Patti Cotton

Executive Coach & Career Strategist

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Why We Don’t Have That Critical Conversation

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Why We Don’t Have That Critical Conversation
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When was the last time that you looked forward to having a difficult conversation?

Most of us run from confrontation. Consequently, we carry the weight from unresolved conflict and sub-par relationships.

What keeps us from having more emotional courage to confront?

There are 3 top reasons why:

1. You don’t feel safe.

You may feel that the difficult conversation you need to have will place you in a vulnerable position. For example, the person you may need to confront is your boss.

If that person has a history of questioning the motives of the message-bearer and judging them, rather than to focus on the issue and solve it proactively, this will feel unsafe. You will worry about negative repercussions such as branding you, and this will cause you to hesitate clearing the air.

If this is your situation, you will want to weigh the pros and cons of addressing the issue to come to some sort of resolve. If you do not, you will carry the burden of stress and discomfort from an unresolved situation or relationship, which hurts not only you, but all others involved and those around you.

2. You fear loss.

You may feel that by confronting, you will risk being rejected or unloved. If you identify with this, you may have an element of “people pleaser” in you, which requires some work.

People-pleasing weakens the effectiveness of leadership and threatens the integrity of your decision-making.

A first step in realigning this is to change the expectations you hold for yourself. Fact: You cannot please everyone – but you can certainly earn and hold their respect.

As you consider having a difficult conversation, ask yourself what you fear happening most. More likely than not, you will recognize that your base fear is not rational. The chances are slim that the whole world will turn their back on your leadership if you make an unpopular decision.

Ask yourself what positive things you can gain by having the conversation, and identify how this will positively affect your work, life, and others affected by the current negative state – a great start to lifting up emotional courage.

3. You aren’t comfortable with negative emotions.

Human beings don’t like discomfort, and most of us have not been taught the value of negative emotions.

They therefore make us mentally and physically uncomfortable and we seek to avoid them. Instead of this, consider managing them.

Negative emotions are really key indicators that invite you to pay more attention to the situations that have created them. Use these smart and helpful alerts to decipher what about the situation or problem is upsetting. This will help you to widen your lens as you consider solutions.

Where, within these three areas, do you need to strengthen your emotional courage so that you can become more effective in your leadership?

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© Patti Cotton and patticotton.com. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that attribution is made to Patti Cotton and patticotton.com, with links thereto.

A Multi-Million Dollar Company with No One Leading

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A Multi-Million Dollar Company with No One Leading

Mediation and Conflict Resolution

All names and other identifying information have been changed to protect confidentiality.

I was called to work with one of the largest construction companies in the Midwest, which was a recent merger of three very successful smaller construction companies.

“I want you to find out what’s wrong with these employees of mine,” said the president, looking at me across the desk. “These people aren’t putting in the sweat equity they should. In fact, I think a few of them are lazy – some need to be fired. Most are complaining that they haven’t gotten a raise in a long time, but before I go handing out candy, they need to show their stuff and get these back orders out.”

“Back orders?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. “We have $40 Million in back orders we cannot fill, and the bank is telling me I have 90 days to get it fixed, or they are calling in the loan. We may fold before spring if these lazy employees don’t get cracking.”

The president (we will call him Max) gave me a bit of background about the company. He was formerly the owner of a smaller construction business. Two years prior, he had purchased another construction company, and then invited the president of a third company, Jim, to join him so that together, they formed the largest company in the industry in the Midwest.

As Max gave me more details about this very critical situation, I proposed that we meet with the other owner, Jim, as well as their new COO, Tom, to design a quick, impactful plan to get the back orders out and avoid the bank’s loan recall.

“Oh, no, I don’t want Tom in this. I’m still teaching Tom the ropes of the business, and I want to see how well he does before I give him more responsibility. And Jim and I aren’t, uh, talking to each other right now. He isn’t interested in this side of the business, anyway. He just stays out in his warehouse office and works on his invention.”

“His invention?”

“Listen,” Max shot back, “The co-owner doesn’t care about anything but sitting in his office down the street all day playing with some new product that is supposed to revolutionize the industry. I hate to admit it to you, but he hasn’t seen the financials for more than a year. I’ve been busy putting out other fires. It would be a little embarrassing for me to let him in on what’s happening right now.”

“You mean your co-owner doesn’t know the bank is threatening to recall the loan? That you have $40 Million in back orders you can’t fill?” I stammered.

Max just grinned sheepishly and stared at me.

At this point, dear Reader, you may be thinking this story is fabricated. After all, a real company cannot operate like this, can it? Yes, it can. I was there.

But it was due to fold – with problems obviously starting and ending at the very top.

“Max,” I said, “Before we do anything else, we have to let the co-owner and the COO in on the problem – you are going to need help and buy-in with the solution.”

“It’s all over, then,” he buried his face in his hands. “You don’t understand these guys – they don’t know how to run a business like I do. And they are difficult to deal with.”

I sat in stunned silence. Of course, you know that what was running through my mind was that Max didn’t know how to run a business either – and he was difficult to deal with, too.

How did the company come to this point? It starts and ends with leadership, doesn’t it? The health or lack of health in leadership is felt at every level of any enterprise. And there are several key factors that fell short in this particular case.

But I’ll talk about three important ones here:

1. Lack of clear roles and responsibilities.

Max and Jim had decided that Max would operate as CEO, but they didn’t know what this meant. And they never defined any responsibilities for either of them. Max fell into running the company because he liked being the boss. Jim busied himself with doing what he loved best – tinkering to invent a product that would put the company on the map. Max brought Tom in to fix the “employee problem,” but hadn’t allowed him to get near any employees, yet, except for a small satellite office at the other end of the state. Max said he “wanted to test Tom’s abilities, first.” This had been going on for months when I got there.

2. Lack of accountability.

As you can see from #1 above, none of the executive team was holding themselves or each other accountable. Max loved to sell and make deals, so this is what he was doing with investors – and yet, he wasn’t managing the directors and managers so that the company could run effectively.

Tom, the new COO, had tried to insert himself several times by proposing to oversee the management team, but Max shut him down each time, saying “You need to do what I’ve given you to do first so I can cut you loose.”

Max had, in fact, made the fatal mistake of assigning Tom to a small area of the company that had little to do with production and the problem at hand. And Max wasn’t investigating the real problem, either.

And then, there was Jim. Jim loved to tinker. Alone in his office all day. I still don’t know how he survived his original business before Max brought it on to combine it with his own.

3. Lack of communication.

How in the world did three men who held such high responsibilities find themselves in a place where no one knew what the others were doing – and the company was going down?

A multi-million dollar company with no one leading.

Why didn’t Max communicate? Max claimed that he couldn’t talk to Jim because the latter had a temper, so Max avoided keeping Jim up to date with financials, challenges, and other vital pieces of information. And Max claimed that Tom was too new to know what he was doing and so withheld information from him that could have helped Tom to help the company.

Why didn’t Jim communicate? He told me he thought Max was an arrogant idiot who was so hard-headed that it was impossible to talk with him. Jim said that Tom was a nice fellow, but he wasn’t sure he trusted him because Tom was always in Max’s office.

And Tom? Tom didn’t communicate with Max because he had asked too many questions too many times and been shut down to the point where he was silently contemplating quitting and moving his family back East. And he didn’t communicate with Jim, because Jim always had his door closed down at that warehouse office.

At every turn, there were unspoken conversations and unresolved conflict because people weren’t asking the hard questions, and providing tough information to each other.

Avoiding these critical conversations had resulted in one giant fiasco.

You can guess that the initial meeting with the four of us was not a gentle one. Tempers and voices flared, and it took some mediating to reach an agreement as to how to talk with each other and work through the problem so that we could get to the issues at hand. We finally reached consensus on what strategies to take, who would be responsible for what, and how to hold self and each other accountable through this critical process.

I frankly breathed a sigh of relief. Mediating and coaching conflict in such a situation are not easy, but we came out linking arms.

Sometime later, after leadership diverted the crisis, I would fire Max (yes, I have fired a couple of clients). I would have loved to stay on to help shift culture, and help the company excel. But Max was not willing to be transparent with Jim and Tom about some critical issues, and he wasn’t willing to work on his own leadership. He just kept blaming everyone and everything else. Shortly after I fired him, his board fired him as well.

I’m glad to say that Tom has taken over running the company, and has really turned things around. And Jim? He is still inventing things in his warehouse office that are bound to revolutionize the industry.

What poor style of leadership have you witnessed or heard about in the past?

Curious about your strengths in leadership?
Click below to take the Impact Assessment.

TAKE THE IMPACT ASSESSMENThttp://inspireinfluenceimpactquiz.com/

Patti Cotton is a CEO and former foreign diplomat. A sixth generation business owner, Patti not only coaches leaders – she has extensive experience in actually being one. Her experience, record of unprecedented success, and extensive training and certifications make her uniquely qualified to bring value to you and your team in the areas of leading self, leading others, and leading the enterprise.

Patti’s areas of focus include leadership and talent development, with specialization in leadership behavior and communication, conflict management, executive presence, succession planning, and strategic personal, leadership, and organizational growth.

With over 25 years of proven leadership experience, Patti works with individuals, teams, and organizations across diverse industries. As an executive coach, trainer, and Fortune 500 speaker, she will inspire, influence, and impact your organizational leaders to reach new heights of success in their personal and professional growth, and to improve performance across your organization.

For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.

When Leadership Abdicates the Throne

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When Leadership Abdicates the Throne

Most know the romantic short version of the story of King Edward VIII and American socialite divorcée Wallis “Wally” Simpson. The young king gave up the throne so that he could marry and spend the rest of his life with his love.

The longer version of this story is seldom discussed, and it’s not quite as romantic. In fact, the situation was fraught with tangled and tawdry conflicts up from the time they met until the end of the couple’s lives.

The history books recount Edward publicly showering Wally with jewels and lavish vacations, and upon becoming king, continuing to consort with the still-married Wally, creating scandal and confusion touching not only his own family, but also the government and the United Kingdom. Even after abdicating the throne, Edward and Wally continued to flirt and fraternize with risky and dangerous relationships and situations, including heavy indicators that they supported Adolf Hitler and his efforts.

What does this wild situation have to do with leadership in the workplace?

Whether Edward should have left the throne for the woman he loved is not in judgment. Rather, it is the way he went about things – poor focus, direction, and execution. This resulted in a loss of trust and support by his inner circle and his country, and a challenging life after leaving the throne.

It’s when you’ve lost the trust and support of your people that it’s “game over.”

What does leadership abdication look like in the workplace?

It may be more subtle than stepping down from a royal throne, but it’s just as damaging.

Here are some styles of those at the top who may or may not be physically present, but who abdicate their responsibility as leaders.

Through poor behaviors and approaches, these hurt the morale, and productivity of those around them. Teams silo. Key talent leaves. Confusion reigns. The bottom line suffers. Do you or anyone you know have a boss like one of these? Or, as a leader, do you identify with any of these traits in your own leadership or in that of your team?

  • Jan, the Benevolent Dictator.

The Benevolent Dictator is the proverbial maternal/paternal figure, who keeps a tight rein on everyone. As a report, you aren’t always sure what you are supposed to do until you get directives from Jan – what to do, how to do them – and then Jan will check with you frequently to make sure you are doing what she told you to do. Sometimes she will even change her mind about what she tells you to do so that you have to change direction in the middle of a process. In short, the micro-manager extraordinaire, Jan may have you in her office several times weekly to tell you when to turn right or left. Is it any surprise that Jan doesn’t have her team operate from an action plan that empowers them and allows them to move forward on their own? In addition, chances are, your job description is “in the pile to update,” and so is your raise. Good luck with that.

  • Sam, the Disappearing Act.

Sam likes for you to take over while he disappears. In the beginning, it was pretty exciting to have so much leeway with what and how you run your area of responsibility. But then, you began to catch on – Sam reappears at the oddest times, parachuting into the middle of your projects and decisions. He questions what and why you are doing what you are doing. He changes things. It’s pretty frustrating, and you can lose credibility with others when he does this. Feel like a yo-yo?  You are. You’ve probably been promised a promotion for some time, and it’s overdue. If you could just get some time with Sam to discuss – but then, everyone else is lining up with questions, too. Because there are some critical, time-sensitive decisions that have been waiting for his endorsement – and he hasn’t been around to answer them until right now. Catch him quickly! Because, when you least expect it, Sam will be out the door, again.

  • Julia, the Decision-Adverse Boss.

Julia is famous for bringing enough of her homemade strawberry pie into the office for everyone to have a slice. She knows the names of all your kids and pets. She plans the best staff retreats. But it never seems like the right time to get a decision on critical items from Julia. “Let me mull this over,” and “That’s a great idea – let’s put it on our list,” are two of her favorite responses to your queries. Face it – you just can’t move forward with some of your initiatives without her help. You get the feeling that she cares about some things – just not about getting the work done. So forget your goals. Have another slice of pie. P.S. You’d better hope that when evaluation time comes around, she doesn’t blame you for poor performance.

  • Jim, the Easter Bunny.

Jim loves everyone, and everyone (seems?) to love him. He thrives on being liked, and it’s because of this that he refuses to do the right thing. Jim doesn’t want anyone to think he is playing favorites. Consequently, he hands projects and opportunities out like candy, and when one person gets a raise, everyone gets one. You can imagine with this kind of distribution that the remuneration is modest. You’ll hear things like, “Well, let’s see, you say you are doing twice the work that old Bernie is, and that you have twice as many reports, and twice as much revenue to generate as he does. But, you know, Bernie has been with us for 25 years, now. We wouldn’t want him to get the wrong impression, would we? So let’s just hold that promotion idea until we can come up with something for him, too. Maybe we can take it up with the team tomorrow.”  Just a word, here, but you’ve probably already guessed it:  Tomorrow never comes.

  • Mark, the Candy Man.

Who’s a good girl or boy? I’ll tell you who – it’s whoever is favored at the moment. Feel like you are favored? Try as you might, you won’t find out why you are loved at the moment, so you just hope you keep doing whatever it is keeps you on the boss’ good side. On the other hand, do you feel like the boss is spanking you for something and you don’t know why? Chances are you won’t find that out, either. You may not have done anything wrong, but the boss will deny any unfair treatment when you ask about it. Meanwhile, you feel like you are continually shut down – your ideas, the way you do things. Tired of playing with crazy? Time to think about alternatives.

There are so many ways of abdicating one’s responsibility in leadership. But no matter what style or behavior it is that holds someone back from leading, it always winds up damaging self, others, and the enterprise.

What poor style of leadership have you witnessed or heard about in the past?

Curious about your strengths in leadership?
Click below to take the Impact Assessment.

TAKE THE IMPACT ASSESSMENT

Patti Cotton is a CEO and former foreign diplomat. A sixth generation business owner, Patti not only coaches leaders – she has extensive experience in actually being one. Her experience, record of unprecedented success, and extensive training and certifications make her uniquely qualified to bring value to you and your team in the areas of leading self, leading others, and leading the enterprise.

Patti’s areas of focus include leadership and talent development, with specialization in leadership behavior and communication, conflict management, executive presence, succession planning, and strategic personal, leadership, and organizational growth.

With over 25 years of proven leadership experience, Patti works with individuals, teams, and organizations across diverse industries. As an executive coach, trainer, and Fortune 500 speaker, she will inspire, influence, and impact your organizational leaders to reach new heights of success in their personal and professional growth, and to improve performance across your organization.

For more information on how Patti Cotton can help you and your organization, click here.