company challenges

Do you have a people pleaser on the executive team? Someone who might change opinions depending on which way the wind blows?

If so, you have a major trust leak in the team.

How can you tell if you have a people pleaser? And what can you do if you identify one?

Your people pleaser means well. In fact, this is his or her main driving force in life. But because they are busy making sure they fit in, people pleasers can’t support a particular idea or direction with integrity.

Sandy was a newly appointed executive in a large software tech company. One of the chief reasons she had interviewed well was that she exhibited a great deal of empathy.

“We needed more empathy on the executive team,” said Anna, the CEO. “In our world, tech can tend to come before people, and we were making an effort to infuse leadership with more human connection and understanding.”

“You are right to keep that in mind,” I answered. “We are losing human connection in the workplace. And empathy as one of the emotional intelligence traits is key in leadership.”

“She also brought a wealth of technical knowledge, so I felt it was a great combo,” Anna continued. “But I’m noticing that she can’t tether to a decision she makes. And she actually looks at other people to see what they are going to say before she offers an opinion.”

“This is serious,” I said. “It sounds like you have someone on the team who is stuck in what we call ‘the socialized mind.’”

“Well, whatever you call it, the team has started to distrust her. They don’t know how to take what she says or presents with any kind of certainty. She pretends to agree with everyone and seems to try to act like the people around her. A real chameleon. And she is constantly asking for feedback – seems to need praise to feel good. It’s exhausting.”

“Those are hallmarks of a socialized mind,” I responded. “This means she relies on the external world to tell her who she is and what value she brings.”

“It’s just not working,” Anna said. “I need someone who can contribute by bringing her own perspective and expertise to the mix. Someone who isn’t afraid to counter an opinion, but who can also negotiate to a great solution. When I tried to talk with her about this the other day, she just kept apologizing and started crying. I need your help.”

I met with Sandy, who was, of course, eager to please. It was clear she needed to show me that she understood and agreed with me, no matter what I shared. Not surprising, as we are all creatures of comfort who need to feel that we are accepted and safe. We took some time to become acquainted so that I could develop trust with her. I asked her what she felt was the challenge from her perspective.

“I just want to do the right thing,” she said. “Hearing what is needed is important to me. And I want to make sure I align with others’ thinking so I get it right.”

This showed me clearly that she was ready for growth. There were several things we did over the course of eight months that helped Sandy move from this people-pleasing state to one that was more tethered to her values and beliefs, even in the face of conflict.

A first phase in coaching Sandy was to help her recognize where she was trying to please others instead of standing true to herself as she negotiated solutions with the team. We began by doing some personal values work to solidify her sense of self and to use as a litmus when forming opinions.

At the same time, we identified her fears around carrying different opinions than her team members and tested out of this mindset trap in small ways so that she could become accustomed to disagreeing with others as it felt comfortable.

As her confidence grew, we explored key issues in her company and identifying multiple perspectives on how to solve these. Becoming comfortable with the complex and various ways to resolve such can be threatening to someone who needs to be right in others’ eyes. Working with real-time challenges with which she was familiar helped her to become more comfortable with weighing various options and seeing that more than one might be right.

Later, developing Sandy’s comfort and lens on seeing things as systems was important. The world is complex, and this can be overwhelming for anyone. A person of socialized mind can feel threatened by such complexity. Learning to first see complexity as a system and to become comfortable with the pieces in order to make decisions is key for today’s leadership.

Sandy’s team members rallied, seeing integrity in how she showed up and contributed. She felt the positive results and worked on developing closer relationships with each to strengthen her credibility.

The end result of our coaching? Sandy became a trusted contributor at the leadership level and the company benefited greatly, as well.

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© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Do You Have an Absentee Leader on Your Team? — Image Credit: Shutterstock

Absentee leadership is rarely discussed, but it is perhaps the most destructive of all poor leadership types. It can do more to compromise employee engagement, morale, and productivity than other faulty leadership styles.

Unfortunately, it is also the most difficult of the styles to detect, which means you may have one on your team right now.

How can you detect whether you have this element in the executive circle? And what can you do about it?

Also called an emotionally disengaged leader, an Absentee leads in title only. They are people who are perhaps promoted into management because they did great work in their previous position, and they enjoy the perks and rewards of their current elevated status. However, they do not put in the hard work of engaging with their team to provide direction and support. You might say that they deplete the organization’s value because they are taking from it, but not investing back into it.

This affects the teams and individuals in their area of responsibility in a much more insidious way because absentee leadership behaviors can cause confusion in roles, conflict between staff, and increased stress leading to work and health problems.

Symptoms that you have an Absentee on your team can include:

End runs for answers.

Do you have employees from a specific area within the organization that continue to come to you for answers? Ask yourself why. Allowing or even supporting this disempowers their leader and crowds your calendar. If you have not encouraged this dynamic, it may be that these employees are not getting answers from the person who should be supporting them. Don’t fall into the trap of giving a quick and easy response to these queries; instead, make time to sit with the leader who should be supplying answers and share what you are noticing. The goal of this exercise is not to punish the employees, but to explore why they are not getting answers. Deep dive on this one.

Increased conflict or interpersonal problems.

Do you have employees or an area within the organization that cyclically erupts? This is a reflection of unmanaged emotions and a lack of ability to negotiate relationships. If this is a trend, it is a reflection of someone allowing this to continue. I would call this an Absentee leader, since the leader is either aware of the situation but steps back from confronting, or they are unaware, which is worse. Again, this requires a conversation and some coaching around expectations. You’ll need to stick closely to the Absentee during a corrective period to monitor their progress. Absentees can disappear easily in the company crowd. They are generally nice people who don’t make noise, which allows them to hide behind other more evident company challenges.

Team grumbling or low performance.

When conducting employee forums or interdepartmental meetings, do you notice that dissatisfaction is expressed from the same corners every time? Is there a team that is known for its compromised performance? A chronic poor attitude or behavior in either individuals or team is a clear sign that someone is not present for their team, providing coaching, corrective feedback, and upholding expectations. Again, your approach would be the same – to sit with your Absentee and outline what you are observing, how it is impacting others and the company, and to define clearly what you want to see. Monitor, monitor, monitor.

This topic is worth careful study if you want highest ROI from your executive team.

The impact of absentee leadership on job satisfaction outlasts the impact of both constructive and overtly destructive forms of leadership. This costs your company not only now, but in future, since best efforts to turn this around take time.

And at a time when your focus needs to be on leading the organization into the future, you can’t afford to compromise.

HOW MUCH

DO OTHERS REALLY TRUST YOU?

Learn the two vital parts to trust and how they can help you become a more highly effective leader.

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