company benefits - Patti Cotton

Do you have a people pleaser on the executive team? Someone who might change opinions depending on which way the wind blows?

If so, you have a major trust leak in the team.

How can you tell if you have a people pleaser? And what can you do if you identify one?

Your people pleaser means well. In fact, this is his or her main driving force in life. But because they are busy making sure they fit in, people pleasers can’t support a particular idea or direction with integrity.

Sandy was a newly appointed executive in a large software tech company. One of the chief reasons she had interviewed well was that she exhibited a great deal of empathy.

“We needed more empathy on the executive team,” said Anna, the CEO. “In our world, tech can tend to come before people, and we were making an effort to infuse leadership with more human connection and understanding.”

“You are right to keep that in mind,” I answered. “We are losing human connection in the workplace. And empathy as one of the emotional intelligence traits is key in leadership.”

“She also brought a wealth of technical knowledge, so I felt it was a great combo,” Anna continued. “But I’m noticing that she can’t tether to a decision she makes. And she actually looks at other people to see what they are going to say before she offers an opinion.”

“This is serious,” I said. “It sounds like you have someone on the team who is stuck in what we call ‘the socialized mind.’”

“Well, whatever you call it, the team has started to distrust her. They don’t know how to take what she says or presents with any kind of certainty. She pretends to agree with everyone and seems to try to act like the people around her. A real chameleon. And she is constantly asking for feedback – seems to need praise to feel good. It’s exhausting.”

“Those are hallmarks of a socialized mind,” I responded. “This means she relies on the external world to tell her who she is and what value she brings.”

“It’s just not working,” Anna said. “I need someone who can contribute by bringing her own perspective and expertise to the mix. Someone who isn’t afraid to counter an opinion, but who can also negotiate to a great solution. When I tried to talk with her about this the other day, she just kept apologizing and started crying. I need your help.”

I met with Sandy, who was, of course, eager to please. It was clear she needed to show me that she understood and agreed with me, no matter what I shared. Not surprising, as we are all creatures of comfort who need to feel that we are accepted and safe. We took some time to become acquainted so that I could develop trust with her. I asked her what she felt was the challenge from her perspective.

“I just want to do the right thing,” she said. “Hearing what is needed is important to me. And I want to make sure I align with others’ thinking so I get it right.”

This showed me clearly that she was ready for growth. There were several things we did over the course of eight months that helped Sandy move from this people-pleasing state to one that was more tethered to her values and beliefs, even in the face of conflict.

A first phase in coaching Sandy was to help her recognize where she was trying to please others instead of standing true to herself as she negotiated solutions with the team. We began by doing some personal values work to solidify her sense of self and to use as a litmus when forming opinions.

At the same time, we identified her fears around carrying different opinions than her team members and tested out of this mindset trap in small ways so that she could become accustomed to disagreeing with others as it felt comfortable.

As her confidence grew, we explored key issues in her company and identifying multiple perspectives on how to solve these. Becoming comfortable with the complex and various ways to resolve such can be threatening to someone who needs to be right in others’ eyes. Working with real-time challenges with which she was familiar helped her to become more comfortable with weighing various options and seeing that more than one might be right.

Later, developing Sandy’s comfort and lens on seeing things as systems was important. The world is complex, and this can be overwhelming for anyone. A person of socialized mind can feel threatened by such complexity. Learning to first see complexity as a system and to become comfortable with the pieces in order to make decisions is key for today’s leadership.

Sandy’s team members rallied, seeing integrity in how she showed up and contributed. She felt the positive results and worked on developing closer relationships with each to strengthen her credibility.

The end result of our coaching? Sandy became a trusted contributor at the leadership level and the company benefited greatly, as well.

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© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

Seven Steps to Providing Supportive Feedback — Image Credit: Shutterstock

Have you ever had an employee ask for feedback?

In theory, this is a good thing. After all, who doesn’t want to lend a hand when a colleague or report asks for help – especially when it pertains to their effectiveness on the job?

Or perhaps you see the need to give an employee feedback, even when they haven’t asked for it.

Either way, you may not feel safe or comfortable as you think about what might happen as a result. Your intention to help may be met by the employee becoming defensive, hurt, or angry.

What then?

How do you handle this? How do you provide information that is candid and in their best interest, and do so in a way that doesn’t backfire?

Seven Steps to Providing Supportive Feedback

1. Be thoughtful and specific about what you both want to accomplish.

Whether your employee has initiated the conversation by asking for feedback, or you have recognized that feedback is needed and have asked them to talk to you, you will want to identify why the feedback is needed and how this will help them, their team, and the company going forward. This will help you frame the conversation supportively, and help them to understand impact.

2. Set up an appropriate setting for your conversation together.

Make sure you and the employee have some dedicated time and are in a place that is quiet and confidential. Feedback provided in passing or in a public place is neither respectful nor beneficial.

3. Emphasize to the employee your desire to be helpful by providing feedback.

If they have initiated this conversation, thank them for placing confidence in you as part of their growth trajectory. If, on the other hand, you have initiated the conversation, you can share that part of your role is to help them grow into more of their potential, and that you take this seriously. In either case, you will want to convey that you come with best intentions and the desire to support them.

4. Affirm them first for the value they bring to the team and the company, noting some of the key strengths you appreciate in them, and how these strengths benefit the company.

Be specific. Use illustrations. For example, saying that someone brings a lot of strengths to the table is too vague and may sound dismissive. On the other hand, identifying that someone exhibits a lot of integrity in the way they deliver results on time or include others, for example, during the last major project…well, you can see the difference. Follow the latter illustration as you recognize their value.

5. Pay attention to your language as you point out growth opportunities.

Let’s say that your employee has a habit of over-promising and under-delivering. Rather than say, “You are untrustworthy,” or “I can’t count on you,” use an illustration to show how their behavior impacts the situation. You might say, “You and I agreed on a deadline for your piece of the XYZ Project. When you were unable to meet this, it meant the team was delayed two weeks in completing their portion so that we could deliver to the customer on time.”

6. Tell them what you need and offer your help by coaching them on this going forward.

Following our illustration, ask them, “Can you shed light on this? Is there something I am missing?” Pause and allow them to respond. If they do not realize this problem is isolated, you may want to give a second situation where it occurred. Either way, you can then ask, “How can I help you so that this one area doesn’t hold you back?” Asking, rather than telling, will allow them a growth moment, allowing them to develop awareness about the problem, and to identify any possible solutions.

7. Offer a go-forward plan.

You can share any insights you have, once you have allowed them to respond. And be intentional about checking in on a regular basis to share how you feel it is going. Catch them doing right when they are on time, and let them know you appreciate it. Give them feedback, as well, if it occurs again, and ask them to help you identify how you can work together to avoid it in future. Hold shared accountability in this.

I’d like to hear of your experience in giving feedback. What has worked – or not worked – for you? How do you use this knowledge as you provide feedback going forward?

Patti Cotton

Patti Cotton reenergizes talented leaders and their teams to achieve fulfillment and extraordinary results. For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.