effectiveness - Patti Cotton

Why We Don’t Have That Critical Conversation — Image Credit: Shutterstock

When was the last time that you looked forward to having a difficult conversation?

Most of us run from confrontation. Consequently, we carry the weight from unresolved conflict and sub-par relationships.

What keeps us from having more emotional courage to confront?

There are 3 top reasons why:

1. You don’t feel safe.

You may feel that the difficult conversation you need to have will place you in a vulnerable position. For example, the person you may need to confront is your boss.

If that person has a history of questioning the motives of the message-bearer and judging them, rather than to focus on the issue and solve it proactively, this will feel unsafe. You will worry about negative repercussions such as branding you, and this will cause you to hesitate clearing the air.

If this is your situation, you will want to weigh the pros and cons of addressing the issue to come to some sort of resolve. If you do not, you will carry the burden of stress and discomfort from an unresolved situation or relationship, which hurts not only you, but all others involved and those around you.

2. You fear loss.

You may feel that by confronting, you will risk being rejected or unloved. If you identify with this, you may have an element of “people pleaser” in you, which requires some work.

People-pleasing weakens the effectiveness of leadership and threatens the integrity of your decision-making.

A first step in realigning this is to change the expectations you hold for yourself. Fact: You cannot please everyone – but you can certainly earn and hold their respect.

As you consider having a difficult conversation, ask yourself what you fear happening most. More likely than not, you will recognize that your base fear is not rational. The chances are slim that the whole world will turn their back on your leadership if you make an unpopular decision.

Ask yourself what positive things you can gain by having the conversation, and identify how this will positively affect your work, life, and others affected by the current negative state – a great start to lifting up emotional courage.

3. You aren’t comfortable with negative emotions.

Human beings don’t like discomfort, and most of us have not been taught the value of negative emotions.

They therefore make us mentally and physically uncomfortable and we seek to avoid them. Instead of this, consider managing them.

Negative emotions are really key indicators that invite you to pay more attention to the situations that have created them. Use these smart and helpful alerts to decipher what about the situation or problem is upsetting. This will help you to widen your lens as you consider solutions.

Where, within these three areas, do you need to strengthen your emotional courage so that you can become more effective in your leadership?

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© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

You probably remember the old saying, “Monkey see, monkey do!”

The reference to monkeys is because researchers have noted that when one monkey sees another monkey do something, it quite often does likewise. So we use this old saying when describing the foolishness of one person mimicking another without thinking.

And although you may think that this occurs only with children, or because of a lack of sound reasoning skills, there is actually a scientific explanation as to why all of us do this to a certain extent without knowing it.

In fact, your ability to lead is probably being affected right now.

How can you identify where this is happening, and stop it from compromising your effectiveness?

First, it’s necessary to understand why we copy each other without realizing it.

We are social beings, and Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy has been revised in recent years to reflect that at the foundation of the pyramid is the need to belong. This means that we are wired and hungry to connect and collaborate as a part of a larger body or group.

To help us do just that, our brains are actually wired to act as “social glue” so that we can empathize and connect. Researchers have observed that the mirror neurons, specialized cells in the brain, facilitate this at a subconscious level.

The problem is, that as we seek to connect, empathize, and to belong, we can meld into larger group dynamics. We can blend into the tribe without realizing it and adopt behaviors and mindsets that don’t serve us well.

Think about it. Reflect on the five people with whom you surround yourself on a daily basis. Not necessarily those with whom you feel a particular closeness, but people with whom you are in contact, such as colleagues, co-workers.

A quick assessment will show you whether you are in the right place or not:

Where are members of your group headed – somewhere, or nowhere? Are these people action-oriented and goal-focused, or are they wishing and hoping their career or life would change?
How do these people govern themselves? Are they values-driven, directional, and proactive – or reactive to and blaming the world around them?
What does the group language reflect? Is there a positive tone, or one of negativity?
What does the group focus reveal? Is the focus on the world around them and how to contribute to make it even better – or are they playing “auditory sitcom,” where they talk mainly about other people and situations?
Who is the weakest link in the chain within the group? Surprisingly, this is the one who has the most power to hold the group right where it is – stuck.

If, after diligent assessment, you see room for improvement, as yourself – what are you going to do about this? You can either sink back into complacency – or move the needle by making some game-changing choices.

Up to you – what’s your next move?

Patti Cotton helps women executives optimize their effectiveness in leading self, others, and enterprises. Her areas of focus include confidence, leadership style, executive presence, effective communication, and masterful execution. With over 25 years of leadership experience, both stateside and abroad, Patti works with individuals, teams, and organizations across industries, providing executive coaching, women’s leadership development, change, and conflict management. She is also a Fortune 500 speaker. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.