recognizing what emotion you are experiencing in a certain situation allows you to ask yourself how you would like to handle it. Just because someone has angered you doesn’t mean you need to express your anger. It means, instead, that you can ask yourself why you are experiencing this, whether it comes from a bias or is relevant and appropriate to the situation, and what you want to do behaviorally because of your reflection. This process puts you in charge. Once Sandy could identify the emotion she was feeling in a certain situation, she was able to reason more effectively, asking herself what this emotion was telling her, and whether this was viably related to the decision or situation at hand.

3. Allow your emotional self to collaborate with your rational self.

When you have checked in with yourself as to why you are feeling a certain emotion, where it comes from, and how you want to handle the emotion, you have made space for your rational self to join at the table. Having recognized how you are feeling, what the emotion is telling you, and deciding how you want to handle the emotion, you can now ask yourself to identify the real issue at hand so that you can resolve it most effectively. Sandy discovered that a colleague had undermined her to her staff. When she stopped to recognize how she felt about this, how she wanted to manage it, she then felt much more in control of how she dealt with the situation. Instead of operating from her “hot buttons” as she would have done in the past, she was able to discuss the issue calmly with him, and worked to resolve things.

How do emotions affect the way you work? Join us for our LinkedIn discussion and share!

Patti Cotton helps women executives optimize their effectiveness in leading self, others, and enterprises. Her areas of focus include confidence, leadership style, executive presence, effective communication, and masterful execution. With over 25 years of leadership experience, both stateside and abroad, Patti works with individuals, teams, and organizations across industries, providing executive coaching, women’s leadership development, change, and conflict management. She is also a Fortune 500 speaker. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.